I feel like I'm going to die.

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Loyal, Mar 30, 2016.

  1. Loyal

    Loyal Fapstronaut

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    I really do, and I think at a very young age. I eat crazily unhealthy, I drink sodas with caffeine and aspartame, stay up excruciatingly late, and waking up late. I never exercised, I always feel depressed and lethargic. I am not terribly overweight, but I am overweight. I fap too much, I can't even get any decent pleasure from masturbating, and I still end up feeling like crap later. I felt suicidal at time, not that I would ever act on it.. but I feel so numb to the world, and my unhealthy behaviors will end up killing me anyway. I want to make a change, but quite ironically I am making this post at 4:30 in the morning. I was comtemplating my life, and I feel so disposable and useless and I ended up crying. I make my mother mad a lot, even though I know she loves me, and I am failing school. My mother is currently trying to help me, but she is doing all the work for me while I have the privilege to be a pig and be at the computer all day pretending I'm cool on the internet when I'm not. How pathetic of me.

    I honestly just want my life to be emotionally balanced and actually have a healthy lifestyle.

    And revealing this side makes me feel really vulnerable, and I'm embarrassed to even write and show this post. A few months ago, I was acting like an extreme weightlifting testosterone madhouse with shrining masculinity radiating from its meathead. I felt like I had to impress myself and others in the masculinity manners , but it made me very very depressed and uncomfortable. Masculinity is toxic, and I'm not ashamed to say that. A little masculinity is okay, but the outrageous high ideals of hypomasculinity is incredibly toxic for me. I felt like I was putting up a show, instead of being my true identity, and I ended up having people hating me of my show.

    I was afraid of being seen as feminine and being called a pussy, a faggot, or any other name out of the book. So I decided to bottle in my emotions, and acting macho and alpha. Asserting aggression, and carelessness instead of allowing in the sad emotions. And sad emotions can actually be very good for you. Boy, only if I knew 11 months ago.. I probably wouldn't be where I am right now. I'm grateful for something like NoFap exists, and their goal is trying to help men (and women) overcoming their addiction, and help people trying to become the best versions of myself.

    I know I am in a shell, and I'm aware of my issues but I know I won't magically, instantly break out of my shell. Not overnight either, it is a long process. I will try accomplishing this mission. I've been at this nofap mission for 6 months. I am always gonna come back up and try my best.

    Sorry for the long post, but I felt like I had to get this off my chest. And it is 5 am right now, so I should probably be hitting sleeping on the couch, since my little sister is sleeping in my bed. Goodnight or good morning?
     
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  2. Boomer49

    Boomer49 Fapstronaut

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    I could easily be your grandfather and if I knew at 15 what I know now life would be so different. But, alas, life is not built that way and we all have to go through being a teen, blinking and wondering what happened.

    You seem to know all of your faults, everything that brings you down. It's easy to chastise yourself for your bad behavior as a justification for it. Too many teens take it beyond the limit and the family suffers the consequences.

    What I didn't hear in your narrative is what you really want, who you really are and why it might be important to you to find out. The process doesn't have to be a long one. Transformation can happen on a dime. Take some time to assess what it is that you want, what do you want to contribute in this life? Who do you want to impact?

    *B49*

    PS Go easy on your mom. I don't envy any parent of a teen. It is exasperating for you both. You have so much energy, so much (forgive the word) potential and parents know it. They (we) get frustrated when you don't realize it and you squander it. All we can do is provide early guidance and keep our fingers crossed.
     
  3. Going super saiyan

    Going super saiyan Fapstronaut

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    Masculinity is what it is, it's not toxic, the only thing that was toxic is your behaviour.

    Testosterone is not a bad thing, and can lead men to do great things, the only thing that makes anything toxic is you if you allow it to lead you to doing bad things. You need to develop self control and self respect.

    Do not blame anyone but yourself for your behaviour. Pussies blame society and everyone else for their failures. Taking responsibility for your own actions is the way forward, not blaming your genes, your testosterone or society.
     
