I fall too often

Hey @Stommy. There are many people with far more PMO sobriety than I here, but for what it's worth, I'll just say what has worked for me for the last 30 days (the only other time I achieved 30 days was 10 years ago in SA and it felt much harder). Many have mentioned the spiritual component and as Catholics I think we all agree it is the most important. Over the past year I have restarted a daily prayer routine I had neglected for many years. Mine is 30 mins in the mornings but it could be whatever works for you; I'd say regularity is more important than length. Praying every day has helped me reduce my stress and anxiety, which were major PMO triggers. And as Catholics we have the amazing privilege of the sacraments, particularly the Mass and Confession. Confession not only forgives your sins but gives you peace of mind. (And I've had priests occasionally reprimand me too, so I understand your experience!) So confession also relieves the stress caused by feelings of guilt.

But I will also say that, for me, approaching this from a strictly moral and spiritual standpoint did not work. For most of us, this is an addiction, and needs to be recognized as such. An addiction means that through PMO use, your brain has been rewired in such a way that it equates need for dopamine (the normal need for relief when a negative emotion is felt) with need for PMO. That is because PMO (especially P) delivers an unnaturally high amount of dopamine, and your brain has recalibrated to think that is the new normal. The way out of this addiction is to rewire your brain with PMO abstention, yes, but also very importantly, with healthy activities that give normal amounts of dopamine. I highly recommend Dr. Trish Leigh's YouTube videos on this (she is a neuroscientist). In a sense, PMO addiction has nothing to do with healthy libido or sex per se; you could've gotten addicted to drugs, alcohol, or any other things, and it would work the same way. It just happens that for us, it's PMO. For me, approaching my addiction in this dispassionate, psychological/scientific way has worked wonders. When I feel an urge, instead of thinking, "I am a terrible and impure sinner with immoral tendencies", I am now thinking, "oh, it's just my brain that is playing tricks on me". And I respond with prayer, yes, but also with a concrete action that relieves my negative emotions in a healthy way: go get a coffee, get up and stretch, talk to someone, go on this forum, etc. Before I know it, the urge is over. I am finding that I am both becoming kinder to myself and increasingly free from PMO. And I don't feel like I'm white-knuckling it like that time 10 years ago in SA.

 

I can honestly relate to this, I've never been Catholic, yet over the course of the Covid-19 pandemic I started to believe in God more often funny thing is despite being an ex-atheist, currently gnostic, I have always felt the presence of the Holy Ghost around me, My biggest regret in life has got to be not converting to Catholicism sooner, now I have to wait a long time to start the RCIA in order to convert to this glorious religion, In the mean time I have to deal with my lusty demons from trying to get inside of me and lead me astray. I think this would be a whole lot easier if my sex desires were not so strong and dark, and my desire for women (especially Catholic women) were not so strong, I fricking hate this! Why do I have to have Nuclear hellfire missles for Hormones?! Why can't I just be a normal Catholic dude that just wants a wife and kids? No crazy fetishes or whatever!

 

Sexual attraction towards women is good and healthy! God created men (and women, towards men) that way. Remember Adam in awe of Eve in the garden of Eden: "At last this is bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh." Sexual attraction is strong because the sexual union in marriage is the highest symbol on earth of the ultimate union -- that of God and Man in heaven (see St. Jean-Paul II's Theology of the Body).
The problem is that our natural, healthy sexual desires have been warped through original sin. Recall how, right after the Fall, Adam and Eve immediately start blaming each other. Their perfect marital union is now tainted by suspicion, desire to dominate and exploit, etc. This is where sexual sin comes in -- it is a perversion of something that was originally good and holy.
The sexual attraction of man for woman is so strong because it is really the desire to totally give oneself to another, and to receive the total self-gift of that other. Just like there is only One God to whom Man can give himself in worship, there is only one woman to whom a man can give himself (his wife, if he is called to marriage).
That is what I think is so wonderful about Catholicism. It does not demonize the body and sexual attraction but rather elevates them to their true significance and purpose. Ultimately the goal of any state of life (single, married, consecrated, religious) is union with God. The marital union is a sacrament because it is an efficacious sign of that union with God -- it symbolizes it but also realizes it (i.e. we become closer to God through it).
If what God wants for you is marriage, then I pray He may send you a nice Catholic woman

 

I am saddened to hear you must wait on RCIA but the wait will prove worthwhile. I spent much of my career, traveling internationally and I was not able to be at my home parish for about 50% of the Sundays in a year. Yet, no matter where I attended mass, I immediately felt I was home. For those minutes I was in mass, I wasn't homesick but rather I was with Our Precious Lord, in His house and among like-minded people. Many protestants eschew the rituals of the Catholic church as a love of dogma rather than God. Perhaps there are those who have fallen into that trap but for me the effect is the opposite.

