I failed, after 150 days I failed.

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by atreiu, Feb 19, 2016.

  1. atreiu

    atreiu Fapstronaut

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    Well, it happened.. don't wanna spend much words on it but focus myself on a fresh and healthy restart.

    I ignored one of the best advices I've been giving around on the forum lately and I took a peak at some website I shouldn't have visited anymore.

    I've set my goal to 150 days now, that was my best streak ever anyway.. so I'll look at it as something to be proud of, even tho I'm ashamed aswell.

    I'll meet the "better me" in 5 months from now.

    Cheers.
     
  2. Your 150 days is more of a celebration, than a loss. 150 days, that's crazy. You must have experienced a lot of good stuff.
    Now you know for sure, that you are capable. I would like to hear about the changes you felt and how you used them for your own benefits.

    Anyway, congratulations!!!
    And beware of the erratic chaser effect that will hunt you the next few days!
     
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  3. Buzz Lightyear

    Buzz Lightyear Fapstronaut

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    I'm more interested in hearing why you felt the need to return to the trough after 150 days!:eek:

    OK, I know you've made progress, and it's all a process yadeeeyadeeya..

    BUT, to play the devil's advocate, what if after all this time, this thing comes back with renewed vigour. Doesn't that thought terrify you?
     
    atreiu likes this.
  4. atreiu

    atreiu Fapstronaut

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    To answer both of you guys, I think the main problem was that I didn't make perfect use of the good momentum that came with the 2-3 and 4 months streak: my life kept being pretty much the same, my university situation didn't "skyrocket", and so.. in one of the several anxiety moments, I decided to get a little distraction.. just 5 minutes of those things that during a forgotten time used to relax me; then one thing led to another and I relapsed, and kept doing it for 3 more days.. I do wish I stopped at the first time, but I think that many of you already know how a relapse works :(

    It does scare me, Buzz, but now that I know how it feels not to be enslaved by P I think it will be easier than the first time.. I'm just annoyed that I'll have to pass through the "bad" phase of full anxiety, and accelerated hearthbeating that only after the 4th month started to calm down a bit.. I need to be strong.. well.. STRONGER!
     
  5. Buzz Lightyear

    Buzz Lightyear Fapstronaut

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    Good luck with the reboot. But I would be cautious about thinking always along the lines of progress as far as failing and renewing your initial resolve goes. It may not necessarily go that way, the thought of which should horrify us. Consider the acute psychological observations of a great writer:

    Yes, I preferred the elderly and discontented doctor, surrounded by friends and cherishing high hopes; and bade a resolute farewell to liberty, the comparative youth, the light step, leaping impulses and secret pleasures, that I had enjoyed in the disguise of Hyde. I made this choice perhaps with some unconscious reservation, for I neither gave up the house in Soho, nor destroyed the clothes of Edward Hyde, which still lay ready in my cabinet. For two months, however, I was true to my determination; for two months I led a life of such severity as I had never before attained to, and enjoyed the compensations of an improving conscience. But time at last began to obliterate the freshness of my alarm; the praise of conscience began to grow into a thing of course; I began to be tortured with throes and longings, as of Hyde struggling after freedom; and at last, in an hour of moral weakness, I once again compounded and swallowed the transforming draught. I do not suppose that, when a drunkard reasons with himself upon his vice, he is at once out of five hundred times affected by the dangers that he runs through his brutish, physical insensibility; neither had I, long as I had considered my position, made enough allowance for the complete moral insensibility and insensate readiness to evil, which were the leading characteristics of Edward Hyde. Yet it was by these that I was punished. My devil had long been caged, he came out roaring. I was conscious, even when I took the draught, of a more unbridled, a more furious propensity to ill.

    Is this pessimistic? No, not at all. It should help with the determination to remain true to your initial resolve.
     
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2016
  6. atreiu

    atreiu Fapstronaut

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    Nice reading.. english isn't my native language but I think I got your (and Dr Jekyll's) point :p

    In this new path I shall be warned by my mistakes, and think 100 times before relapsing again.

    [This might be a little triggering: speaking about the past months I have to say that one of the most beautiful things was I had almost completely forgotten all names of the pornstars and amateur girls I was used to seek: but, God, the quickness they all came back to mind is just unbelievable.. the "power" of human brain...
     
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  7. Phibz

    Phibz Fapstronaut

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    You miss the point if you are waiting on a "better me." Your "best me" is right now. Try learning to live in the present. I've been through so many tests in the past few months. Understanding consciousness has been my only option, lately. Pain has been my catylist.
     