  4. Boomer49

    Boomer49 Fapstronaut

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    @Going super saiyan, what you say is correct. But, what process should @Loyal undertake to become responsible. Just saying take responsibility it like telling a crazed bull to calm down. What actions will transform his behavior?
     
  5. Physicist

    Physicist Fapstronaut

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    You can change. First you need to take the responsibility to do so and then feed that decision DAILY.

    Cut the sodas, join a gym, and get off your laptop. Find a pen and notebook for some serenity. Do some basic exercise, just get some movement everyday. Start there in your situation. Your sleep will start to fall into place as well. If you want your mother to help you, than just give her your love and ask her to make you a good healthy meal. Don't have to be bland chicken and brown rice. But a good source of protein, complex carbs and some green leafy vegetables.

    Very few people understand responsibility. Lets help him by defining what it is.

    Responsibility: The willing to admit cause.

    First step is to realise it is only he that is causing this effect on himself.
     
  6. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

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    My kid has such unhealthy behaviour. She doesn't care. She eat all the ramen noodles and drink all the pop she can find, order all the junk food she can. She doesnt care. She spend her night texting, chatting, LOSING HER TIME doing jack nothing, living like a nocturnal animal. I know her potential, she just doesn't care. She's packing fat! She was my tiny little girl and now she is ruining her body. Her skin is whitish. She'll regret it later. She doesn't want to take anybodies advices... She is smart, has good marks at school and has a job. I don't give her much choice, because the potential is there. I want to make sure she knows there is REAL LIFE out there.

    Loyal, any positive masculine figure around? Dad, step Dad?
    Any girlfriend?

    Porn is an addiction, but the current generations are hooked on internet, social media, being "liked" on Facebook, instagram, "hot or not" whatever shit. Cyber accomplishments don't mean squat. Internet addiction causes damages too, not only porn! @Loyal, you are spending too much time in front of your computer, time you'll never get back.

    Going to the gym is not bad in itself. Overdoing it for the wrong reasons is not good.
    If you feel feminine and a pussy, what's wrong? Bullied by others?

    @Loyal You need to get out of the cocoon, get off the computer, put more time in your studies. You need to set goals to reach. You need to think about your future. Get a part time job. then think about what job you want to do for the rest of your life, try to find which career could be fulfilling to you.

    You mom knows that REAL LIFE is around the corner for you. She cares about you and wants you to develop life skills that will allow you to survive out there (find a job, KEEP a job, earn your living).
     
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2016
    ekoluomu and Golgo 13 like this.
  7. Boomer49

    Boomer49 Fapstronaut

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    I find the best way to get people to move is to have them define a motivation. What is going to move their spirit to move them? What inspires them, drives them. If they don't know it's time to do some deep dive soul searching. Each of us is having this bodily experience for a reason. What's yours?

    *B49*
     
  8. diamondboi

    diamondboi Banned

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    find some pussy. good cure for everyday activities including nofap.

    play, sleep, lick, stick.... lot's to do with it.
     
    Loyal and Golgo 13 like this.
  9. Andrew1989

    Andrew1989 Fapstronaut

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    Don`t think like that ! Masculinity isn`t toxic, it`s a behavoiur. If you feel like you`re putting on a show and forcing yourself to be masculine, than maybe that behaviour/attitude doesn`t suit you! Still that doesn`t mean to give up on manhood... Be yourself, and do what is natural for you !! Be proud and accept yourself of whom you are, don`t do things or behave in a certain way just to impress other.
    It depend on each person what thinks is "masculine/manly". I`ve been called a dork, dweeb, nerd, geek etc. just because my interests aren`t the stereotypical masculine ones, such as being a sport atheleete, hitting on girls, and being obsessed with muscles, insted i prefered to read a good book, and other intellectual preocupations. So i was what you call a beta-male :)
    First off, a real man doesn`t seek aproval from others ! Not from other men, not from women, not from society ! Your choices and decisions are strictly up to you. You don`t need to be a macho-alpha if you don`t want to.
    Second, those stereotypical traits of manhood are a bunch of bullshit ! I hate it when these alpha-males share meme-pictures with men fighting in WW2 or with cave-men hunting animals, with another picture of gay hipsters wearing skinny jeans, yapping that some of the men these days have lost their masculinity - that so they feel better about themselves. Throughout history men didn`t just go to wars, fought battles , and hunted, but have also had intellectual and artistic pursuits, which showed thier emotional side : like painting, writting poetry, making music, researching in medicine to cure illnesses etc. Think of Leonardo DaVinci, Albert Einstein , Beethoven ...
    Really, manliness isn`t just in the physical traits as what most people think ( muscles, facial hair, height, penis size etc. ), but in moral traits as well ( being trust-worthy, showing and receiving respect, intelligence, patience ... )

