I don't want porn, but I want porn-like sex. Healthy?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by BSF, Dec 9, 2020.

  1. BSF

    BSF Fapstronaut

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    I've been married for about 2 years. And, have fallen back into a porn addiction since getting married. Part of the reason for that is that sex with my wife has not quite lived up to the expectations that porn filled my head with. It's not like we have boring sex. We try to be experimental. We mix up the positions and try lingerie to spice things up, but I find myself just desperately wishing for the kinds of things I see in porn. Things my wife isn't always comfortable with. One example is oral sex. While my wife isn't strictly opposed, she's not very comfortable with it. I have to really talk her into letting me go down on her, and she clearly doesn't like going down on me (plus it's only ever for a few seconds). Honestly, long hot and heavy bj's were something I thought were just a part of normal sex, since I've been watching porn since I was 12. Other things too, like the girls in porn are so flirty and sensual and they act like they always "want it." But my wife is a little more shy. It's not like she doesn't want sex, because she does, but I find that I'm almost always the initiator, and she likes to take it slow, and doesn't like to "show off" her body to me. And there are plenty of nights where she's just not in the mood, which is always a blow to my self esteem. More than anything, I find myself low key getting angry with my wife because she doesn't want to do certain things or act a certain way when we have sex.

    I don't know. I guess my question for this thread is, should I desire these things? Is it healthy for me to want the things I see in porn, or are they degrading and unrealistic? Or should I keep pushing my wife to try some of these things with me (in the context of a healthy marriage)? If she's not immediately comfortable with it, is the problem with her, or is the problem with me for focusing too much on these kinds of things? Anyone else find they have trouble with expectations for sex after porn addiction?
     
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  2. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    The way I see is you're asking two different questions

    First - is it healthy to want "porn sex".

    I absolutely fell into this trap. I still do. I want my wife to be more vocal, more aggressive, to bring up ideas, to have fantasies, etc. I've wanted to her "want" to do things like oral sex on me etc. However, when I fall into the trap of resentment and anger I remind myself I need to take a breath and also remind myself that porn-like sex isn't reality-based sex 97% of the time.

    I'm not going to say that some people out there have it some of the time - but the vast majority of people the vast majority of the time, it's simply not reality, or even on the table. Spitting, slapping, 40 minutes of intercourse, rough blowjobs, facials, gagging, squirting, choking, dirty talk, etc.... it's a fantasy for a reason. I've absolutely, and still sometimes, find myself fantasizing about some "porn sex" elements, and it's not something I see as healthy. No different than a little boy who thinks he's going to join paw patrol or a girl who wishes she was a princess she sees on TV.

    Your second question is if you should keep pushing your wife about these things

    To me the answer is both yes and no. Yes, you should absolutely have an ongoing dialogue about sexuality and happiness. You should have conversations about things you like and she likes and how you can both work to make each other sexually satisfied. You should talk about resentment and rejection and times she's in the mood vs you in the mood. However you should not "push" these ideas on her. If she ends up doing them out of guilt or in an attempt to keep you away from porn, it's just going to cause resentment on her side and make her less likely to want to initiate. Think of it like describing food to a toddler. There are always foods (things she's game for once the fun times start), sometimes food (things she need courage for, or maybe some warning, or are special occassion items), and No-No foods (things she has on her no list, don't try, gonna end in tears).


    Again - just my opinions from a fellow PA who's trying to make some pretty big life changes.
     
  3. ihatepornsomuch

    ihatepornsomuch Fapstronaut

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    Is your wife aware of your porn addiction/recently falling back into it?
     
    palindromo likes this.
  4. palindromo

    palindromo Fapstronaut

    Your vision about what sex should be is distorted.
    Porn is a show , planned and shot several times with cut scenes and fail...
    Change your mind about porn like sex
     
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  5. BSF

    BSF Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the in depth reply. You got right to the heart of what I was asking. It's really good to hear it from someone with similar experiences as me.
    I think you're right. I mean, there's lots of unrealistic expectations created by porn. The most obvious is body image. It's unfair to expect model-perfect bodies in women, and it's stupid to think you need to have a 10 inch penis to feel like you're sexually adequate. But, I never stopped to think about and address the potentially unrealistic expectations I had for what I actually "do." And, honestly, wasn't sure if they were unrealistic or not. Amidst all the lies that porn tells your brain, I wasn't sure if that was a lie or not (like, I was asking myself, "Is this just us? Do other couples do these things? Are other wives more like that?"). And I think you're right, the answer is no, 97% of the time. So, just hearing that is helpful.

