I feel better when I relapse???

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by gaccts82, Sep 2, 2020.

  1. gaccts82

    gaccts82 Fapstronaut

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    Hello all. I was on a pretty long streak (for me). I went 17 days without watching porn. This was good and all, but I started to feel kinda "dead inside" the past few weeks. I was wondering why I was feeling this way. I was constantly stuck in my head, overthinking things, shaming myself, feeling like a loser.

    I felt almost nothing, the idea of women wasn't turning me on. I didn't have any energy at all, and I spoke with no force or bass. I started to overthink all this. I wondered why I felt no attraction towards women or the desire for anything. This made me a little scared, and I decided I was going to try to edge. Long story short, I relapsed on PMO. The feelings I felt when I looked at P felt really good. I realized then and there that I am not turned on by normal women like I am by porn.

    After DAYS of not feeling anything, I finally felt something. Besides the shame of breaking my streak, I honestly felt pretty good for the rest of the day. I had an abundance of energy and I spoke with confidence and power. I was able to seriously focus on my schoolwork. I was feeling like I was going to burst with the energy I had. I kept running around and yelling and screaming, super weird huh?

    And my overthinking completely went away. I felt like I had CONTROL over my brain. Normally I would think bad thoughts and just let them run their course, ruining my mood and making me depressed. But yesterday I was simply able to tell myself, "i dont wanna think about that" and the thoughts just went away. It was crazy. I was chillin with some of my friends and I was actually present to the moment 100% of the time. I am so used to dozing off in my own thoughts and forgetting what is happening with people. This time I was actually able to BE IN THE MOMENT.

    Why did I feel like this? I have some theories. Being a chronic over-thinker, I felt abnormal while I was abstaining from PMO. I had no sexual desire because I am trained to only get turned on by porn. I felt like I wasn't a normal teenager. I was probably depressed during that time because of that, which made me never in the moment and no confidence. But when I relapsed I remembered the feeling. I should be feeling that towards real girls, not my computer screen.

    Is this normal? The feeling nothing? If I stick with NoFap for 90 days will I start to feel towards real women the way I feel towards porn? I am scared to start again and feel nothing like I did the past 2 weeks.
     
  2. Some addicts use PMO as a coping mechanism, it's a common reason for the addiction to develop. It sounds like maybe you were confronting some of your behaviour while sober and struggling with that (I'm struggling with this very much right now). It's tough but I believe that you need to overcome this to truly recover.
     
    Candun likes this.
  3. gaccts82

    gaccts82 Fapstronaut

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    Makes sense. I seem to not care as much when im PMO.
     
  4. Astro101

    Astro101 Fapstronaut

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    Yes, I think I use it as a coping mechanism - PMO 'overides' everything else that is going on - in that sense, it is very much a 'drug' that your brain gets hooked on. Not a healthy loop - rather than dealing with the real issue - I go into the fantasy PMO world and convince myself that it's all fine.
     
  5. Mr. Kruger

    Mr. Kruger Fapstronaut

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    You were going through a flatline. The only reason you felt better is because you had a PMO and got that dopamine rush your brain was yearning for. If you keep doing this, you will get stuck in a perpetual cycle of flatlining and PMOing, and you'll never reboot.
     
  6. pr0nbad

    pr0nbad Fapstronaut
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    Yeah its called a flatline and its perfectly normal. I went through the same thing during one of my first few streaks when I made it 14 days. It sucks but I know things will get better. I have found that cold showers help with this. Maybe try drinking some hot tea to see if that helps, though I don't recommend coffee or energy drinks if they cause you to become overstimulated/jittery. Exercise also helps because of the way it releases endorphins.
     
  7. gaccts82

    gaccts82 Fapstronaut

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    Thats what I thought but I didnt realize it would happen so soon. Threw me off a bit
     
  8. Astro101

    Astro101 Fapstronaut

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    Cold showers are good and if you have access to cold plunge pools - like a cold lake, or gym with cold pool - do that - there have been scientific studies that show these help with depression - same logic here. I used to use the one in my gym before the pandemic. Now I just dump ice cold water on myself on my balcony.
     
    gaccts82 likes this.
  9. Astro101

    Astro101 Fapstronaut

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    How's your flatline going btw - I'm entering the 14day flatline myself - not a good place to be.
     
  10. OhWhenThe

    OhWhenThe Fapstronaut

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    When I'm PMO'ing I feel ok, not great but not terrible either. I still have crippling social anxiety, low self-esteem/confidence etc but my general mood is a 5/10. After a week or two clean my mood begins to deteriorate quite rapidly to the point where the thought of stepping out in front of a bus becomes quite appealing. This lasts about three weeks and then afterwards I go back to feeling 5/10 again, my hope is that over time this 5/10 will become 6/10 and then 7/10 and so on but I know that this will not happen overnight.

    Whilst I feel ok on PMO I know that this isn't going to get me anywhere in life, I might not feel horrible like I do when I hit the withdrawal phase but I just don't feel anything at all. No motivation, no enthusiasm, I try and do things that are supposed to be fun but instead they feel more like a chore. It really is true when people say that watching porn turns you into a zombie.
     

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