I feel like relapsing after 124 days...

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Squeaky Soul, Jun 29, 2014.

  1. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Hello Fellow Fapstronauts,

    I kind of know why I feel like this. I have neglected cold showers, I haven't been as active on this forum like I used to, and I have been angry and stressed.

    Let me break it down...

    I haven't been taking cold showers because recently I got a few injuries, and hot showers would be soothing. I have already noticed different things about my body since I haven't been taking them.. Urges linger, urges are stronger, and my face is getting bumpy and very greasy again.

    I haven't been active on this forum for good reason. I am in a very active Boy Scout group... I was also elected to Senior Patrol Leader, which is the highest rank in a troop besides the Scoutmaster. This position in the troop is very busy. It requires a lot of planning, leadership, knowledge for the outdoors and meetings, and aggression to lazy scouts, haha.

    Being slightly stressed is intertwined with the boy scout troop. It being so active, I am always expecting the unexpected when my Scoutmaster plans things on short notice. Last night, I got something that I call Rage Boner... Hahahaha! Basically, I was so upset and hot-headed because my computer wasn't working, that I got so horny and felt like watching porn. Has anyone else experienced this?

    Writing this post makes me feel better, so I am glad I did this. Does anyone have advice for me?

    Thanks for reading,

    ~Squeaky Soul
     
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2014
  2. FinallyFree

    FinallyFree Fapstronaut

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    I know that feeling all too well. My advice would be to literally remove your physical presence from the situation. Understand and tell yourself out loud why and how you made it to 124 days in the first place (Very inspiring btw, keep it up!)

    Fight through, you can do this. Pornography will only make things worse
     
  3. Yeah, just like FinallyFree said,

    Don't do it man. You're going to feel terrible afterwards. Don't sacrifice 124 days of really hard work just for a few seconds of pleasure. If you want to be done with PMO forever, then you have to make that decision everyday. You're allowing your body to be a slave to images on a screen, things that are not even real.

    Come on dude, you know better. You've not done 124 days for nothing. Please continue.
     
  4. c-l-a-s-h

    c-l-a-s-h Fapstronaut

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    Although urges are obviously less now that in such a long-lasting streak, they're still there. The way I get through them is I look at my life, now and back when I used to PMO. I usually realize that my life is way better than it was. I don't know your situation, I hope it's the same case. Anyway, I kind of see it not as, "My life is good now, I got everything in order I can go back to PMO." but more like, "Why fuck with a good thing?"

    Hope this helps you.
     
  5. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    I think my problem here is mainly how I have forgotten what the guilt felt like. I think posting this thread helped me. Thanks guys. I haven't been able to see or talk to my old friends in a while either

    BTW, congratulations on the 140+ days!

    ~Squeaky Soul
     
  6. coolmike87

    coolmike87 Fapstronaut

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    I am in recovery for alcohol. There is a lot of criticism for AA, but it is without a doubt the best at fighting hopeless addiction hence why the courts send people to it and in rehab why they stress the importance of meetings and whatnot.

    Anyways. Something I have learned from AA and about addiction is that you will battle this for your whole life. There are drunks who relapse after 18 years. Maybe because they retired and the kids are moved out... And they die. No exaggeration. They are alcoholics. Its the first step to admit that they have a problem with drinking and that they no they cannot even take the first drink.
    I have more than one post on here from people who claimed to have stopped for 10 years before they caved in and developed the addiction again and found there way back to this sight. My only criticism of this site is the very low reset dates and the low number of long term abstinence.
    If you are serious about noFAP you have to accept that you can never fap again and believe that if you do you will go back to feeling the same way you did before you got here.
    You have to plan on being committed to this site for life. Not just for yourself but to also help others and inspire others that you really can go your whole life without fapping.
    Think of yourself as a noFAP pioneer.
     
  7. Good words.

    Same thing I've been trying to say as well.

    You either want to do this forever or you don't. No excuses.

    I know that the urges can be really intense, but a decision needs to be made once and for all.
     
  8. MockNot

    MockNot Fapstronaut

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    Title to this thread is an attention grabber. Wish I read this before posting my last post about anger and PMO.

    Basically odds are I give in to anger more easily than you do. So I doubt I have useful tips for someone like you.

    I'm often told I'm impatient or easily angered. Maybe it's genetic but I dislike it.

    I'd much rather be clear-headed and more of a peacemaker.
     
  9. MelancholyWeightlifter

    MelancholyWeightlifter Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    God...this is going to last forever isn't it? Somehow I think I fooled myself into believing someday maybe I'd get a break, that my body would just stop caring. "The price of freedom is ETERNAL vigilance". I suppose this holds true.
     
  10. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Thanks MockNot, I appreciate the post. I am still having a rough day, but that is because I was working very hard, then I had a lot of free time on my hands. My unmentionables have also been sensitive, but that's just nature...

