I feel like I've reached a dead end

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Sleepingbadger, Apr 2, 2021.

  1. Sleepingbadger

    Sleepingbadger Fapstronaut

    Hi. It's my first time here in a year and I'd like to share with you all how I currently feel about my life and porn addiction.

    I feel like I've reached a dead end with my life and there's no way out. I'm soon 21 years old and I've wasted my whole youth on porn. I've been feeling bad about it for almost nine years now and been trying to quit for six years with no luck. Otherwise I would just give up on quitting at this point but I just can't accept myself like this. Sometimes I feel like I would be better of dead than keep living like this for years to come.

    I hate the degree my life is affected by my porn use. Most of the time for years I've been unhappy, depressed and feeling like I'm not worth interacting with. I'm in a good uni, I don't struggle financially and I have a lot of friends and a loving family. Still I can't feel happy about my life, in fact I hate it.

    Every time I use porn I get paralyzed for the rest of the day. It's like I feel It's pointless to do anything enjoyable or anything worthwhile since I already ruined the day. This is because after a relapse I feel nothing for the rest of the day. Try to play guitar? It sounds bland. Try to watch a good tv drama? Can't feel any emotion. Try to study for an exam? I don't seem learn anything and constantly find myself losing focus.

    I've been thinking if all of this is in my head. If I've made porn addiction such a big thing in my head and that's why it affects my life so greatly. I've also been thinking if I keep relapsing because I can't stop thinking about porn addiction and ways to quit it. Would it be easier to quit if I didn't think about quitting and my addiction every day?

    During the years of trying to quit my reason to quit has changed and now I feel like I have no particular reason to quit porn. It's like I want to quit porn but I don't know why. I just think I would feel better if I didn't use porn. My first reason to quit was christianity. I've grown in a christian family and watching porn and masturbating was most definitely a sin. Later my reason to quit shifted more to towards wanting to be less socially awkward, feel easier being around women and essentially get a girlfriend. Now however I don't really feel like I have any particular reason to quit.

    Most of my life I've been a christian and that has given me some hope during the years. Nowadays I just feel like I'm drifting away from my religion and all I can feel is that I'm a bad person who enjoys bad things and has no intention to quit them. Because I'm not willing to quit I feel like I'm not worth any forgiveness. Nowadays I enjoy heavy metal, play violent video games, watch violent tv and masturbate to porn. I don't feel like a christian should be doing or enjoying such things. I'm willing to quit porn but I don't really know about the others. I don't even know If I'm trying to be a christian anymore. Religion before gave me hope but now it's mostly a source of more depression.

    I feel like I'm kind of lost with my life in general and that I've lost the sight of myself. I wanted to fall in love and have a family but I don't feel like I could ever achieve that. I keep dragging through life as a person I don't want to be like but I can't find any reason or strenght to change myself. I don't think that there's a lot of great things waiting for me in the future. All I can see is that I'll finish my studies and get a job. Then I'll just work for money to pay my bills until I retire and that's it.

    However, what terrifies me the most is that when I'm lying alone in a nursing home at old age reflecting back at my life, there's nothing there. I'm afraid of feeling that my whole life was in vein. This is why I cannot accept myself as I am now.

    I do realize that this might sound overdramatic and all, but I just needed to let it out. Thanks.
  2. MHero

    MHero Fapstronaut

    Very inspiring, I tried the same strategy before, but it didn't work.

    Seems like a good strategy, good luck ;)
  3. MHero

    MHero Fapstronaut

    I feel the same, kind of sadness and depression when I relapse. It's like an infinite loop. You have to reflect on previous experiences and learn from them. Take those relapse as a lesson and don't beat up yourself. Take care of yourself too. You have to love yourself so others can love you.
    Once I reached a state of mind when I was concentrated on my life, I completely forgot porn, that was the only period of time where I reached a long streak. Since then I couldn't repeat it... What I want to say is find something interesting and concentrate on it. Also, the urges won't go if you keep fantasizing, you have to redirect your thinking toward something else...
    Good luck ;)
    Sleepingbadger likes this.
  4. Hi!
    This sound exactly like depression. You may not be aware of it. I suffered depression for 15 years in life and pattern of your thinking is obvious so if no one told you, I'm telling you that you should seek professional help until your situation will get worse. You are already drowning.

    Have you seek professional help ? Are you trying to cope with addiction alone ? Addict have no free will by definition and is slave to addiction. It is possible that you are in loop of failure because you are trying quitting on your own which obviously doesn't work. I sense that this situation is a call to arm to seek help outside. One guy once wrote that definition of madness is doing the same things in repetition and expecting different outcomes.

    Dead end of life is really just the beginning of something greater. Hitting the rock bottom, the gutter of life oftentimes have hidden treauses because this is how development of healthy psyche sometimes happen. You are at the threshold. Suffering is not the meaning and purpose of life, its only part of life.

    I would ask you to PM me, I can talk with you to seek possible solutions. Two pairs of eyes makes better observations than one pair of eyes :)

    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 3, 2021
  5. Sleepingbadger

    Sleepingbadger Fapstronaut

    Hello! Thanks for your reply.

