I dont think I can do this anymore

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by DefendMyHeart, Oct 25, 2020.

  1. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

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    Absolutely. I think that lesson has been learned because he didn't ask how this therapist sees porn addiction (he originally went for other issues) prior to discussing it with him. Knowing before proceeding will be most helpful indeed
     
  2. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

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    I agree with this so much! I really think his therapist is addicted to P as well because of how he defends it. I think he saw my husbands relapse as a way to take over his therapy completely to try and show me that my husbands other problems could be solved while he still watched P. This therapist and I have been at odds with each other for a long time. I have an extensive background in psychology, counseling, neuroscience, and anthropology. I'm currently working on a dissertation in my doctoral program, which I will be graduating from (hopefully) in 2022. I've done my husbands therapy for this entire time, but we agreed for him to see a therapist to take some of the load off of me. This dude goes out of his way to try and prove me wrong. I hope my husband follows through and finds another therapist
     
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  3. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut

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    You wrote that your husband got angry while reading. And then he reflected. Ok that is good. Here is a story:

    I helped a friend with porn addiction, a lot. He did not knew I was addicted too, I don't tell him cause he can't keep his mouth shut.
    I helped him really a lot, visited everyday and walked with him, to build down the testosterone, helped him with supplements to lower the libido by raising the serotonin. Helping with food so that he has less cholesterin and and a lower libido and with his psyche (the truth is, I was not loving myself and ran away from myself and gave myself worth by helping others, until a therapist and the break up with my girlfriend opened my eyes and I started to get my own life together and achived many things since then.)

    He only made it up to 6 days, Without porn after 45 days he relapsed. Cause I made it impossible for him to watch porn. All devices perfectly restricted no youtube no instagram.

    He never really quit mastrubation to reboot. But then one thing happened in his life and he started on his own, research, reading books, watching youtube videos on nofap, started sport.

    Without inner motivion, only with external motivation, your husband won't change. It must be his own wish. That's what I wanted to say.

    Let him have his own nofap account. Not through you.
     
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  4. MikeSilva

    MikeSilva Fapstronaut

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    Really interesting thread. Yesterday I relapsed after a 480 days streak of no porn and no masturbation. I called my girlfriend directly afterwards because it concerns her too. Now she is helping me to get back on track again !

    The reason I fell back is because of my own arrogance. I thought after 450+ days I was able to handle some instagram pictures of girls but after a few minutes I was masturbating to porn again after 450+ days..... the so-called slippery slope.

    Men are sexually visual. It is in the nature of men, whereas women are more focused on emotions during sex. We have to realize this, this is the large reason that more men are drawn to porn than women.

    I completely agree with you, porn is the devil en it is evil. I also think it is a way of cheating because you are sexually releasing energy because of other women.

    So I am standing on the other way of the fence here but I completely agree with you. I am sorry to hear about your health issues :( I hope you recover quickly and well. I wish you all the best
     
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  5. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

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    I completely understand. When my husband gave up P to begin with, it was for me not for him. He didn't watch P for 2 years, but he did other things to get his 'high' during that time. It wasn't until he relapsed earlier this year that he decided to make the change for himself. He still would fall back here and there, and we had to address the issues as to why he kept falling back, and that was what he didn't like. Then he would rebel because he felt as though I was taking control of him. That was his mindset. I did not take control, rather, just tried to help him figure himself out. But he grew up with a very strict parent and so his mind would automatically associate that level of strict with my help, even though I never restricted him. I even told him that what he wanted to do or not do was his choice, but should he choose P, it would be unfair to expect me to sit in that choice with him. I gave him the freedom to set his own boundaries. I never put software or anything on his devices, nor did I ever ask him to do so. After he relapsed, we found this site and reboot nation, and he has an account on both. He goes by 'fromsheeptowolf' if you ever want to look him up or offer him advice or anything. He has a few journals on here
     
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  6. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

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    450 days is a long time. I think it was Gabe Deem that said something along the lines of, you take 100 steps forward but one step back, you're still 99 steps ahead of where you were when you started.

    It is a slippery slope. My husband would go 2 or 3 days and feel like he was fine and try to go back to Facebook or something and get caught up in the novelty. Looking at my research over how DeltaFosB changes the brain wiring, it is almost with complete certainty that the recovering individual will have to let all those old ways go to avoid a relapse. Keep going forward. You can do it!
     
  7. MikeSilva

    MikeSilva Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much :) ;)
     
  8. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut

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    Ok thank you.
    I came also from a strict family so I know with what your husband is struggeling with. What I learned, is that I am in responsibility of my mindset. To my mother I always take her advice as a personal attack that I am bad. But it is not the case.

    If he wants to learn to change his mindset or learn to control it: Googel Growth Mindset by Carol Dweck, and also Growth Mindset by David Bayer, there are good youtube Videos.



    There are many other great people. Your husband can do it. You also can grow for you personal believe.
     
