I feel like I have thrown my life and family away.

I’m 32 years old. I’ve been looking at porn since I was about 10 or so. I used as a copping mechanism when my parents were going through problems and it stuck with me ever since. At 20 I met the woman who is now my wife, during our relationship together I cheated on her a few times, checked people out, and looked at the porn constantly. We are now married for 7 years. With in the last 7-8 months everything has come to light. My wife has been amazing through it all, putting up with the porn she found ( which was horrific to say the least) the admitting to what happened when I cheated on her, as well as my lying back and forth to her about what had happened in the past and what didn’t happen. I even made up the fact that I got a blow job from someone. When all of this came to light I put my wife through the worst possible, calling her fat, comparing her body to others, putting her tot he brink of suicide with how I made her feel. I know I’m making lighter of this than what really happened. But through all of this my wife stayed with me, and even though I have dropped the porn, drawn and real, dropped the following of instagram whores, dropped my and deleted my tumblr and every other porn collection I had woven into every part of any social media I came across,deleted dating profiles and a secret email, the biggest thing she said I needed to not do was to lie to her anymore. Last night we had gotten into a discussion, I’m not good about bringing up what happened in the past, but she deserves to know, and she needs to know so she can move forward. I lied about why I signed onto Ashley Madison. To be honest I don’t even remember signing on because I didn’t use it for anything. But I had one regardless. And I lied about why I had it instead of telling her I don’t know. Does anyone else have trouble being honest after all of this? I love my wife very deeply. And I want nothing more than to make her happy in life, we have 2 kids. I want to build our family into something that is happy, that is healthy. What do I do?