I feel like a failure

[TicLun]

Hi, I've been doing NoFap for almost 2 years now and I still feel like a complete failure sometimes

My longest streak was roughly 7 months long, it was around the time my friend with benefits "broke up with me" and I slowly started falling into really serious depression (mainly because of problems with family and friends). Around the time I was at the lowest in my life, I had no real sexual desire (it was that bad) therefore practicing NoFap wasn't really a problem... Fast forward a bit and I relapsed last winter and ever since I've been struggling with my streaks.

At first, my streaks were roughly 3-4 days long but now I usually relapse once, maybe twice a month... that's a huge improvement in the span of 6 months, right? Unfortunately, I don't feel that way but I am proud of what I have become so far. When I was 13-16 I was sex obsessed teen cracking sex jokes and sex fantasies left and right, fapping to strange stuff 5 maybe 7 times a week but today I am a more composed, almost young adult dealing with and fighting this addiction, yet I still feel like a complete failure every time I relapse (and sometimes even without relapsing or doing something wrong). I look back and see that 7-month long streak and I feel so discouraged. When I relapse I just go sit in my room on the floor, pitch black with sad music blasting in my ears every time it happens, and I even sometimes cry about how much of a failure I feel like (kinda prone to depression a little bit because of all the trauma).

I don't know how to properly face it, how to face myself. Fighting temptations is hard enough itself but seeing those 7 months... I really feel like I won't ever break free from this stuff. Makes me wonder WHEN will I get free from it, if I even can that is. I am experiencing all this hard stuff and I look back at how easy it felt during the time I was depressed because sadly, nothing really mattered to me.

I will continue Nofap, don't take me as a giving-up type but the more and more I practice NoFap the more I feel empty, emotionless inside and I don't know why.

! I'm writing all of this after relapse (12 days streak, second relapse this month) so I am kinda spilling my heart a bit but any advice or even some kind words would really help or if anyone also experienced a long streak and then constant relapsed.
Thank you for hearing me out and sorry for such a long bragging story.

 

[tikiwaka]

I feel like you are probably a pessimist when reading this post. You had made such a long-time streak and even your lastest one 12-days is not a short period.
Just try to foucs on the stuff you have achieved, take all these short or long streaks as your accomplishments, and try not to treat the relapse as a failure. You know NoFap is hard, it is a BIG challenge for everyone. That's why it would cost us so much energy and willpower to adhere to. That's why it is so normal to have ups and downs. There is no failure on this journey, just like you were taking a fork in the road and make it a litter further to the destination. However, you are still keeping in the right direction, cause you are always trying. The courage and determination matters.
Finally I would say, stop thinking of when you could get totally free on this stuff. We do it to make ourselves better, it is that simple. We are not attempting to be saints without any compulsions. Take a loot at who you are now and who you were at 13-16, you have made that improvement, right? Just keep going, and one day, let nature take its course, it will be what it will be.