  9. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for this. This video is very informative. I've used very similar steps to try and help my husband rewire his brain. This video explains it differently than I do, so it will help my husband (his brain is wired to listen to men over women).

    That childhood way of thinking that sets the stage for how we react to later events can be a curse indeed. Have you explored attachment? You may look into insecure attachment as an adult to see if that can be helpful to you, since you see your moms advice in the way that you do and the fact that your parents were strict. My husband has attachment issues as well because of his parents. His father was authoritative and his mother was very passive.
     
  10. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut

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    Well I also need a lot of attachment, to give myself the acknowledgement that I am lovely. Or worthy to be loved and a guy guy. This means I don't have enough self love. The book: No more Mr. Nice Guy, helped me a lot. Your husband can also learn to love himself in a healthy way.

    https://www.amazon.com/-/de/dp/0762415339/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1603907374&sr=8-1
     
  11. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    my wife and I saw a theraist who was very nice - but she didn't see porn as an addiction issue - she saw it as a self control and told me to focus on rights versus wrong times. She also said similar things about having privacy and not needing to tell my wife every time.

    Well, my new therapist, who specializes in addiction, pretty much said she was encouraging my addiction unintentionally. I think she's right. Old therapist was nice, helpful, good to talk to. new one kicks my ass, which is what I needed.

    You can find good ones, but it's hard. Tell them you want to be kicked in the ass, challenged, forced into uncomfortable places. If they won't do it, then call someone else.
     
    DefendMyHeart likes this.
  12. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut

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    After 56 days, DeltaFosB starts to break down in its parts.After that urges should went less and less
     
  13. CrimsnBlade

    CrimsnBlade Fapstronaut

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    It sounds like things are starting to get on the right track. I applaud you for sticking with your husband. You and my wife would be in great company, I've been the same person your husband has been in the past. This thread breaks my heart because I can hear my wife saying these same things to me. Having my heart broken is good though, I need the reality check.

    Something that has really helped me (and might help your husband) is reading about the truth of what the porn industry is, as well as learning what it does to my brain and why I'm addicted. It sounds like he's already doing the second part. There's a lot of resources in my signature that have information about more of the dark side of the porn industry (some could be triggering, but I haven't seen any bad images or anything on them yet). The stories of abuse and sexual exploitation, human trafficking, and other shocking things that happen are terrible. Hearing those and then realizing oh my goodness, I've been supporting this industry for years, I've supported this treatment of other human beings, it's a pretty terrible feeling and really sticks me back in the reality of what I'm doing when I go back to that.

    I really pray for healing for both of you. I hope that you can both leave this behind and experience a marriage free from it and full of happiness.
     
  14. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

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    Do you have a study that shows that? I would love to read that, and it would also benefit my current research
     
  15. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

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    The P industry is very immoral. We are very aware of the behind the scenes truth. It is both sad and frustrating that it is pushed as being a normal. There's a huge difference between what is normal, and what has been normalized. P has been normalized.

    I have been trying to get in contact with a woman that works in my college that specializes in human trafficking because that was one of the aspects she works with; women who have been rescued from the P industry. That was something I told my husband as well. I asked him if he could tell the difference between the ones who were there willingly and the ones who were forced to be there. Since the answer was no, I asked him why he would want to take the chance that he was indulging in someone else's torture and pain. I follow Gary Wilson on Twitter and I have seen some of the posts about PH and their trafficking videos and rape videos. I've read the stories of women who were involved in that, and it is heartbreaking. Especially when PH takes such a long time to take the videos down.
     
  16. CrimsnBlade

    CrimsnBlade Fapstronaut

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    This article might interest you! Yes it's a horrible place, and you never know whether someone "wants" to be there or whether they don't.

    https://fightthenewdrug.org/can-tell-difference-metoo-stories-porn-plot-lines/

    They are really good about putting trigger warnings on this site, and usually they edit out all of the suggestive text from the stories. This article hit me pretty hard.
     
  17. Sis I will Suggest you one Indian Series which will help your husband to stay Motivated
    1)
    2)
    3)
    Watch this 3 videos
    Turn on Captions
    This will motivate alot
     
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  18. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut

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  19. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

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    I have all of those articles already, lol. When you said that, I hadn't seen it in the papers, but it doesn't mean it isnt there and I've overlooked it. I was looking more at the overexpression of DeltaFosB in the NAc, and how it works opposite to CREB. It also says that accumulation causes alterations in the dopaminergic system due to primed environmental cues and since when DeltaFobB builds up it becomes stable rather than unstable, as the Fos proteins are supposed to be, causing the formation of dendritic spines that persist long after P is removed. This is also why relapse is possible even after years of not watching it anymore, because of cue reactivity. I will look further into those papers to see the process of the breakdown though. Thank you for pointing that out
     
  20. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

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    Those videos are very informative, and put some humor into it as well, which can help alleviate the shame aspect of P and why some resist help. Thank you for sharing them
     
    RockyRocky likes this.

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