I don't wanna crib but I just wanna get this off my chest.

I started my Nofap journey back in June 2019. I was 17..I had escalated to extreme genres of porn which created self doubt about my preferences. I developed depression and OCD because of it and I was dating at that time. My behaviour was dominated by negative thoughts which made me act in a terribly insecure manner. I was killing my relationship unknowingly, but I was trying to defeat porn. Several small streaks but every relapse made me doubt myself even more. I was growing toxic when things didn't turn out to be the way I wanted them to. I was prescribed anti-depressants which sedated my mind from overthinking. My academics suffered because the pills made me sleepy and remember less. I tried to involve myself in many activities to keep myself busy but my girlfriend had complains. She said I wasn't giving her enough time. I knew I wasn't doing it on purpose, I just wanted myself to heal. I was finally getting back on track with my life! Actively taking part in committee and events. Attending college lectures. Trying to make new friends. Going to the gym. I did it all. I was in a 3 year relationship and the pills made me feel nothing. We broke up. India saw the rise of covid cases, a lockdown was announced. I was around 50 days into my streak at this point. A few days into lockdown I was holding up fine. But weeks went by. I was at my 97th day, when an urge came. Wasn't the first in my 97 days. I had the choice. I had developed resilience finally. But social isolation was killing me. The need for pleasure was overwhelming. I gave up.. Blew my 97 day streak that day. I had ended my streak on 6th of May 2020, which is just a few days from now. When I look back, those 97 days were the best days of my life. I enjoyed life. Covid has lasted more than a year now. The social isolation has made my addiction worse. I have to be on pills again but that too cannot stop me from relapsing anymore. My ex started dating someone else within 2 months of the breakup, I felt worthless when she said "He's the best for me". It hurts you know. I am dead from within. They took all pleasure from us but didn't compromise work. I was assignments everyday, I have to study everyday. I stay in the same fucking room for the entire day, see the same faces for months. When I go to sleep, I don't feel like waking up for the next day, because I know it's gonna be the same fucking way. I hate saying this, but I have really started to enjoy porn. It hurts me and kills me but I enjoy it now. I would have fucking ended all this way back. I keep trying but I don't believe in myself anymore. We're still in lockdown here.

 

Thank you so much for all your support guys. I will fight back