I fear my life will be short by my choice

Hi everyone,

This is being written to you all as I am 32 years old. I live in the USA - in the mid-atlantic region of the country. I woke up this morning feeling hopeless and depressed. The same way I felt a few months ago, but with less of a panic this time - just sadness and acceptance.

I am an only child to two parents who have been very loving to me. But have suffered their own issues in their own marriage to me. They are the key support factors in my life. My father is 74 and will be 75 in May. My mom is 65 and will be 66 in August. In many ways, it's been just us 3. But they are getting old and I know at some point I will lose them both. To go further.

I've been a porn addict, or actually, what I like to think - exposed to the 21st century amenities of society and what is thrown at us - since I was 19 years old.

I've been living in a state of hell since November 2020. Why? Because I started nofap. Because for all of my failed attempts to stop porn, I have truly failed at the 40 day mark and I think as I begin to experience my loneliness and what I've experienced with nofap, I don't think I will ever be cured - not by stopping porn and masturbating, but I don't think I will EVER be able to have sex with a woman. I've joined a group outside of nofap where I socialize with people who experience this issue. Unfortunately, I feel like some topics or discussions just make me feel worse at times.

My mental health issues started when I was 23 or 24 years old. I can tell you they were truly attached to pornography. At the time, I went on zoloft because I guess I had OCD - or what many here have experienced - HOCD. I thought that because I could not perform, that something was wrong with me. But when I looked at porn, it was women. When I took the zoloft, the HOCD shit went away and really has never returned.

I have a fetish, but that also involves women, but it is rare I've even experienced it's online "fetish community" - it is purely toxic. So there goes meeting anyone in my life with those similar aspects so to speak. To be clear, my fetish is something called feederism - and I have always been attracted to larger women. But at the end you will see where my dilemma lies.

I've had very little luck dating women. Due to my own shyness - I have been shy for much of my life and also introverted until I get to know someone. My friends have always been a small circle. In many ways, I think I have NO true friends. I don't talk to anyone I went to high school with or college with. I have been alone. Friday night, if I didn't go out because my friends didn't answer - I was home. I'd go out and drive and be in tears because I was just never accepted by the people I was around.

While I have facebook and see people on my timeline. None of my friends really keep in touch with me. It's mostly cousins - that is it.

I have a pitbull that I rescued from a shelter when I was 27. She's my only friend. And she does not even understand half of what I tell her. How sad is that?

I have only had two positive sexual experiences in my life. One before I started PMO and one after. I have been rejected so many times based on my height or probably because I'm flat out ugly.

It wasn't until I bought my house that I had some "luck" with women simply by going on dates. Some women wanted to have sex but I'd stop it because of this issue that many of us here have. Porn is more exciting and satisfying to me for some reason than actual sex - that's my fucking problem. Period. And doctors have no fucking clue with how to handle this.

At the end of the summer in 2020, I took it upon myself to truly quit this habit. Also, I do take viibryd and now I take wellbutrin - which is supposed to counteract the ED side effects. Maybe the meds aren't my problem.

My most recent attempt to be intimate was with a woman in November 2020. I couldn't perform. During my time with her in bed, I either was not attracted to her or what - I don't know. I truly don't know the fucking reason. I had two erections around her that evening - neither during intercourse.

Not long after, I was on this website. I saw a page where I found someone had a video from Gary Wilson and a long discussion where it was mentioned that these effects of porn use are permanent. For myself, I truly think that is the case.

My first sexual experience was with a beautiful woman who was thin and had NOTHING to do with my fetish. I had NO issues on MANY occasions. But at some point, I made the stupid decision to start this. And that killed the relationship. She saw my fetish and what I looked at and called me sick.

So now, here I am 32 and living alone. After constantly telling myself this will get better and maybe I can fix myself.

But it's not going to get better. I cannot be fixed. What I have done to myself is horrible and my subject is what it is, because my family is my main support. And when my parents are no longer on this earth, I am fairly confident I will deliberately take myself off of this earth.

I'm so sorry mom and dad that I was your only one. I'm sorry I am a defect. I'm sorry I will never give you grandchildren. I so sorry that I am a failure.

Thank you for your support in my life and for your guidance, but I can't do this anymore. I really can't. I feel so fucking empty - and even as I type this I have tears in my eyes. I'm sorry for my dog. Because I even don't know how long I'll be around for her. Why was I brought around on this earth? I'll never know why....

 

I see a therapist once per week. I was actually staying with my family to have time, but being back home my mind wanders.

The fetish yeah its weird but im my opinion it isn't super dark. Its just with a woman's size and food that's basically it. Nothing more nothing less.

 

Seems that way.

 

And has it worked for you? I had a therapist tell me to get ED drugs...because this is anxiety

 

Thank you. I feel old, as I feel like life has flown by. But thank you!

 

Thank you sir. I'm keeping my head up and staying in therapy. It won't beat me.

 

Thank you all for the feedback. I don't know if I am infertile, but I know I have dealt with PIED and instances where I had an issue with erections during intimacy. So as a result, I fill myself with very negative thoughts. I had a good conversation with my therapist and it helped.

 

Consider yourself fortunate. Some of us are here because we realized if we let our pornography habit go unchecked we’d face an escalating probability of going to prison.

My suggestion is that you work to solve the related problem of in your words, being “fat and ugly”.

Ugliness is a much bigger problem for women than it is for men, but in both cases when the right emotions shine through your face the ugliness starts to disappear in the eyes of the people you are talking to. Start fighting for your own happiness and freedom. Your face will shine and the ugliness will go away.

You said you own a house. Again, consider yourself fortunate. I am five years your senior and not anywhere close to being able to afford a house. If you can afford a house you can afford a weight loss coach and a personal trainer. Do whatever it takes to lose the weight.

Finally, from one scumbag to another here me when I say you absolutely have to power to change your life and to fight your way out of hell. We need you in this fight because we are all fighting our own battles in the same war. When we fight together we make each other better.

 

Thank you. It's actually not me who needs to lose weight. I'm in rather decent shape for my age and will be optimizing it. I am getting a personal trainer though, yes.