    I've been feeling mostly down for the last few years, but there have been some good times too so I haven't sought help so far. I don't feel really comfortable talking about my addiction with someone in person so that's why I've been quitting alone. I feel really ashamed about this addiction and I think I couldn't get a word out of myself if I tried to talk it out with a professional.

    Sometimes I've been thinking about telling someone, but it seems like my friends and peers just feel that PMO is normal thing to do and that quitting would be pointless.

    Being around people helps me keep my thoughts off PMO but now because of the pandemic I rarely meet anyone and mostly just sit alone in my flat. It was a lot easier to keep off PMO when I met someone every day while attending lectures. Also, for the last nine months I served in the finnish defence forces and managed to keep off PMO almost the whole time. It was some of the best times of my life. However, right away after I retired and returned to my apartment and studies, I relapsed and it's been getting worse ever since.

    Sometimes I've been feeling that I can keep off PMO everywhere else, but right away when I return to my apartment I can't do it anymore. It's like if my brain has made a connection between my apartment and PMO. Sometimes this addiction affects my life to the point that I don't feel motivated to do anything. Some days I just lay on the floor and don't feel like eating, sleeping or studying.

    I feel like the most helpful thing for me would be to spend more time around other people since that usually makes me happy. However the pandemic made that incredibly hard since I don't physically attend lectures anymore and I'm not so close with anyone here that I could just visit them or ask them to come over. Most of my close friends from high school live hundreds of miles away since I moved away to study. Now that I rarely meet people and spend all my time alone in my small apartment there's way too much time to think about things.

    Even though it feels uncomfortable, I've been thinking about getting professional help. My way of life certainly isn't a healthy one since I'm struggling to do the most basic things and constantly feel down and get lost to my negative thoughts.
    MeTP likes this.
  6. Randy Andy

    Randy Andy Fapstronaut

    I really love the op, I relate at depth as in "I'm reading a diary I hadn't written yet' kind of way. I was only 20% suicidal when it came to actually wanting to end my life but 80+% when it came to wanting my old way of life to end :)
    These things are the natural progression of real sex addiction, this is all normal for a sec addict. It describes beautifully my feelings over years of active addiction.

    Would it be easier to quit if I didn't think about quitting and my addiction every day?
    Highly doubtful. My experience is that got me a few days at best, definitely tried that tactic it is not a winning strategy in my experience. In fact today there is nothing more important to me than staying sober not even my family. Because if I act out again I will eventually lose my family and it won't be immediately it'll be after a year or a decade of slipping and each time slipping a little further, that's what was happening before I just never paid any attention.

    I also relate to the whole religion dynamic, of you ever saw the original matrix movie, "it seems you've been living two lives. In one love you are a programmer at a respectable software company. You pay your taxes. You even help your landlady take out her garbage. The other life is lived in computers where you" look at pornography you don't want to see but still do for hours. I was in a religion and had that compartmentalization, that feeling of being a hypocrite. I listened to rock music that specifically carried a message opposite to most religions as a firm of rebelliousness and thought nothing of it. Still don't but the point is the disconnect, now I don't listen because it isn't happy rather than before it was all about judgmentalism. Turns out the things I am judgmental against I feel more and more attracted to, I create a gravitas by thinking how bad they are. That certainly happened with the porn, more and more I slid towards what was degrading and then that wouldn't be enough so I would move down to something i considered worse and had no idea I was actively seeking what I also disliked I just thought I was a bad person and getting worse all the time :)
    I had that feeling of "how can I be sure active and sincere in my religion and do x y and now z" that's what's addiction does to us, we've all been there in one sense or another, with or without religion. Party of my unconscious apostasy was that I had no idea I was really using religion as a tool to try to make myself the good right person rather than actually practicing the religions principles and let go of my ideas and desires and identities. It was just another party of my self improvement project which sided my subriety about the principles under the the more superficial parts of that religion. The higher level aspects are there to be pointers to the deeper practices but I was so caught up in the double or triple life that I had no cognitive capacity for that, I was just pissed of that the religion want doing any of what I wanted it to do: wasn't getting me ahead socially nor fixing my acting out nor making me feel good. All selfish pursuits; doesn't matter what we pursue, religion or anything else, with selfishness as the motive we will never be satisfied. And I got very disillusioned, because this all seemed to be the religions fault. Thankfully I don't have to worry about any of that any more, no double life no self improvement project and no acting out, plus a real reliance on things higher than myself. Cuts the gordian knot.
    Sleepingbadger and MeTP like this.
  7. Here are my two cents mate :) :
    Exactly, they are probably kind of hardwired.
    You are not the only one to experience this difficult feelings. Guilt and shame is usual in people with addiction, you are not the only one addict that have this kind of addiction-distorted view and professionals are ready for the problems, views and feelings that you already have - because they are professionals, trained to help people with situation like you.
    I see that pandemic isolation uncovered something to heal in yourself, otherwise other people and circle of friends will be used as a form of cover up or running away from problems. You can see now more sharply problem that is asking for your attention and solution.

    Be wise man, you are already doing good but sometimes helping hand can help us tremendously. All you have is to go beyond your own anxiety and viewpoints on receiving help.
    Are you able to ask for help or you never ever were taught to ask for help ?
    You are not the only one with this kind of problems.
    Be brave, self-responsible and choose wisely.

    Good luck ! :)
    Sleepingbadger likes this.

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