    And I appreciate the angle you took on how to deal with it, with regards to my interactions with my wife. I've found myself getting really moody about it, and internally upset with her. I'll think things like, "I'm willing to do anything you'd like, I'm willing to go out of my comfort zone, or initiate things. Why won't you do the same for me?"
    But you're right, that kind of resentment is an absolute trap. And I don't know why I let myself think like that. There are some things that I'd like to encourage my wife to be open to. I wouldn't ever force her to, outright, and I definitely don't want to guilt her into anything. If I'm really moody after she refuses to do something sexual, even if i didn't push her to do it, that might make her think she's got to try it next time just to make me happy. And that's not good.
    Talking about it is probably key. Keeping the discussion on-going. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts, man!

    And to answer @ihatepornsomuch , I have not told her. I don't know if I can bring myself to, even though I've heard others on this board talk about how that can be a good thing for the relationship.
     
    Trobone likes this.
  6. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    For someone like me - who's been using porn for close to 25 years (since AOL chat rooms were a thing), it' easy to have unreal, altered, and downright scary internalized expectations that you may never have even noticed til you're forced to look. Not only for yourself (body and performance and "masculinity" shame) but also your partner.

    I was, and somtimes still am, how you describe. Angry and upset that my wife doesn't fufill something that I've never actually expressed wanting for and isn't a way that most women act naturally.

    The fact is I've destroyed my wife's trust and I'm working on rebuilding it. I feel, somewhat rightly and somewhat wrongly, that my wants sexually aren't really valid and I should be happy with whatever. However over time, those conversations are going to have to happen for long term intimacy and honesty and satisfaction.

    I also have to realize that my internalized expectations are my doing - no one forced them on me and no one should be punished for not living up to them. They're my issue and any resentment or anger I have is just going to make thing work. However honesty is the solution. And trust me, I'm not good at this, let alone great, but being able to say "honey, I want to talk about sex and frequency and how maybe we can be on the same page so we're both satisfied and happy long term".
     
    BSF likes this.
  7. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    You can desire them, you programed your brain to spect that when you have sex.

    Is not about been healthy or not. Is about having real spectations. I've had multiple sex partners and they were all different. Some of them were shy like your wife, some in the middle and a few of them were almost like porn stars. The reality is that the ones that behavied like pornstars where only 5 or 10% of the woman I had sex with. You are normally going to get shy or normal woman.

    For some woman is degraiding, for others is normal. Spect a woman to be like a pornstar is unrealistic, there are woman that are like that but are just so few.

    You can suggest them but if she is not into them, no matter how much you push, she is not going to do it. She can maybe do it one or two times to please you but is not going to be constant.

    Is your problem, she is not fullfilling your spectations and you are trying to change her to do the things you want. Or you accept the fact she is not into it and enjoy the sex life you have rigth now or you break it up and go and find a woman that behave like a pornstar in bed.

    When you first have sex with a woman and then consume porn, you know the reality beforhand so when you see porn you know that is not real. When you see porn first you will think that is that how woman behave in bed and spect that with real sex, unfortunately is nothing like that unless you meet one of those few girls that are like pornstars in bed.
     
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  8. Tarsus

    Tarsus Fapstronaut

    I think what needs to be addressed is the actual cause of your porn addiction. As an experienced porn addict, I have seen through myself and nearly everyone else that addiction is a coping mechanism used to escape. Are you actually escaping because of unmet sexual expectations, or is there something else? You identify as having an addiction to porn - why do you say that? What has made your life unmanageable about your porn use? I'm not arguing that you may not be an addict. What I'm saying is your focus may not be in the right direction, and if that's the case you will get nowhere with recovery.
    This is a serious red flag. I was right there with you, until my D-Day. Truth be told, if you are viewing porn and see no problem with it - there's no harm in sharing that information with your wife. However, if you believe you are an addict and are keeping this information from your wife, you will not recover and your addiction will only get worse. You are deceiving your wife and keeping secrets from her. For a marriage to work, there must be honesty between the two of you. A secret porn addiction is the opposite of honesty. You're basing your entire marriage on secrets and lies. Your wife is operating under the assumption that she knows who you are - is that the case if you are harboring such a dark and dangerous, relationship destroying secret?
    I think your questions have been answered more or less. I would add that what you truly seek is an intimate connection with your wife. This transcends sex and any lie you see in porn. It's all lies, and none of it can be trusted. When you've established true intimacy with her, you will put her first. Your needs will become 2nd to hers. You will create an environment where both of you are safe to explore each other. There will be no resentment, no unmet expectations, and no pushing of wills - because you will both be as one flesh. Open, honest, and communicating. That's the ideal I strive for with my wife after 14 years of marriage and nearly 30 years of addiction.

    You will never get there with porn in your life.
     
    Sootie, BSF, antiporn-charlie and 2 others like this.

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