I really do, and I think at a very young age. I eat crazily unhealthy, I drink sodas with caffeine and aspartame, stay up excruciatingly late, and waking up late. I never exercised, I always feel depressed and lethargic. I am not terribly overweight, but I am overweight. I fap too much, I can't even get any decent pleasure from masturbating, and I still end up feeling like crap later. I felt suicidal at time, not that I would ever act on it.. but I feel so numb to the world, and my unhealthy behaviors will end up killing me anyway. I want to make a change, but quite ironically I am making this post at 4:30 in the morning. I was comtemplating my life, and I feel so disposable and useless and I ended up crying. I make my mother mad a lot, even though I know she loves me, and I am failing school. My mother is currently trying to help me, but she is doing all the work for me while I have the privilege to be a pig and be at the computer all day pretending I'm cool on the internet when I'm not. How pathetic of me. I honestly just want my life to be emotionally balanced and actually have a healthy lifestyle. And revealing this side makes me feel really vulnerable, and I'm embarrassed to even write and show this post. A few months ago, I was acting like an extreme weightlifting testosterone madhouse with shrining masculinity radiating from its meathead. I felt like I had to impress myself and others in the masculinity manners , but it made me very very depressed and uncomfortable. Masculinity is toxic, and I'm not ashamed to say that. A little masculinity is okay, but the outrageous high ideals of hypomasculinity is incredibly toxic for me. I felt like I was putting up a show, instead of being my true identity, and I ended up having people hating me of my show. I was afraid of being seen as feminine and being called a pussy, a faggot, or any other name out of the book. So I decided to bottle in my emotions, and acting macho and alpha. Asserting aggression, and carelessness instead of allowing in the sad emotions. And sad emotions can actually be very good for you. Boy, only if I knew 11 months ago.. I probably wouldn't be where I am right now. I'm grateful for something like NoFap exists, and their goal is trying to help men (and women) overcoming their addiction, and help people trying to become the best versions of myself. I know I am in a shell, and I'm aware of my issues but I know I won't magically, instantly break out of my shell. Not overnight either, it is a long process. I will try accomplishing this mission. I've been at this nofap mission for 6 months. I am always gonna come back up and try my best. Sorry for the long post, but I felt like I had to get this off my chest. And it is 5 am right now, so I should probably be hitting sleeping on the couch, since my little sister is sleeping in my bed. Goodnight or good morning?