    Melancholy Weightlifter! Good to see you back. It will end eventually, but me being 16 years old, my hormones and sex drive is probably a lot more hyper. I am just guessing, but what do you think?

    (I don't know if this is TMI) I was talking to my friend on the phone about a half hour ago, and I caught myself playing with my balls. I felt guilty for a second, but then I realized I wasn't hard, I didn't even have a half mast erection, and I wasn't even fantasizing. I still had this little voice in my head saying, "Just PMO one last time." Thank God I didn't give in.

    Cold showers tonight, boys,

    ~Squeaky Soul
     
  11. LegoT

    LegoT Fapstronaut

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    I felt the same way a few days ago. I was dangerously close but reminded myself of how far I've come. You mentioned not remembering what the guilt feels like which is a very astute observation. I had never really considered that but it's a good thing to keep in mind. Congrats on 125 days!
     
  12. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Thanks LegoT! Yup, I feel slightly worried about how I have had some close calls within the past few weeks. It's all good, but I think now that we're better, we're noticing all the little things.

    I heard an analogy once from a young catholic man in a documentary about modesty. It went something like this...

    When you are a holy man, you are on top of the mountain. When you become unholy, you fall to the bottom. You only notice the big boulders you crash into as you roll and crash into things on your descent down the mountain. You are falling, rolling and crashing into things so fast that you hardly notice the little things. When you finally notice where you are, you make your ascent to the top of the mountain. Only then, will you notice all the little things that will cause you suffering on your journey to holiness.

    For example, without pornography, I notice how all the little things that tempt me or give me an erection... Holding hands, dancing, et cetera. I notice how careful I have to be around females. I am not complaining, I love a challenge :)

    Thanks for the support, guys. Keep it coming, hahaha :)

    ~Squeaky Soul
     
  13. IGY

    IGY Guest

    I have to say I find this thread deeply discouraging. Were we not promised a 90 day reboot? Even my best streak ever is not quite half way to that. Now I find that that it is nor so much a reboot as an amnesia of muscle memory. So, one can get out of the habit, but the underlying urge to satisfy oneself sexually is always there. So, I could labour to complete the challenge, only to find that a few weeks later that old familiar yearning to watch, stroke and cum all over again. What an utterly depressing start to my day. Thanks guys! :mad:
     
  14. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Everybody is different. I was feeling great until I found myself in a stressful environment. I was also on my own. The only family member that talks to me went out of town... I was stuck with all the family members that are totally fine with being by themselves all day doing absolutely nothing. It was really quiet, I haven't seen my friends in months, and my recent responsibilities have been stressing me out.

    Feel a little better IGY? Sorry for making you sad, but I am better all ready.

    Your Fellow Fapstronaut,

    ~Squeaky Soul
     
  15. IGY

    IGY Guest

    No, not really. Just a bit like, what's the point :/
     
  16. mustynasty

    mustynasty Fapstronaut

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    Squeaky Soul, I hope you're coping better as you mentioned. If not then you put it very succinctly in your original post - you know why you're struggling, you know exactly what aspects of you personal life have changed and you therefore know what needs to be fixed. Knowing and doing are two very different things, I often find that I feel great with myself for realising a problem and how to fix it only to go on and make that same mistake because I thought knowing was enough (I suspect similarly to this phenomenon outlined in this 3minute TED Talk Excerpt).

    To shamelessly quote Batman Begins "It's not who I am underneath, but what I DO that defines me.", or for the more refined Fapstronaut Jayne Austen (a classic example of a porn addict if ever I saw one) writes that “It isn't what we say or think that defines us, but what we do.”
     
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2014
  17. Zyzz's Witnesses

    Zyzz's Witnesses Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Soul you motivated me and my AP to start cold showers, day 1 cold shower CHECK ;)
     
  18. My sexual urges are ten times more than they are now, as opposed to when I was 16. I'm 25 now and they've never been more intense. 25 is apparently when you are at your sexual prime. It's supposed to be more intense than your teen years.
     
  19. Squeaky Soul

    Squeaky Soul Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the posts guys. I am feeling a lot better today.

    IGY, I already was rebooted, but the combination of no cold showers, stress, and anger made me hyper sexual for less than 24 hours. I feel normal now :)

    Reboot will come, you guys just need to be patient.

    ~Squeaky Soul
     
  20. MelancholyWeightlifter

    MelancholyWeightlifter Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    I think the key here is to stay realistic. It seems that the reboot is mental and hormonal. However, the raw physical urges never really go away. Unfortunately that's just a part of human life I think. There really is no way to eliminate one's sexuality that isn't harmful to your health(chemical/physical castration). That being said, I think once you're rebooted the urges are probably cut in half, so definitely still worth it.
     

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