I don't understand

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Dead inside, Nov 1, 2018.

  1. Dead inside

    Dead inside Fapstronaut

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    I've lost all sense of self-worth or purpose in life. I started medicating my sexual abuse with porn when I was a pre-teen. It turned to just anal stuff by the time I was 16. Never progressed beyond that. I regularly did this at work and I've done it in public restrooms and while driving. I quit porn six months ago. I was in a four-year relationship and hid it the whole time. I'm having the hardest time ever. I was recently hospitalized for suicidal ideations because of this. I feel like I don't know who I am. My life is a joke. I don't understand. I can't look the person I love in the eyes knowing everything I've willingly gotten off to. I don't even understand it myself. The fantasies they put in porn make me sick. I don't want to know all these names. We broke up and got back together a month later and planned to get married. Then the images and flashbacks came back. I feel like I can't enjoy every day life. I'm in a group day program right now but it's for suicidal people not porn addiction so it doesn't help.
     
  2. Welcome to the community. Take a deep breath, you are not alone.
    Read, learn and start making your plan. There is a lot of experience here and people willing to help.
    This site and the people here have been a tremendous support and school for me along with the unwavering support of my wife.
    This is something you can beat. It is not easy but it can be done. You can be who you were meant to be, who you know is there deep inside.
    Don't be afraid to ask questions.
     
  3. Hey man, don't beat yourself up. It's one of the most difficult things for us addicts to wrap our minds around, but wailing on ourselves as lowlife pieces of shit just doesn't help anyone. You're not a bad person, you're not a failure, you're not an untouchable. You're just an addict. We live in a society where there are so many instant pleasures calling out to us and enticing us to escape, and our minds can be hijacked and tricked into doing all kinds of things we're not proud of. But listen, you've got a whole community of people here who've felt the same shit you're going through, and we're here to love and support you and help you pull yourself outta this. The future's bright, man. All that shit you've done, all those lies you've told, they'll get further and further away in the rear view mirror as you keep moving forward. Take it one day at a time, and get connected here, and you'll be off to a good start. Best wishes, man.
     
  4. Dead inside

    Dead inside Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. It's been really really hard. My girlfriend is such a beautiful person who truly loved me (still does). Her parents and my parents know about my addiction and they're all very supportive. I really wanted to marry her. But this sense of shame tells me I don't deserve it when she's around. I got off to shit that was straight up wrong dude. While I was dating her. I watched women who aren't even a fraction as beautiful as she is do disgusting shit on a regular basis. She's such an amazing and caring person and she said she's forgiven me but I just don't think I deserve her dude. I would feel like I'm getting away with something. I can't look her in the eyes knowing I got off to babysitter porn or "I wanna ******** your daughter" or whatever else I was watching. Really fucked my head up. I told her the truth and quit watching six months ago (relapsed once when she dumped me). Now I'm left with all the vivid memories I was suppressing all along and realizing the full extent of my deception. And the worst part is I'm beating myself up so bad that everyone is giving me PITY which just fucks me up even worse. The upside is that I'm realizing the full impact my abuse and neglect had on me and the course of my life for the first time and so is my family. But I've been alive for 23 years and they've all been fucked up behind the scenes for me so it's hard to rebuild, especially after losing everything I valued the most in life. Feeling real low, like an unloveable freak who doesn't deserve shit. I've really tried to find faith in God and Christ, but I know I'll never be the churchy type and I don't want to half-ass it just for my own benefit. I just want to be transparently me to everyone and not feel so much shame all day long
     
  5. I don't think being the churchy type is needed, but beliefs and holding yourself to a standard are. Do as you envision the real you would do. Learn and grow and become who she loves. You are in there, else you wouldn't be here trying.
    Make a plan, ask for help, work and do this.
    You can do this.
     
    salvacion_a_888 likes this.
  6. Mmmm, it sounds like you're kinda stuck in self, man. Which is fine, we addicts tend to think about ourselves a lot, it's what we do. But listen, you're gonna be miserable as long as you're just turning over your past over and over inside your head. My advice: think about someone else. Find someone you can help, whether on these forums our elsewhere. Do something sweet for your gf, call up an old friend, reach out and do a favor for one of your neighbors. We build self-esteem by doing esteem-able acts. It's as simple as that.
     
  7. Dead inside

    Dead inside Fapstronaut

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    Thanks man, but we aren't engaged anymore and aren't dating either, so it's making it really hard not to be thinking about myself right now. The whole reason we are apart is so that I can work on myself and my mental health. I think I might have lost her for good this time. The pressure of this coupled with the memory of what brought me here is a really huge daily burden that's impeding my ability to get out and live life. Just feeling stuck. It's nice to help people as much as I can in group, and I'll try to do that here too. But like most people on here I'm looking for good advice so I appreciate it.
     
  8. Sefz33

    Sefz33 Fapstronaut

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    We all got to fight this together. Don't give up on hope, faith and love. All the best.
     
  9. Moose.Exe

    Moose.Exe Fapstronaut

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    That sounds rough. But, you can become better. I believe you can. And if at first you don't succeed, try try again. You may believe yourself to be irredeemable. But, as long as you keep fighting, you will inevitably become better.

    The most important thing you can do is not give in to suicidal thoughts. Stay with us! Let us help were we can. Your not alone- You have all of us on NoFap. We are all brothers fighting to become better men.
     
    tiredofdoingthis likes this.

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