I dont think I can do this anymore

I’m so sorry. It’s the most unfair thing. We are faithful - we get punished. We try and make good choices for our family - then someone else’s choice uproot our dreams, our life, our heart. It’s so freaking unfair.

Unsafe therapists/counselors can be so damaging. The first one my husband went to flat out told him it was no big deal and stuff like this happens. He didn’t even listen to the addiction part, of daily PMO, sometimes in public places (while hiding it). That’s not normal! That’s a freeking addiction! Thankfully my husband told me what that therapist said and we ended up finding a wonderful, safe, addiction therapist who is helping him a ton.

There’s so much chaos currently flying at us. An unsafe therapist should not be adding to it.

 

Heeeey, you were so kind and answered my questions. So I want to right you an answer.

The shock that he would have if you leave him will be insane from him.

I learned a new sentence on reddit: "Woman suffer in relationship, man afterwards."

If he does not want to change himself he won't change himself.

I can not give you an advice to stay with him or not, cause you are going to live with the consequences.

Maybe tomorrow my mind will bring up more thougts.

For me if I watch porn for arousal of another woman, it is for me cheating.

 

Can you find a csat? To be honest, any time is ok to leave your sex addicted husband who betrayed you and lied. However, when is it time for you personally , is a far different question that only you can answer. I’ve been married 28 years. Didn’t find out about his porn use until we had been married 5 years. Of course marriage counseling at the time didn’t even address porn use as an addiction. So basically we wasted 3 years of counseling. I think you will know when you are done. We all have our breaking point. I stayed because I couldn’t bear to lose 50 % custody of my kids. Finally, come June, I can leave. My husband knows I’m done. The past 2 years he has literally become a different person in every way possible, ways I didn’t even think were possible for him.,Not instantaneous, but huge changes none the less. Still don’t know if I want to stay. Living with an addict is hard. Relapse is always just a click away.

 

Lol, I didn’t necessarily mean “ you” find him a csat. I meant you telling him he needs to see a csat or you guys live in separate bedrooms, or some other boundary that you’re comfortable with. I do nothing for my husband. I have never lived or been around addicts so I didn’t understand anything! Once I read it was an addiction, I did show my husband and I found a csat for me who then recommended my husband get into groups and see his own csat. I agree that he needs to do the work. He needs to find a csat, not a counselor that agrees with him, lol.

 

If he isn’t willing to do the work and find help, I think that shows you where his heart is really at. Doesn’t leave you much choice at that point.

 

Lol! I in no way thought you were rude. I’m a huge proponent of women taking care of themselves and letting their men sink or swim. Too many women do all the work in trying to get their husbands into recovery. Besides, I’ve got a thick skin....

 

A relationship is made of two people. Blaming all your relationship issues on your husband sounds lazy and unrealistic to me. If you're so sensitive to energy, why did you marry such an apparent deadbeat in the first place? And why have you decided that his addiction to porn is the deciding factor in your relationship, like he has nothing else to offer as a human being? Besides which, by the sound of it, you make him feel like a piece of shit for 4 hours each day, but that's okay, because he's dealing with a serious psycho-emotional problem. Does that seem appropriate to you? Or is it just an excuse to indulge your own apparent lack of empathy? What even makes you think you're the one doing him a favour by staying? You're even blaming him for your own failing health, which is your own responsibility. Enjoy blaming him while you can, because if the same pattern emerges in your next relationship, you might have to start looking elsewhere.

If the above sounds harsh, consider it a taste of your own medicine.

 

Have you ever been married? Just curious

 

Sorry I don’t have much to say about this as I’m not married, but reading these threads make me more determined than ever to keep myself under control and grow before I get married as I do not want to put my future wife through this, even though I haven’t met her yet.
I really hope your husband comes to his senses and gets the help he needs.

 

Porn is evil. I don’t care what anyone says, it’s evil. Iv seen porn turn really good men into degenerate creeps. Porn is a curse on this world. A wife’s body is meant for her husband and her husband only, the only body a husband should look at and get turned on by is his wife’s. it’s a special thing, it’s love, it’s natural, it’s the way it’s supposed to be. A HUSBAND is not supposed to be sitting at a computer jerking off to women on a pixelated screen. You have any idea how messed up that is? As a husband as a man as the man of his household he needs to claim responsibility for his actions and he needs to put his family first. I’m not saying he can just click his fingers and be free from his addiction, but he can at least go and see a specialised addiction therapist.

 

That is what being a man is all about.

 

Girl, yes. My long hair literally started falling out/thinning. Stress can do so much damage to your body.

 

I agree with you both and it’s terrifying to hear stories like yours. Counsellors/ therapists that act like this just provide further justification for an addict to act out e.g. “If my therapist thinks it’s normal then it must be...” etc. It’s insanely damaging and just strengthens the addictive processes.

My own therapist is far from perfect but he is extremely knowledgable and has more experience in this field than anyone in the UK. My wife and I wouldn’t be together now if it wasn’t for him and I’m strong in my recovery. I also recognise that I have done irreparable damage to my wife and I am well aware our relationship might not survive this (although I wish this wasn’t the case). When I reflected on these concerns in my session my therapist invalidated me and told me that he doesn’t think my wife will leave because “75% of partners stay”.

How does that help me? Is he telling me I’m silly to be concerned and that I can be secure in the knowledge that she won’t leave? Is he telling me that I shouldn’t listen to my wife and that she’s overreacting? Where did these arbitrary figures even come from, and why couldn’t my wife be in that 25%?

I suppose the point I’m trying to make is that counsellors/ therapist are there to help you figure out your own thought processes, not to think on your behalf.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this @DefendMyHeart. Your husband is choosing to listen to his therapist instead of you because his therapist is saying what he wants to hear. I wouldn’t even consider him to be in true recovery.