I feel as if I'm a pedo.

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Moatasem, May 17, 2021.

  1. Moatasem

    Moatasem Fapstronaut

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    That's it, I looked at a child in real life, and felt some arousal but didn't get a boner at all and I feel absolutely disgusted and ashamed of myself, I'm going to kill myself today, I already have it preplanned. I don't give a single fuck about what advice anyone will give me, I already know which rope I'm going to use to hang myself, so yeah, consider this the last message and bye.
     
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  2. Stan_9

    Stan_9 Fapstronaut

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    Everyone gets stupid thoughts in their heads. It's the actions that prove who we are. The feeling of ashamed itself proves you're not a pedo so chill
    Don't make decisions out of emotions. Go to someone you love and spend the time
    You'll miss out on an amazing world out there
     
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  3. Moatasem

    Moatasem Fapstronaut

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    Still, I have a strong temptation to act them out.
     
  4. IGY

    IGY Fapstronaut
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    Paedophilia is defined as: a psychiatric disorder in which an adult or older adolescent experiences a primary or exclusive sexual attraction to prepubescent children. Pedophilia - Wikipedia

    Note, it would be a primary or exclusive sexual attraction. This definition doesn't fit you whatsoever. Relax buddy. :)
     
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  5. That's still just the feeling and not the action though. Lots of people here have some impulse to act out sexually in certain ways, but we don't. We MO with those thoughts but that's not the same thing. Also, I honestly don't think a lot of people would actually act out those things when in a real life situation, because the presence of another human being isn't the same as the inanimate visual stimuli of porn.
     
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  6. Davikch

    Davikch Fapstronaut

    Whatever your decision, I support you. You have been through shit, man.
     
    Moatasem likes this.
  7. I used to have HOCD and sometimes when I looked men I get arouse. After beating HOCD I don't get arousal anymore. Maybe u have OCD. Do you have intrusive thoughts????
     
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  8. Moatasem

    Moatasem Fapstronaut

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    Yes, sometimes, plus I'm irritable easily, and I sometimes get violent and break things when I look at my life and see things that I don't feel can be changed, today I violently closed the bathroom door just to wash my hands, and yesterday I clenched my teeth hard in the kitchen and was fidgeting so hard and my face was a little reddish, I get so fucking angry thanks to PornHub wanting to make money off of porn addicts suffering, fuck this world.
     
  9. Moatasem

    Moatasem Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, but the thing is, I looked at a child today and felt some arousal, why "some"? Because I was suppressing most of the urge, now imagine if I'm alone in my bedroom and I looked at cp, I would be such a disgusting human being that doesn't deserve to live.
     
  10. I think a lot of us have anger, though of course a part of that is from reboot and different people have different reasons. When I was in high school I used to push holes through walls, once I chopped through a glass lamp. (not saying it's cool)

    There can be change though, it's just not easy and takes a lot of adjustments. In the past I've treid to reboot through willpower, would even make it to 6 months but I'd get so angry and it's just not sustainable. So I don't believe it's about days or length of time, I am looking at having some peace of mind and a healthy way of living that can work for the rest of my life.
     
    Moatasem likes this.
  11. Bro. Take it easy and relax tell me when it all started.
     
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  12. Christoph108

    Christoph108 Fapstronaut

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    some people have malfunctioning kidneys, you have a malfunctioning brain. Both can be treated
     
  13. IGY

    IGY Fapstronaut
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    I understand the point you are making. But even if you were a paedophile, which you are not, it is a psychiatric disorder. A disorder can be treated. We do not kill people with psychiatric disorders. We support them not to harm themselves/others. It is an emotional subject, but try and think about it more logically and less subjectively.
     
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  14. aPerson

    aPerson Fapstronaut

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    Sexuality doesn't care when taken out of the context of being a self-aware and considerate human being. So long as you're self-aware and considerate of other people, it doesn't matter imo. What you think and feel are not what you are, particularly in the case of sexual impulse (all in my opinion).
     
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  15. Moatasem

    Moatasem Fapstronaut

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    Yesterday, I was studying overnight for my last ever final exam for this year until I'm free, the exam is after 2 days, so I've got in the kitchen and fidgeted for a while, and only finished about half the chapter, so due to the boredom, I looked at porn, and it was amazingly exciting, I reached a streak of 5 days, so it's normal to get aroused by porn in such a period, so I sat there for a while doing things on my laptop for about an hour, like making a video and slowing down some songs using audacity, and have gone to sleep and got out my phone, then I relapsed. When I'm finally free of school, I'm going to be 4 months free of school, so I hope it becomes easier, but the pedophilia thing now is receding a little after reading a lot about how I can be free of it and how I don't have to be depressed because of it.
     
  16. Moatasem

    Moatasem Fapstronaut

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    True.
     
  17. Quit porn right now before its too late. Your brain will do anything to get its dopamine hit. Don't get to that point where you start searching cp. You can save yourself from the pain down the line cuz your gonna beat yourself up about it and how disgusted you feel. Your brain could be looking for taboo something new so it may choose children's. Your brain wants more dopamine so its looking for something else. I was straight but I started looking at gay porn , transsexual porn and bestiality but after quitting I am realising it was my brain searching for more dopamine. I will tell you one thing pray to god and seek forgiveness. I am sorry for what your going through. I turned to god and it helped me alot.
     
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  18. MindfulWarrior

    MindfulWarrior Fapstronaut

    I watched a video the other day in which some sexual offenders / pedophiles were talking about how it started with pornography, so there's not necessarily anything wrong with you per se but escalation, get away from porn now and you can begin healing, you will feel so much better. There's hope friend, porn has nothing to offer you, it will only make you miserable.
     
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  19. Moatasem

    Moatasem Fapstronaut

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    I don't have to be quick to label myself as a pedo.
    Viewing Child Abuse Images: Paedophile or Addicted to Porn? (welldoing.org)
     

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