I don't want to break my partner's heart

[earthshaper]

Is this the right way to protect her? I don't want to scar her for life, I don't want her to hate me forever. Is it the P usage, or I should be intimate more often?

I've been reading this forum for hours now and I am scared, please guide me through this. We are both 20 and we've been together for almost three years, we want to live our lives together. Please give me advice on what to do to become a better partner for her. She is the love of my life.

 

[MikeSilva]

Is this the right way to protect her? I don't want to scar her for life, I don't want her to hate me forever. Is it the P usage, or I should be intimate more often?

I've been reading this forum for hours now and I am scared, please guide me through this. We are both 20 and we've been together for almost three years, we want to live our lives together. Please give me advice on what to do to become a better partner for her. She is the love of my life.

Stop porn and masturbation

 

[CrushedandLeaving]

Go find a CSAT and begin a formal disclosure process. Telling her so that you have the possibility of an actual relationship and not just a lifelong lie is the only way forward. She is not choosing to be with you. She is being tricked into thinking she's with someone you've created in her head. That is not consensual.

Real talk: you already broke her heart. She just doesn't know it yet. Telling her does not break her heart. The infidelity broke her heart.

 

[earthshaper]

Go find a CSAT and begin a formal disclosure process. Telling her so that you have the possibility of an actual relationship and not just a lifelong lie is the only way forward. She is not choosing to be with you. She is being tricked into thinking she's with someone you've created in her head. That is not consensual.

Real talk: you already broke her heart. She just doesn't know it yet. Telling her does not break her heart. The infidelity broke her heart.

God I'm scared now. Is it really this bad?

 

[earthshaper]

Stop porn and masturbation

I will, most definetly. I've tried but after reading this forum I understood that I've started NoFap with the wrong approach. I thought that this was a sort of self improvement journey to become the man I wanted to be. But I'm starting to understand that this is just me recognizing I'm a bad person. That's just it. That I already failed her, and that this is just the minimum I could do.

 

[earthshaper]

This forum has sure changed the way I feel about all of it now.

 

[CrushedandLeaving]

God I'm scared now. Is it really this bad?

You cheated on her repeatedly for years with hundreds of women and lied about it...

 

[earthshaper]

That is true. Thanks for answering

 

[Real Jerry Seinfeld]

I will, most definetly. I've tried but after reading this forum I understood that I've started NoFap with the wrong approach. I thought that this was a sort of self improvement journey to become the man I wanted to be. But I'm starting to understand that this is just me recognizing I'm a bad person. That's just it. That I already failed her, and that this is just the minimum I could do.

I don't know your story mate and whether you've hidden porn use or not. All you can control now is how you act in future. You need to make amends for any wrong you've done but don't dwell on past shortcomings or identify with negative acts. Self-improvement can include being honest and accountable and you can start being that person today.

 

[earthshaper]

I don't know your story mate and whether you've hidden porn use or not. All you can control now is how you act in future. You need to make amends for any wrong you've done but don't dwell on past shortcomings or identify with negative acts. Self-improvement can include being honest and accountable and you can start being that person today.

Thanks for sharing your view, I've seen you spreading a lot of wisdom around here.

First of all I want to say that when I posted that reply you're quoting I was in the middle of a panic attack, the regret and commitment to being a better partner is still here, but with a little less anxiety now.
About my story, I will use a post that I just wrote to detail it, since I think I did it quite okay explaining myself.

"It's definetly shame. Catholic upbringing, religious exploration from a young age (13yo) that ended with more fear and insecurities, trauma related to my first girlfriend that treated me badly, and some of my current partner's attitude towards me that really stick to me. There's a lot behind everytime I reject intimacy, but the PMO cycle just made it easier to avoid and worse to fix.

And about my partner asking me to let loose, she definetly did. But at the time I was so inmersed into this pool of trauma and addiction and resentment that I just didn't answer. The last time I said no she really seemed confused as to why I didn't wanted to be intimate. She felt really bad, and she explained me that she really needed it. This has happened a few times before, but this time it really affected me because she felt completely distraught, and I finally understood that this wasn't supposed to happen. I am supposed to fulfill her desires because I love her. The next day I started abstaining.
My NoFap journey is quite short, I kept a 17 day streak and relapsed on Monday. That same day I started to read this forum, and it changed the way I understand it now. I recognize that the way I confronted this challenge was naive. This is not about a thing that I do to feel better as a man, as single guys do it. This is for her, she deserves better, she deserves a partner that is completely commited to her, she deserves to see that side of me.

There has been some improvement, we shared some time together and it felt right. I don't want to go back again."

