i don't mind silence, but...

People have needs! And I'm not caring for myself properly.

My so hasn't texted back in two, three days. Im not worked up about it at all, noooo. But it has opened up my eyes about myself.

I get lonely. I don't have to relate it fo her and i find that to be the wrong way to do things, anyway. Instead, i just appreciate our apartness and what it might mean. But i have no idea, so enough of datall.

I feel depressed, ill be honest. Im actually wishing freak accidents on myself but it's only technical, impossible things right now. Plus its more for the feeling than anything, to imagine my head being captured miraculously by my bedroom walls. Look out yall, he be makin miracles, cept he aint jeezus. No. Im sick. Water intake is a big part, but my head always changes when I'm sick. My experience says not all sicknesses have physical symptoms. Anx most affect the brain, anyway. That's why i feel "high" when i have certain colds. Kinda nice. But that's just what my experience says. Scruck him. Her. It.

So here's what happened.
I p. I p hard. Like not in the toilet. Not even on the toilet; in my bed, a blanket strewn flat on the floor. Gross, right? Nah. It's chillin. It would be so either way, but tonight i say that because while i may have p'd, i did not mo. I was looking thru all my old p, stuff i used to look up. I wanted to feel good, but it just wasn't happening. The stuff that was designed to get me to act a certain didnt have the same kick like it used to. In fact, maybe it was just what i decided to see, but honestly it was all bullshit. Porn, yes, porn, lol, porn is such fucking bullshit. I swear to g. So I'm sitting there after watching a few videos and im looking up my favorite cartoon gal when suddenly i get the novel idea to look up one of my favorite tv show characters. Why not, right? This is a real person, but i only know the character and the show so i type in her name and show and there she is. Instantly flacid. Tears that i feel so pathetic and pointless. She's beautiful. Like.... Like a friend. Yeah, that sounds weird, but it's okay. There are other things that i feel this way about, and they all have the same effect: instantly flacid, no sexual desire, calmness and an energy to move forward. I now have poster plans.... Anyway, i didn't mo. Partly because it was late, and yeah, it's no big deal. But that was tbe first time I'd watched or looked up porn in two years. I dont know if that helped or made it more difficult, but it's amazing to think about, that i had suddenly out of the blue decided to watch p.

But it wasn't out of the blue. I was... Blank. Not like a cd, but close. I was hopeless. More like an empty concrete room. I hate it. Video games lead to this. So does sitting around. Dehydration. The malicious forms of sickness. My life is poison right now and my brain screams go! Run! Get away! Or end it and MAKE IT STOP! And the tears well up behind the fleshy barriers. At that last one. And finally it feels good. At least i am able to cry. Barely....

I guess the net chapter in my life will involve ms thinking about the stuff i came up with while writing this, finding ways to cry, asking for advice and discussing my stuff with people who get paid to care and subsequently begin to depending on the type.

Yee i hope that wasnt too stream for you.

So here's what I've learned. Love literally turns me off. Sexually. Like literally. If i think about love, then it just... Doesn't... Happen.. of course, unless i associate the two, and if i do, what do you know? I get more control. Weird. Hard to do alone.

I call them mascots. These are things i love. If part of love is understanding and wanting what is literally best for someone, then people out there know how to evoke whatever emotion that is from me, the one that is love but not like people are used to. I understand these things i see because i feel they are a part of me, like deel down. That is love, i think. A part of it.

So here are my mascots.
George from Z Nation
The earth goddess from Moana
Daniel Tiger
A lady i know, that i think i can say i love
Thoughts of times when i was happy

Those are my mascots. My SO isn't on there because I've been screwing with my head lately, and it takes time to "learn" someone. For me, 6 months, ish.
Anyway, this has been a weird night and my anxiety is really acting up so goodnight. Ow anxiety hurts...

 

I guess maybe an anecdote?

I was really sleepy when I wrote it. I like it too c:

 

Sometimes I forget myself, but like somewhat literally. It scares me.

 

That's probably true

 

Going on 6! Woohoo

 

as a man, soemtimes, you gotta learn to pvercome needs and not let the overcome you

 

She did text back last week.
I thought that was nice of her c: