I don't see anything but suicide in my future.

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by CreatingMyselfAnew, Jul 6, 2017.

  1. CreatingMyselfAnew

    CreatingMyselfAnew New Fapstronaut

    I have no friends, I got my first job at 27 because no one wants to hire a homeless guy, and I'm about attractive as a crap stain on the wall. I don't see how its ever going to get better. Being homeless for 7 years fucked my life up. Going to community college seems like a waste of time. No one wants to be near or talk to the ugly guy. When you are constantly ostracized your whole life because you look like used diaper that has baked in the sun for several weeks, you know looks are practically everything. The dipshit that can't read above a second-grade level is loved by everyone because he is good looking. The moron can't do basic math has multiple girlfriends and a backups when he is no longer interested in them. They have a cellphones filled with numbers of friends and a list of women interested in them. Meanwhile, the guy that can actually write and understand shit beyond what is written is ignored and openly despised because he is the big, ugly, stupid ogre.

    I stare down a razor blade every morning, and I keep opening and closing a switch blade when I type. I think it would be for the best if I die. I wouldn't be missed anyways. I don't know how long this will last. My Pell grant is shaky. I had to lie to get it. I had to tell the people I was black. Telling them I was white made them deny me several times. I had to resort to lying to get out of that hell. I don't think I'll last much longer. NoFap seems to make it worse. At least with porn all the hell was held back.
  2. Prodigal Warrior

    Prodigal Warrior Fapstronaut

    You are worth a lot, you may not see it, but YOU ARE worth millions, do not let others weigh you down. You are not worthless by any stretch of the imagination, you make your own destiny, what is it you WANT in life? Do you have something you want to do? Something you want to become? Looks may determine how some people view you, BUT THEY DON'T DEFINE WHO YOU ARE!!! YOU DEFINE YOURSELF!!! NO ONE ELSE!!! YOU MAKE YOURSELF WHO YOU ARE!!! YOU ARE WHO YOU WANT TO BE!!!
    xeon1993, j__todd, jest and 1 other person like this.
  3. walid105

    walid105 Fapstronaut

    i think you must not give up on life , join community college , try to start a new life and stop overthinking about what people may think of you and start doing things for yourself not to impress anyone. try to improve yourself your education. take classes , go to the gym and trust me you will find the people who care for you and really deserve you , you're beautiful in your own way
    noonoon and Prodigal Warrior like this.
  4. Prodigal Warrior

    Prodigal Warrior Fapstronaut

    Our darkest times are what make us stronger, the greatest of men have gone through hell and back to become who they were.
    j__todd, jest, noonoon and 1 other person like this.
  5. BeautyForAshes

    BeautyForAshes Fapstronaut

    If this is real, please reconsider your choices and reevaluate yourself. You are placing the power over your own happiness in other people's hands. It's all about your perspective.

    There's this ideology called the "Law of Attraction" I once heard about. You attract what you feel. Since you feel so low and insecure, others in "your world" will act according to the energy you give off and inturn conform to your worldview.

    I can suggest working out. Change your diet. Change the way you dress. Develope some swag. Get a nice haircut. Smell good. Hug a woman and leave your scent on her.....ect. Reinvent and invest in yourself. It's not too late, I promise you. I don't care how monstrous a face you claim you have, a nice twelve pack can guarantee that you'll have somebody (if that's what you really want).
  6. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

    I am older and very depressed about losing my job at the beginning of the year. I have struggled with depression from childhood and suicidal thoughts have been a part of my life since before I was 10 years old.
    I'm afraid that I will lose my resolve to keep living with my depression and give up hope. I wouldn't be the first.
    Last week I learned that a friend of a friend committed suicide. The news energized me to recall the amount of strength required to keep myself from doing the same.
    Your strength and resilience are obvious and heroic to a great many people...don't feel badly about yourself.
    Taking the steps to reverse your self-destructive beliefs is something that will communicate to yourself how much you love yourself and life.
    Recently, at my darkest moment I had to reach deep into my hurt self to find the words to overcome my grief.
    I began to repeat to myself that, " I love myself, and I love my life." , over and over I repeated this. Although I couldn't 100% believe it, I knew it was the truth. I wish things were different, but despite being depressed and profoundly alone...if I could, I would give myself a better life because I did, and do love myself and my life.
    Love yourself and your life not because of your circumstances, but because you do. Even if you don't think so.
    I love you bro. I will recall you and your story for the rest of my life and fight for my life as though I was fighting for yours.
    Think about how much your resilience is a inspiration and how valuable it is for yourself and others.
    Stay strong!
  7. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

    In the end, everything will be okay. If it's not okay, it's not the end. Keep trying to make it better for yourself and others. @CreatingMyselfAnew
  8. noonoon

    noonoon Fapstronaut

    When I desire recognition, or respect, or love from others, i have a prayer that reminds me that I am called to something GREATER. The prayer is a reflection of Christ's life. In it we are reminded of His humiliation and condemnation, His sacrifices, His fear and loneliness. In it we can see hear His words and deeds, and see the path we are to follow.

    The prayer is called "The Litany of Humility". I'd like to share it with you and invite you to pray it with me. I will pray it now for both of us. (replacing "me" with "us"). I attached a link as well to a musical version which you might enjoy listening to as you pray.

    O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
    From the desire of being esteemed,
    Deliver me, Jesus.

    From the desire of being loved...
    From the desire of being extolled ...
    From the desire of being honored ...
    From the desire of being praised ...
    From the desire of being preferred to others...
    From the desire of being consulted ...
    From the desire of being approved ...
    From the fear of being humiliated ...
    From the fear of being despised...
    From the fear of suffering rebukes ...
    From the fear of being calumniated ...
    From the fear of being forgotten ...
    From the fear of being ridiculed ...
    From the fear of being wronged ...
    From the fear of being suspected ...

    That others may be loved more than I,
    Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

    That others may be esteemed more than I ...
    That, in the opinion of the world,
    others may increase and I may decrease ...
    That others may be chosen and I set aside ...
    That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...
    That others may be preferred to me in everything...
    That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…

    Here it is in music form as well:

    God Bless!!
    Buddhabro likes this.
  9. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

    I <3 it!
    God bless you @noonoon
    noonoon likes this.
  10. jest

    jest Fapstronaut

    OP, looks aren't everything but if you don't like the way you look you can change that.

    Don't overwhelm yourself with physical changes, the changes start inside your head first and foremost. If you think you're unattractive other people will think the same. It's all about the vibes you give off, if you act like you're a celebrity for long enough people will start treating you like one. It's not easy and takes work, are you ready to put in the work?

    You'd probably say no, but there's nothing to lose and everything to gain, start acting "as if", act as if you're the best looking and the richest, most intelligent guy until you get to that point, because if you can believe it you can be it.
    PicklesMcgillan likes this.
  11. people dont define you. you define yourself. you are not defined by your failures. god doesn't create junk, he will create a way for you to prosper. you are beautiful, you are fantastic.

    you are loved.

    please stay.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 7, 2017
    Prodigal Warrior likes this.
  12. robertgianni1976

    robertgianni1976 Fapstronaut

    @CreatingMyselfAnew What can I say after reading about your immense suffering?

    I have dealt with suicidal thoughts on and off, since I was a teenager. I have to admit that what kept me from committing suicide was not any kind of positive thinking or the pain my parents would have felt, but fear. You know that not all the people who try to commit suicide die, because there is no 100% sure way to commit suicide. So you may end up in a much worse state than before. There are people whose parachute didn't open and who survived. Don't do something that, instead of killing you straight away, may damage your organs, cause you to paralyze, or mess with some important brain functions. Also, even if something may kill you, you could agonize for hours before you die. If you don't believe me ask doctors and search the Internet.

    There are children who suffer like martyrs, for years and years, from the most horrible diseases. That's the only reason I can't believe in God. I used to believe; now I want to believe, but I can't. But I believe in moral principles, and what makes us people so alike is that, no matter how different our beliefs are, we all have to respect very similar moral principles in order to live in society, and, even more important, to leave a better world for the younger generation.

    I used to hurt people. Also, I admit that I am a lazy person and I do very little for society and the younger generation. But I hope that at least I will not do any more harm.

    I'm 41 but I will never forget how lonely I was as a teenager - a form of psychological torture. I was lazy and I had a limited thinking, I couldn't make friends (or I didn't want to) and I had no girlfriend at a time when the hormones were raging. What is your ugliness for you was my extreme shyness for me. Also, I was effeminate in behavior and a little in appearance (I still am to a certain extent) and small-minded people sometimes tended to treat me with disrespect.

    The people who replied to your post came up with great ideas. You are not alone. Also, you should be aware that there are other ugly people like you who want to improve themselves. If you can meet them, you can become friends, because you share the same problem. And the more you improve yourself and get educated, the more you will discover that there is no 'ugly' or 'beautiful' - these are just concepts.

    Attraction, especially when we are talking about men, is not about physical features. For thousands of years, to be a man has meant to be courageous, loyal to people and moral principles, to have honor, to be skillful and quick, to be kind to women, children and old people, to explore new territories, to improve yourself every day and to have no addictions. The definition is the same today and will be the same for ever. Believe me, I have failed at all the aspects of this definition so far. But I'm trying to fix things as much as I can.

    Don't envy other men for laying more girls than you. Envy them for being kinder, more courageous, more loyal, better at playing the guitar or at sports. Someone may have hundreds of women, so what? Laying girls is not a value, on the contrary, it may be a sign of shallowness. Improve yourself bit by bit and be happy about it, no matter how small this evolution is.

    If you imagine yourself as an onion, the layers closest to the center are the most important: loyalty, moral principles, courage, (hard) work. Then you get further and further away - family, friends, social skills, intellectual and physical skills, health, physical appearance, clothes, cars, etc. Where should we place laying girls? I personally wouldn't place it anywhere in this construct. Having a girlfriend - definitely yes - on the family layer or immediately after.
    PicklesMcgillan likes this.
  13. PicklesMcgillan

    PicklesMcgillan New Fapstronaut

    My friend, I feel for you very much. I've thought a little about this, and there are two conclusions below if you have the time to read them. First, you can absolutely find connection with a little effort. Second, you have something beautiful people don't.

    Many have pointed out that with positivity and swagger, your appearance will not be the obstacle to connection that you think it will. One smiles when happy - but because both "happy" and "smile" are attached to the same brain pattern, you will also tend to feel happy if you smile falsely for a few minutes. I think this is what socializing should be like for your and I, save for those few charmed and short lived times in life when your confidence is so abundant that the comportment which is most natural is also the one which will attract people. All the rest of the time, it is an effective strategy to lie about the notion that you are happy, in order to become happy. Fake it till you make it. Remember that people come back for more from people who make them feel good, echoing what "BeautyForAshes" said about attraction.

    I recently asked my lesbian friend, who is wildly successful in a somewhat predatorial serial monogamy, how she attracts this string of beautiful people. Admittedly, she is a lot prettier than me and probably you as well, "CreatingMyselfAnew" you ugly sack of shit you. She said: 1) as best you can, present the affect of actually believing you are the most attractive person in the world, while 2) still being thoughtful, caring, and interested in them. I think there is a lot of truth to this, and the only way I reliably succeed with new friends and women (of the superficial, Tinder variety, which is enough comfort for me) is when I radically simplify the mess of an individual I am, presenting them an easygoing person. I take issue with one of the more common female persuasions "you choose the restaurant... and everything else... I want to be whisked through an evening the details of which you are responsible for," but nevertheless cater to it. Appearing absolutely certain about actions large and small is another sure way to keep folks around.

    So it is certainly true that how you carry yourself decides your connections more than your appearance, even for the very hideous, "CreatingMyselfAnew" you cretinous, Hunchback of Notre-Dam monster you. I'd like to make another point which may be more challenging, and if you don't think this philosophy will help you, hey throw it away I'm a guy on the internet why should I be right about anything.

    We are all gripped by the nagging feeling that physique should not be anywhere near as important to us as it is. We have an existential aversion to things only skin deep, even while gripped by older and overwhelming impulses towards certain surface traits. I dunno about everyone else, but my god if I don't love a nice rack, and my god if I don't resent the severity of this attraction. I study physics for christ sake, I've dedicated my life to the mysteries of the universe, when I hear a symphony the complexity and wonder of humanity makes me cry, and still - oh hey, two nice bumps on that one, let's divert all cognitive resources to them immediately!

    I think it is very noble indeed to aspire to be beholden only to higher constructs, ie the monk. An interviewer say who can ignore physical influences in a real way in choosing a candidate is evidently decent. But here's the trick - the beautiful person who is enlightened in ignoring beauty, is a hypocrite. If an NBA player told you very intently that his career was all about mindset, you would, of course, not believe him.

    Perhaps then you have an opportunity. If you can build the strength to just really slap your genes in the face, and walk through life proudly and indifferently, and treat the people around you with this same attitude, insisting on dealing only with their souls and not their labels and and stations and bodies - they will notice, and you will have become wise, which is the rarest thing of all. With it you can walk through life like a kindly grandfather, nurturing other people's egos and showing them wonderful things. Everyone loves Tyrion.

    Finally my favorite suicide preventative:
    Buddhabro likes this.
  14. Prodigal Warrior

    Prodigal Warrior Fapstronaut

  15. lostandfound

    lostandfound Fapstronaut

    you are at the bottom. imagine being able to look back in the future at yourself now from the top. Having multiple attempts on my life, I look back and would love to smack some sense into myself. Everyday I live is fucking amazing because those pills didnt kill me. If I screw up so what, what difference does it make, I should be dead. Everyday is a fucking blessing I can do whatever I want and enjoy every experience good and bad because I should be dead right now. This is no ones life but my own Im going to do whatever I want. If im ugly then fuck it is what it is
  16. Genji

    Genji Guest

    haha, I though about dying this year a lot too. Everyone seems to be doing so much better than me. I really feel like a broken machine in comparison to them...but you can't quit. You gotta get up. I cut myself a lot, I slap and box myself a lot, but it ain't my time yet to go. And neither is it yours.
  17. BuddhaPunkRobotMonk

    BuddhaPunkRobotMonk Community Manager
    Staff Member


    I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling. Rebooting has its ups and downs, just like life. We see many people experiencing both the ups and downs during the reboot, and though it may be hard to see now, these feelings you are having won’t last forever. It will get better with time, if you are patient and wait.

    In the meantime, please seek professional help. I know the idea of calling a helpline might terrify you, but in times of crisis, we often need someone their to put our lives in perspective. So please contact someone who can help and don’t hang up on them. The International Association for Suicide Preventionmaintains a list of suicide prevention hotlines for countries all over the world. Also, if you don’t feel up to actually talking to someone on the phone, unsuicide maintains a list of online Instant Messaging and chat suicide prevention resources.

    You are not alone in this. There are ways to treat depression. Please contact people that can help you. Being depressed often makes it feel like you don’t have any more options. But that is a lie. That is just the depression talking. These feeling you have won’t last forever. We are in this with you, and we will all be cheering for you to get through this!

    On a more personal note...I have struggled in life as well. I haven't had many jobs. I don't feel like I have many skills. But instead of letting all that get me down, I just accepted it: and decided to change it. And I have been successful, though I still have far to go. If I can do this, so can you. Don't let life get you down. Don't end your life because of some temporary feelings. I've had times when I felt suicidal before. But I always knew that those feelings were illusions, and that life in all its glory still awaited me. It awaits you too!
    AM141 and Prodigal Warrior like this.

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