Dear Fellow NoFappers, I have recently relapsed from PMO after about 10 months, but this time it is different. If you would like to know my backstory, I highly recommend my other post "My Masturbation Leads to Evil," but in a nutshell, here it is. I have been exposed to porn at a young age. Over the years, I have fluctuated between my PMOs, but this did not discourage me from attaining educational success. The kicker here is that during those years, I have linked my PMOs to be preludes to unfortunate events in my life. This can range in severity from quarrels to "accidents" and, yes, even death. When I don't PMO, nothing happens. I know it might sound crazy, but I have lived through it enough that this idea is embedded in my mind. I have gone weeks, months, and even years between PMOs, and the concept held through. Yet, despite this, despite all the shame and guilt, I still do it. Now, I feel hopeless. I watch pretty typical porn. No fetishes, no violence, just type in a name and browse videos. Sometimes, this would last minutes, other times hours. Either way, right after ejaculation, I feel upset at myself and feel immediate regret. That transitions into fear, because I know something terrible will happen. I just know it, but I cannot define when or where it will happen. Over the years, I have done the typical things to hinder any PMO: cold showers, exercise, the usual. Nowadays, it is a bit different. For the first time in my life, I do not have school to attend (I just graduated college) and I spend my time at home, pretty much slacking off. I'm applying for jobs, but nothing is coming in. Don't get me wrong, I don't spend every day PMOing, but a recent relapse has put me in a whirlwind. I have been exercising regularly, eating well, and keeping myself occupied, but my recent relapse has turned me on edge. I am, as I have before, living in fear. I fear that something terrible will happen to my loved ones. I fear that I will never shake off my problem with porn. I fear that it will never leave me and I will suffer for the rest of my life. When I didn't PMO, I would still have "sexy" thoughts of porn (again, of women, nothing out of the ordinary), but I would try to shun them. They would sometimes come randomly, sometimes from regular TV show that I watched. Now, I fear that something is wrong with me. I don't know if it is psychological based on my thinking, genetic based on something like impulse control, or from simple boredom and for a certain feeling. What gets to me is that I am a hypocrite. I have posted my tips and thoughts on porn and why it is bad, but I cannot adhere to my own advice. Personally, that irks me. I have always been an honest guy, but now I feel like I am lying to everyone: myself, my family and friends, even God. And now, I am lying to you, the NoFap community (well, at least the ones who read my posts). Nonetheless, I know that the problem is with me. I am to blame, I acknowledge that. But my conflicts have clashed in my mind for years. I know it is bad for my health, I know it is immoral, but I still have it inside me. Maybe it is the basic need that is sex, maybe it is the emotion that is pleasure, but I don't want it to be like this. Still, I don't think this will end. Despite my confusion, I have determined that no amount of typing will change how I think, how I process my life. I feel that there is no hope for me, no matter what practices I have undertaken. Not for what I have thought, seen, and done. I hate myself and what porn has done to myself and others. I have to be stopped. Please, someone help before I have to take matters into my own hands. Save me.