I feel hopeless

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Icarus567, Oct 14, 2020.

  1. Icarus567

    Icarus567 Fapstronaut

    Dear Fellow NoFappers,

    I have recently relapsed from PMO after about 10 months, but this time it is different. If you would like to know my backstory, I highly recommend my other post "My Masturbation Leads to Evil," but in a nutshell, here it is.

    I have been exposed to porn at a young age. Over the years, I have fluctuated between my PMOs, but this did not discourage me from attaining educational success. The kicker here is that during those years, I have linked my PMOs to be preludes to unfortunate events in my life. This can range in severity from quarrels to "accidents" and, yes, even death. When I don't PMO, nothing happens. I know it might sound crazy, but I have lived through it enough that this idea is embedded in my mind. I have gone weeks, months, and even years between PMOs, and the concept held through. Yet, despite this, despite all the shame and guilt, I still do it. Now, I feel hopeless.

    I watch pretty typical porn. No fetishes, no violence, just type in a name and browse videos. Sometimes, this would last minutes, other times hours. Either way, right after ejaculation, I feel upset at myself and feel immediate regret. That transitions into fear, because I know something terrible will happen. I just know it, but I cannot define when or where it will happen.

    Over the years, I have done the typical things to hinder any PMO: cold showers, exercise, the usual. Nowadays, it is a bit different. For the first time in my life, I do not have school to attend (I just graduated college) and I spend my time at home, pretty much slacking off. I'm applying for jobs, but nothing is coming in. Don't get me wrong, I don't spend every day PMOing, but a recent relapse has put me in a whirlwind. I have been exercising regularly, eating well, and keeping myself occupied, but my recent relapse has turned me on edge.

    I am, as I have before, living in fear. I fear that something terrible will happen to my loved ones. I fear that I will never shake off my problem with porn. I fear that it will never leave me and I will suffer for the rest of my life. When I didn't PMO, I would still have "sexy" thoughts of porn (again, of women, nothing out of the ordinary), but I would try to shun them. They would sometimes come randomly, sometimes from regular TV show that I watched. Now, I fear that something is wrong with me. I don't know if it is psychological based on my thinking, genetic based on something like impulse control, or from simple boredom and for a certain feeling. What gets to me is that I am a hypocrite. I have posted my tips and thoughts on porn and why it is bad, but I cannot adhere to my own advice. Personally, that irks me. I have always been an honest guy, but now I feel like I am lying to everyone: myself, my family and friends, even God. And now, I am lying to you, the NoFap community (well, at least the ones who read my posts).

    Nonetheless, I know that the problem is with me. I am to blame, I acknowledge that. But my conflicts have clashed in my mind for years. I know it is bad for my health, I know it is immoral, but I still have it inside me. Maybe it is the basic need that is sex, maybe it is the emotion that is pleasure, but I don't want it to be like this. Still, I don't think this will end. Despite my confusion, I have determined that no amount of typing will change how I think, how I process my life. I feel that there is no hope for me, no matter what practices I have undertaken. Not for what I have thought, seen, and done. I hate myself and what porn has done to myself and others. I have to be stopped. Please, someone help before I have to take matters into my own hands. Save me.
  2. You will be in constant peril until you understand the true force of the will. You may believe and promise all things, but your promises and your faith are of no account until you put your will on the right side. If you will fight the fight of faith with your will-power, there is no doubt that you will conquer.

    The tempted one needs to understand the true force of the will. This is the governing power in the nature of man-- the power of decision, of choice. Everything depends on the right action of the will. Desires for goodness and purity are right, as far as they go; but if we stop here, they avail nothing. Many will go down to ruin while hoping and desiring to overcome their evil inclinations. They do not yield the will to God. They do not choose to serve Him.

    Many are inquiring, "How am I to make the surrender of myself to God?" You desire to give yourself to Him, but you are weak in moral power, in slavery to doubt, and controlled by the habits of your life of sin. Your promises and resolutions are like ropes of sand. You cannot control your thoughts, your impulses, your affections. The knowledge of your broken promises and forfeited pledges weakens your confidence in your own sincerity, and causes you to feel that God cannot accept you; but you need not despair. What you need to understand is the true force of the will. This is the governing power in the nature of man, the power of decision, or of choice. Everything depends on the right action of the will. The power of choice God has given to men; it is theirs to exercise. You cannot change your heart, you cannot of yourself give to God its affections; but you can choose to serve Him. You can give Him your will; He will then work in you to will and to do according to His good pleasure. Thus your whole nature will be brought under the control of the Spirit of Christ; your affections will be centered upon Him, your thoughts will be in harmony with Him.

    If you have gone up to "years" between your moral breakdowns, you may have some knowledge of this already; but the only way to stop permanently is to, instead of trying to control your outward behavior (this will always fail eventually), take the fight to your thoughts--where it all starts. Do not allow your mind to linger on forbidden themes for even a moment. Do not allow yourself to fantasize, or daydream, of the pleasure that the O will give you, or of how you will reach it. Simply choose to put all thoughts of such far, far away. You will certainly have tempting thoughts. But as long as you immediately reject them, and ask God for help in changing your heart's desires, you will be safe. But you mustn't let down your guard.

    Every victory will make you stronger, and will reduce the force of the temptation. This is something I have learned in my own experience. I have been apart from my wife for an intolerable length of time already (I'm lonely). But I do not allow myself to think of MO as even a possibility for me. I simply refuse to go down that path. I have gone without an O--indeed, without so much as a wet dream (i.e. total retention)--for many months now. At first, it was hard. I had been addicted to the O, and it seemed extremely hard to quit. But now, after so long without, I know that I have quit, and am no longer addicted. My willpower has strengthened on this point considerably. This can be your experience, too. You just need to take the fight to the right place--your mind. If you try simply to control your behavior, without first governing your mind, you can never hope to succeed. The thoughts of the mind provoke feelings and desires which then arouse the body to action. Control the thoughts, and the battle is won. But you mustn't let down your guard.

    Some of this may seem repetitious: it's because it's important. You can be victorious, as I have been--or perhaps better still. There is hope for you and for anyone who has fallen into the cycle of addiction.

    I truly hope this helps.

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