I feel like a man around women and a wounded child around men

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Rafal, May 22, 2020.

  1. Rafal

    Rafal Fapstronaut

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    I'm 33 years and have no confidence around other men. I feel so extremely inferior to them that I place all of them on a pedestal. Show me the most unsuccessful and ugliest guy you know and I promise I would treat him like he's amazing and I'm his biggest fan. I get submissive, feel dominated, judged, falling short and think of all my shortcoming as a man.

    While I'm with girls, on the other hand, I feel pretty good. I'm not good looking, but I feel I got the upper-hand. I'm nervous as fuck around pretty girls and say a lot of stupid things, I want them to like me and so on, but it's in a completely different way. I feel alive, I like to flirt, talk with them, I'm assertive and have confidence in my self.

    With men I feel like I'm constantly put in place, like "who do you think you are?". It's like it brings up a post-traumatic wound (I was also scared by my step-father, while he was alive). I feel like crying if they yell at me, I never talk back to them or speak up for my self. I just sit quiet and let them do the talking, while feeling like I'm a fucking joke compared to them.

    It has become so weird that it's almost like it has triggered some kind of emotional attraction for them. It's really strange. I can talk to my grandfather, father or brother and end up feeling dominated by them and seeing them through a "lens" which makes them look fantastic and perfect. It's like I want their approval, to care about me, give me a hug and just be nice to me.
     
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  2. matt2k12

    matt2k12 Fapstronaut

    sounds like the classic example of "nice guy syndrome". some guy even wrote a book about it. "no more mr.nice guy" from richard glover. i figure you should read it. if you understand yourself, you will know what to do and how to become better. dont think that you cant change. you can. take massive action.

    one way how to grow in manhood and learn your place is in team sports. thats why i think every man without exception should do team sport. not because of the health, but because of the team, the men in it. go play ice hockey or football. its never too late. there was a guy in our team last season from colombia who started to play ice hockey and even though he barely could skate every 1 on the team loved him and appreciated him, because it takes a lot of guts to do what he did. this is where the respect amongst men come from. it is brutally honest. unfortunately i can not teach you or tell you how to be a man. you already are one. just do what is right. pursue what is arduos and difficult. refrain from pleasure. you will get there.
     
  3. r8js

    r8js Fapstronaut

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    Facing same problem ......
     
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  4. Rafal

    Rafal Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your reply! I have actually read that book and there's no doubt about me being "a nice guy". I think you're really on to something with the respect amongst men. When I read "no more mr. nice guy" I focused more about the attracting girls part. I could be wrong, but I think it mentions something about putting other men on a pedestal and not being able to be "one of the guys". I feel like I get a lot more respect from women than I do from men and this messes things up, because this has given me "admiration" and "attraction" towards guys, which I never had before. It's like I give other men way too much respect, which causes me to have no respect for my self.
     
  5. matt2k12

    matt2k12 Fapstronaut

    why do you want to be "one of the guys"? why do you even need respect from anyone?
    the mindset i have goes like this: i am the best (exaggerated). i dont care what this or that guy thinks. all i care about is what i think of myself. i have values, certain standards, religious principles. i live by those principles. i do what i think is right every day, regardless of the opinion of others. and if the whole world would tell me that my beliefs are wrong, i still wouldnt change my beliefs, because deep down i know they are true and right. that is who i am. if i were to live during the third reich, and my whole country would cheer on for hitler, i still wouldnt do it. and since i live in this modern day and age, where the whole world goes nuts and believes in a climate crisis or a virus or dont believe in a god, i dont care, i know what is true and live by it. and if conditions in society were such as to prevent me from living by my principles, then i would prefer not to live in such a society. know your principles. know what is right. and live by it no matter what. men are like this, and they will recognize you for it. men do not try to manipulate reality in order to obtain what they want, but they sacrifice the present for what is right. as for what to do: dont even strive to grow in status amongst men. this is intrinsically not possible. strive to do what is right. if you dont know what that is, get to know what it is. coming here for help is a form of wanting to become better, which already is the right thing to do. this has to be applied to all aspects of your life. your career, finances, relationships, dreams, goals, habits, hobbies etc.
     
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  6. hfr19

    hfr19 Fapstronaut

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    While it's a good thing to look at another's strengths, just remember everyone has weaknesses too. We're only human. Always remember before you glorify someone, they inevitably have weaknesses just like yourself and myself.
     
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  7. LoveIsAllWeNeed

    LoveIsAllWeNeed Fapstronaut

    Hi @Rafal, thanks for your honesty. I'm afraid you've fallen in the same trap as I've been in most of my life. Being mr Nice Guy among women, trying to win them over, feeling uncomfortable among men is all a sign of only one thing: You don't like your own masculinity. This self-rejection is a serious problem since it disconnects you from your body especially from your sexuality. Doing PMO is a way of dealing with the adverse effects like stress, anxiety, anger and so on which you have needed to suppress.