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  8. Going super saiyan

    Going super saiyan Fapstronaut

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    My suggestion -

    Your mindset on this is very unhealthy Ray. You are seeing it as a failure because you've fapped for the first time in 150 days?

    Since august 2015, I've fapped 3 times. So in the time you've only fapped once, I've fapped 3 times. I do not see this as a failure, because the time I've spent away from fapping, I have become more motivated, stronger and my life has drastically improved!

    Are you saying that despite all this, I have failed simply because I've not been 100% clean?

    You need to look at what NoFap helps you do with your life, not just see yourself as a failure simply because you might relapse every now and then. If you relapse and have the strength to pick yourself back up and get on with your life, then you have succeeded, because that's exactly the sort of strength you never had before.
     
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  9. atreiu

    atreiu Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the suggestion, I was just saying that the person who'll break the 150 days goal will be slightly better than the one who PMO'd just before, but of course I have to take care of the present to accomplish that task, you're right ;)

    The problem with this relapse was that I kept Ming for days, the only thing who's been able to stop me was coming clean here, on the forum.
    That's why I've considered it as a big failure: I wasn't able to come to senses and stop right after the first PMO.. those days were dark man, I've reached the status of "old me" in the blink of an eye, that's what scared the sh*t out of me!

    Anyways.. almost 6 days in and things are fine, I know the challenge isn't quite up yet, but I'm sharpening the blades for the real war ;)
     
  10. Buzz Lightyear

    Buzz Lightyear Fapstronaut

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    Sobering stuff. And a good warning to others to never dally with P again. Thanks for posting, and good luck.

    Keep in mind 'the horror, the horror!', and you'll lose your taste for it.
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2016
    atreiu likes this.
  11. nomo

    nomo Fapstronaut

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    150 days, well done. I'm sure you learned so much in that time. I found it interesting that you started to "calm down" during the 4th month, I've never made it past 34 days. It would be interesting to feel the physiological changes where a chemical change in the brain takes place and the reboot really begins to occur. My feeling is a relapse doesn't set a person's brain back to day 1 if they were able to achieve a reboot.
    Thanks for sharing. Write about your success in 5-months, you can do this.
     
    atreiu likes this.
  12. programer

    programer Fapstronaut

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    Hmmnn. I also
    relapsed after 296
    days. Keep going on.
     
    atreiu likes this.
  13. R1111444

    R1111444 Fapstronaut

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    Bro, tell us the story why you fail it will be good for us and for your self , be strong bro , dont use internet when you dont have work ✌️✌
     
  14. atreiu

    atreiu Fapstronaut

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    Hi guys, I'm sorry I've not posted anymore but I felt like I needed to take a break from everything P-related, even NoFap :)

    You're most certainly right man, lately I've noticed that while on the last reboot the real goal for the daily urges to end was reaching 30-40 days, this second time I only needed to "be strong" for a week, then the "P-expert" I became so rapidly during the relapse days faded off so quickly I didn't even realize!

    This should really help you guys for attempts that follow a long-time streak like mine.

    The worst thing is I don't even remember so well, which lets me understand how useless and stupid the trigger was.

    I only remember I was home alone and had to start studying for an exam, then, to avoid this anxious though I decided to take a peek to a semi-P website, and that was it for the day. On the following day, tho, I didn't know but I had already relapsed.. which happened, unavoidably.

    My advice is the same I've been giving on the forum for all the days of my winning-streak: do not ever look for P again: it will lead to a relapse, soon or later, and you'll loose (almost) all the progress you've done.

    If a relapse happens tho, do not fall into depression because it will lead to multiple PMO for multiple days (happens to a lot of us), consider "running" here on the forum, resetting the counter, and coming clean to start the reboot in that very moment of shame.

    I hope this will help :)

    Cheers!
     
  15. Buzz Lightyear

    Buzz Lightyear Fapstronaut

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    This does not quite seem to sit right. I think something has got lost in the analogy that compares us to re-booting computers.

    Can you see the problem; the mind perceives itself as 're-booted', and then may be susceptible to perhaps allowing just the occasional use of P as that will not undo all the technical work that's been achieved. It might not, but then it might... There is nowhere in the narrative that it is morally wrong.

    This mind-set is vulnerable to a certain justification to use. The re-booted computer analogy is fine... as an analogy. But like all analogies, it is limited. Anyway, isn't it a contradiction that someone who had 'rebooted' would re-use. The fact that they would use shows they haven't 're-booted'.
     

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