 

[Sad_wife]

I will, most definetly. I've tried but after reading this forum I understood that I've started NoFap with the wrong approach. I thought that this was a sort of self improvement journey to become the man I wanted to be. But I'm starting to understand that this is just me recognizing I'm a bad person. That's just it. That I already failed her, and that this is just the minimum I could do.

you are not a bad person. P is a trap. Social media is a trap and images are everywhere. Easy to find and exciting. P is so addictive and radially available. It is a huge problem that is effecting a lot of young people. I started getting scared for my kids 3 years ago because of how different and available hard core porn is. And then going through what I went through with my husband did a 180 about P and M after reading and finding out about the effects. I was taught it was healthy. What a sham. But honestly there is a lot of propaganda disguised as sex positivity that has become the climate of our society. Have you paid attention to commercials? I feel like it’s an uphill battle.

You caught it early. And yes it is that bad. Just try. It’s hard. P and M is sooooo addictive just like sugar. Empty, meaningless and actually not as satisfying as it seems.

you can get there. Stick around. I think telling her and asking for her help in keeping you accountable is very important.

 

[Real Jerry Seinfeld]

Thanks for sharing your view, I've seen you spreading a lot of wisdom around here.

First of all I want to say that when I posted that reply you're quoting I was in the middle of a panic attack, the regret and commitment to being a better partner is still here, but with a little less anxiety now.
About my story, I will use a post that I just wrote to detail it, since I think I did it quite okay explaining myself.

"It's definetly shame. Catholic upbringing, religious exploration from a young age (13yo) that ended with more fear and insecurities, trauma related to my first girlfriend that treated me badly, and some of my current partner's attitude towards me that really stick to me. There's a lot behind everytime I reject intimacy, but the PMO cycle just made it easier to avoid and worse to fix.

And about my partner asking me to let loose, she definetly did. But at the time I was so inmersed into this pool of trauma and addiction and resentment that I just didn't answer. The last time I said no she really seemed confused as to why I didn't wanted to be intimate. She felt really bad, and she explained me that she really needed it. This has happened a few times before, but this time it really affected me because she felt completely distraught, and I finally understood that this wasn't supposed to happen. I am supposed to fulfill her desires because I love her. The next day I started abstaining.
My NoFap journey is quite short, I kept a 17 day streak and relapsed on Monday. That same day I started to read this forum, and it changed the way I understand it now. I recognize that the way I confronted this challenge was naive. This is not about a thing that I do to feel better as a man, as single guys do it. This is for her, she deserves better, she deserves a partner that is completely commited to her, she deserves to see that side of me.

There has been some improvement, we shared some time together and it felt right. I don't want to go back again."

I'm sorry to hear you've struggled with anxiety and shame. I agree it's important to be intimate with your other half and meet their needs as well as your own. Getting PMO under control should help build your capacity for intimacy and help you grow both in yourself and in your relationship. Taking these first steps is something to be proud of, so focus on the feeling of pride your streaks give you rather than the feelings of shame your failures conjure.

 

[earthshaper]

You guys have been so kind and empathetic to me, I am really thankful for your time and words. The impulse that drove me to start this thread was fueled by hate and frustration towards myself. The negativity has died down thankfully, but the desire to do better stays.

Been enjoying some time together, the intimacy feels refreshing and in general the right thing to do. Haven't felt the need of returning to the PMO cycle lately. Doing great.

This is the path. Thank you to everyone that posted here for helping me open my eyes and understand this journey differently. It helped.

 

[Sad_wife]

You guys have been so kind and empathetic to me, I am really thankful for your time and words. The impulse that drove me to start this thread was fueled by hate and frustration towards myself. The negativity has died down thankfully, but the desire to do better stays.

Been enjoying some time together, the intimacy feels refreshing and in general the right thing to do. Haven't felt the need of returning to the PMO cycle lately. Doing great.

This is the path. Thank you to everyone that posted here for helping me open my eyes and understand this journey differently. It helped.

I’m so glad that being here has helped. *platonic hugs*

please sick around even if things are getting tough. I would like to be a voice of help for you and your wife.

 

[Warfman]

This is for her, she deserves better, she deserves a partner that is completely commited to her, she deserves to see that side of me.

I think this is a flawed view, ultimately yes, she benefits from you removing addiction from your life if you stay together, but this can't be your main purpose for wanting to stop. It has to come from within, for you.

I don't know your story, and I don't know you, but be assured you aren't "bad" for this. Most of the time this happens so innocently (in preteen years) that you've been hooked before you knew what was going on. HOWEVER you are now in control, and do have a choice.