    My advice to you is the same as I received a couple of years ago when I got caught and went to a psychologist: attend men's groups, learn to appreciate men, be around men, connect with men. There are many men's groups available. The old times in which men were forced into being a macho are long gone. I did a number of groups and this has really opened up my eyes. There are many men who are not willing to fit in the old box and are getting real.

    I know you think that by being mr Nice Guy you can win women for you, but I assure you they do see through you, or at least the ones who are real. Right now, you're not honest with them nor with yourself. Stop faking to be someone you're not, start feeling okay with yourself as a man. So you're not a standard man, that still doesn't make you inferior (nor superior). Uncover your true self without the prejudices about men and women and you'll be on your way back, as I am since two years.
     
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2020
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  8. Rafal

    Rafal Fapstronaut

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    Thanks a lot! I think you're right. This would also kind of explain why I feel like a man among women and why I feel more attracted to women when there's not other men around(?). Through other men I see my own flaws, which cause me to not feel or act like a man.
     
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  9. LoveIsAllWeNeed

    LoveIsAllWeNeed Fapstronaut

    You have flaws as any man. So feel and act like a man with flaws. Only a fool thinks he is flawless.
     
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2020
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  10. TimeToQuitNow

    TimeToQuitNow Fapstronaut

    That seems rough. Maybe you can tell one of your girl friends this. Have them arrange a group hangout with guys and girls. If you get scared around the boys, the girls will be there to help. When you realize they are people just like you, hopefully you won't be as scared.
     
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  11. Rev2.0

    Rev2.0 Fapstronaut

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    I've struggled with this all my life. I have very very few male friends I would consider "close" and none of them are close to where I physically live so phone/text is the only way we stay in touch. This goes all the way back to junior high where I got belittled a lot because I was smart and unathletic, and I never felt I was on par with other guys. I didn't date at all in high school whereas all the guys I hung with had girlfriends all the time. So many times Id be with another guy or two, we're out cruising around and everyone wound up with a chick except me. Even when I'd hear secondhand "so and so thinks you're cute" when I'd try and make something happen with her... nothing. Full disclosure I had been MOing since 11 or 12 yrs old and adding P in high school so now I realize by the time I got to college (where the inadequacy feelings got even worse), my male energy was completely warped. No wonder I was the nice guy and a "girl's best friend" ... who was never getting any.

    I also now realize other men will not respect you if you're PMOing. The one exception is if you have a shit ton of money and/or position of status then you can get respect even if you're a P / sex addict. In fact it adds to your status (see Tiger Woods). But in 98% of the cases you will not be seen as legit by other men. The men who don't PMO will see you as 2nd class (cuz you are) and PMOers will say, he's got the same issues, he's no better than me.

    I do find it interesting the OP feels beta around men but comfortable around women. I would propose that feeling "comfortable" around women and bring good with them sexually are two different things. Even if you're male model handsome, if they can't pick up a strong masculine energy from you--a combination of laser-focus purpose and intense self discipline, both of which PMO utterly strips away--their initial surface attraction will fizzle faster than you can believe and you're stuck in the friendzone at best.

    P conditions us to judge ourselves against other men by appearance (face, body, age, dick size). IRL some very average looking guys routinely get with stunning women... and not just guys with a truckload of money, though that certainly doesn't hurt. When we as men can change the standards of comparison... or better still not compare ourselves at all and be true solely to ourselves... then things can change.
     
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2020
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  12. Rafal

    Rafal Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your reply! You're right about this part. Feeling comfortable around women has more to do with not feeling inferior to them and judged, and that I could be myself. I noticed how girls wasn't interested in me, but I was hoping this would change and they would eventually see me as a potensial partner. However, I have no confidence in myself when it comes to girls actually liking me, even if I'm comfortable around them. An example is school dances, where I instead of thinking about which girl I'd like to dance with, I would try to avoid dancing, because I felt sorry for the girl who had to dance with me.

    Many guys feel inferior to handsome guys, but I feel inferior to all of them, because they have something masculine about them that I lack.
     
  13. Stragler

    Stragler Fapstronaut

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    I used to feel really inferior around men too. I didn’t know why, it got so bad I couldn’t even hold a conversation with my own relatives...but since learning about nofap and gaining some control in this area I no longer struggle with this. I feel I can look them in the eye and stand on level ground with anyone. I now lead some services at my church and was asked to preach a message last month when our preacher needed someone to fill in. I think it has to do with respecting yourself. Something that is very hard to do when constantly going back to PMO and allowing it to trash your character constantly.
     
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  14. Rafal

    Rafal Fapstronaut

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    This is exactly how I feel. I'm excited by your progress!
     

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