    It`s a good thing that you wanna change yourself but that takes time and dedication, as well as moral support ! Good luck !
     
    ekoluomu likes this.
  10. Loyal

    Loyal Fapstronaut

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    Oh no, I papm not going to completely give up masculinity, don't know where I said that in my posts. But I'm pretty much trying to erase the mentality of hyper masculinity. I think most of you guys didnt really understand what I meant, and the issue of hyper masculinity doesn't just effect me, it effects many other men as well. I

    I mean honestly, is it really a wonder why men are 83% of suicides are men? Not throwing speculations here or nothing, but I think hypomasculinity definitely plays a role in the absurdly high male dominated suicide rates..

    Many men are likely to deny their feelings, such as sadness, and depression. And putting on a mask pretending that you're happy when you're really not (well, the issue is not entirely about masculinity, because this can effect girls in the same way as well). But I've seen the issues of boys faking their happiness, not being sensitive or affectionate because guys fear that they will be ridiculed.

    Media poses a very high standard, outrageously high standard in order what it is to be masculine. You must have big arms, veins protruding, hairy chests, 6 packs, a job, a car, always carrying a bunch of money in the bank, etc.

    I know this isn't an excuse for me to just gently pass through life with a semi-decent living and not trying to be your most successful, and hell no!

    I'm just saying, I am going to be my own man and follow my emotions the way I want it in a healthy manner. I'm tired of hiding my emotions and conforming into the masculinity brigade.
     
    ekoluomu likes this.
  11. Andrew1989

    Andrew1989 Fapstronaut

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    Just do what`s right for you man, don`t do it for anybody else... that`s what i`m saying.
    It`s okay to have your OWN standards, not someone else`s!
     
  12. Thechosenone

    Thechosenone Fapstronaut

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    ONE WORD = HABITS. BUILD THEM

    Who do you want to become?
    What will it take?
    Why are you doing this?
    Where are you going to move around to, to break this cycle?
    How are you going to do this?
    Write it down!

    Want to get fit? - Change your diet, count your calories, do cardio everyday, lift weights 3x a week

    This can all be changed brother. Do something small everyday to get you closer. you MUST. It can be done.
     
  13. incredulo

    incredulo Fapstronaut

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    What a heartbreaking story you wrote. Wow! I am old and as I am turning back, looking back into my life looks somewhat like yours. It is not easy to live. We are so influenced by so much crap. sometimes we do not even know who we are. Sometimes we act one way and in a similar situation we act in a different manner. Take one day at the time. Get away from technology as much as you can. I even quit going to the gym because I get sexually aroused by looking a naked men. I am not gay yet I am attracted to nudity, big time. So I do not go to the movies nor watch TV. this way I can control my addiction to nudity.
     
  14. Loyal

    Loyal Fapstronaut

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    Yes! Thank you!

    Sorry to hear that, hopefully your journey will get along better in the future to being your best self.

    Yes, I plan on staying away from technology for the most as I can, specifically the computer. (I have a phone, and I actually am typing this on my phone).

    I will go out for walks and meditate in my backyard.
     
  15. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

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    I got a 6 pack. In the fridge.
     
  16. Loyal

    Loyal Fapstronaut

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    Please disregard this thread. I wrote this when I was really depressed, and was contemplating everything lol. Looking back at this makes me laugh.
     

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