Have you started identifying triggers? Addiction cycles? You mention trauma, this will need to be a big focus depending on what that is specifically, moving forward without addressing trauma is very hard. Anxiety and stress have been big issues I struggle with. Working though pain and things from the past is necessary. I love what Dr. John Delony says about anxiety and how he articulates it, that might be worth checking out. Also, solely based on your post about wanting to "do this for her" I think reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover would be beneficial to you. Especially around the "nice guy" paradigms of doing things for others, so that you ultimately get your needs met. This book really opened my eyes to a lot of my behaviors. Definitely worth it. Audiobook is free on YouTube.
If you are Catholic (or Christian) you might also really like "Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge. I've been going through that book again recently and it's incredible. Audiobook is free with a Spotify premium subscription. I have the hard copies as well, but love listening to a chapter several times while working as well.

Best wishes.

 

[The Shift]

I think this is a flawed view, ultimately yes, she benefits from you removing addiction from your life if you stay together, but this can't be your main purpose for wanting to stop. It has to come from within, for you.

I don't know your story, and I don't know you, but be assured you aren't "bad" for this. Most of the time this happens so innocently (in preteen years) that you've been hooked before you knew what was going on. HOWEVER you are now in control, and do have a choice.

Have you started identifying triggers? Addiction cycles? You mention trauma, this will need to be a big focus depending on what that is specifically, moving forward without addressing trauma is very hard. Anxiety and stress have been big issues I struggle with. Working though pain and things from the past is necessary. I love what Dr. John Delony says about anxiety and how he articulates it, that might be worth checking out. Also, solely based on your post about wanting to "do this for her" I think reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover would be beneficial to you. Especially around the "nice guy" paradigms of doing things for others, so that you ultimately get your needs met. This book really opened my eyes to a lot of my behaviors. Definitely worth it. Audiobook is free on YouTube.
If you are Catholic (or Christian) you might also really like "Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge. I've been going through that book again recently and it's incredible. Audiobook is free with a Spotify premium subscription. I have the hard copies as well, but love listening to a chapter several times while working as well.

Best wishes.

Totally support the Wild at Heart recommendation John Eldredge is a licensed counselor as well, he really knows how to put trauma into words and how to address it and Dr John Delony is very very good.

Wild at Heart is available on the Libby app as well for free with just a library card in their network. (It’s easy to find them) most are free.

Porn is evil brother. It is adultery. It is responsible for wider ranges of evils that we never consider like trafficking and slavery. It’s selfish and destructive… like all addiction.

you’re not a bad person you’re a broken person who’s done a bad thing. Be honest and heal. I pray your spouse will heal with you! She deserves the best version of you and nothing less

you deserve to be the best version of you. You have to want to be the best version

 

[MikeSilva]

You cheated on her repeatedly for years with hundreds of women and lied about it...

@earthshaper do not listen to crazy talk like this. If watching P is cheating then 95% of men are cheaters. You did not cheat, you watched porn. Like I did, like a lot of men do.

You are better than average men because you chose to quit ! You are a very very very good man. Do not crush your self confidence, just quit porn and be a good partner. Sending love and strength brother.

 

[Sad_wife]

???????

I think she means in your mind.

 

[Sad_wife]

@earthshaper do not listen to crazy talk like this. If watching P is cheating then 95% of men are cheaters. You did not cheat, you watched porn. Like I did, like a lot of men do.

You are better than average men because you chose to quit ! You are a very very very good man. Do not crush your self confidence, just quit porn and be a good partner. Sending love and strength brother.

it depends on the perspective and the partners drive. In my case my husbands use very much was infidelity. Addiction or not. He agrees. I begged for sex and would get turned down. Told I need to chill. Because he would use his libido on porn with me in the other room. Nope that’s cheating in my book. Can we get past it? Yeah. But my husband actually connected. Part of what got him off were their emotions and looking at their faces. He did connect and seek that connection. So it’s just about being honest about the addiction and what you are doing. You time…, I say myth. Your turning to something other then your partner.

 

[CrushedandLeaving]

@earthshaper do not listen to crazy talk like this. If watching P is cheating then 95% of men are cheaters. You did not cheat, you watched porn. Like I did, like a lot of men do.

You are better than average men because you chose to quit ! You are a very very very good man. Do not crush your self confidence, just quit porn and be a good partner. Sending love and strength brother.

Anything outside of a relationship's agreed upon sexual behavior is infidelity. If he hid it, it's cheating. Bringing sexual energy for other people is cheating and infidelity unless you've both explicitly said it's fine. I'm my experience, most men don't hide their porn use, which is great. I just don't want to date them and I'm able to make that choice. This guy tricked her into marrying him without knowing what she was getting into.