 

Good to hear you are back on the path. I pray we all have a blessed Lent, marked by prayer and a greater appreciation for Our Blessed Lord inspired by grace from the Holy Spirit.

 

I recall many Lents where I vowed to quit PMO and failed. It left me ashamed because I felt I should be stronger particularly during this 40 days where we are humbled by the incredible sacrifice of Our Precious Lord. I carried my shame around with me for years and a big part of me felt that shame was a tool that would help me find freedom so I could not let go of it and I could not muster the desire to forgive myself.

I was quite wrong about that. Shame never helped. Instead of dwelling on my shame, ultimately I found that focusing on the joy I felt during streaks of freedom, often begun with Holy Confession, proved to be a much better tool. I hope you will be able to recall the peace you feel from times of purity and the wonderful sense of confidence you have when receiving the Holy Eucharist with a clean conscience. May these memories become tools in your fight against temptation.

May God bless you and refresh your soul today. You are good man, no matter what you may be telling yourself. Keep striving. I am praying for your success and freedom.

 

I need to remember that.

 

Bishop Sheen said that after successfully tempting us to sin, the devil brings shame to make us feel unworthy of God's love. Clearly God doesn't withhold His love from sinners, there are numerous accounts in the Gospel that prove that. Rather, it is the shame we accept from the devil that holds us back from God.

My parents taught me to be ashamed of myself when I misbehaved. LOL, perhaps they taught me too well. Somehow, I came to believe that with enough shame I wouldn't repeat my mistakes and besides I was supposed to feel ashamed of myself for sinning. In my mind, relinquishing shame seemed to equate to welcoming more sin. However, after so many years of sin and shame, I finally realized shame is no help whatsoever. Indeed, it feels like a weight lifted from my shoulders to let shame go and to embrace Christ without restraint.

I don't mean to blame my parents. They were great parents and very devout Catholics. They merely taught me as they had been taught and with the exception of Mary and Joseph, there have never been any perfect parents.

 

Welcome back. You are not alone.

 

Hello @Stommy,

I’m sorry to hear about your current struggles, brother. I feel the desperation through your post and empathize with it as I have felt it many times in my own life.

The first thing I want to say to you, which was something a holy priest said to me, was that’s there is nothing you can do to earn God’s love for you; He already loves you, right here and now. It’s important for us to take some time in silence to meditate on this amazing reality. We are loved by God. The priest then told me that we don’t pray, fast, or do good works in order to earn God’s love, but rather we do them because we ARE loved by God. We do them to give thanks for His love, to surrender to His love, and to grow in unity with His love.

Now I must say, at first, I found this incredibly difficult to accept. However, God showed me that my difficulty to accept this reality of His love for me happened to be the root cause of my vices/addiction. This disbelief in His love was fueled by the disbelief that I’m lovable. This then begged the question, at what specific point in my life did I decide to hate myself? Where in my life did I set/impose arbitrary standards to dictate my self-worth, and when I could be worthy of being considered lovable? It’s important to pray for the light to answer these questions and to take them to God for healing. In my own journey I have found that the origins my self-hatred were founded in trauma, so it’s important to have a type of support in place to help you, when you start bringing these things to the surface.

 

Very interesting reflection. In my life, that is exactly also when my PMO addiction started.

 

Please consider how the enemy works to twist our lives towards him. Once he ensnares us with temptation, it is inevitable that we will see how shallow and false are the rewards of sin. I suppose there are exceptions but most of us eventually come to realize that sin doesn't provide what we sought and instead plunges us into misery. Clearly, this realization leads us away from the devil and from sin but the devil has another trick for us when we reach this stage. He encourages us to give up hope so we become depressed, so depressed that we give up hope of realizing freedom from sin e.g. despair. Perhaps even so hopeless that we contemplate suicide.

Now consider God's plan for us. As @1 Peter 4 wisely said, we cannot earn God's love and we cannot cause Him to stop loving us. Admittedly, at some point God may leave us to our evil choices but not before He has tried to save us, again and again. I am living proof that God doesn't give up easily on any of us. In our lives on earth, God always offers hope, love and a chance for freedom.

Do not succumb to the devil's snares of doubt and despair. Keep seeking God's grace through frequent, heartfelt prayer and you will find your path to freedom.