I feel powerless, but I can't give up.

Nice to meet you everyone,

So I have been struggling with this addiction since right before my 13th birthday. And I am so tired of this. I have been fapping for the past 10+ years now since then. And the longest break I've ever gone without doing it was 3 months. That was 5 years ago. Best streak since was 28 days, 2 years ago. And last year my best streak was 11 days. I can't even make it to 5 consecutive days this year.

I really hate this. I feel so ashamed every single time I fap. And for many years the shame really affected me. I remember going to class the next day just feeling guilty, because religion always made me think this was a sin. Eventually I realized this was completely normal and everyone does it (Plus I stopped being religious and became agnostic). But the shame still lingers, especially since its clearly an addiction at this point.

Only reason I managed to make it to 3 months was because I had a pretty terrible time in highschool so I suddenly took this last stand approach during my final months in it, and even made a promise to God to never fap again. And I accomplished so much during this time...but that didn't last.

I feel so defeated by this...so freaking powerless. Like if I was in a videogame, then I would be some random NPC that can't even beat a porn addiction all while the actual Chosen One deals with cool shit.

Every time I tell myself that this is the last time for sure. But it never is.

Honestly, I am okay with fapping. I just want control over it. If only I just fapped once every two weeks at most, then that would be great. But I am far away from having that kind of Self-Discipline.

Right now I keep track of my fapping and it does help. I have this habit tracker and I created a habit called "Willpower" which I use to track the days I don't fap. In Feb I had 7 Willpower days, March it was 11, April it was 13, and in May it was 14. So there is progress. This month I have had 7 Willpower days so far. So my goal this month would be to have more willpower days than fap days. Then I would like to reach 20 Willpower days, then 30, etc. And hopefully eventually surpass my 3 month record.

So yeah, this was very hard to admit since I have never told anyone about this addiction before. But I really want to change. To be a better more disciplined person. So thank you all for listening and I hope we can help each other out and become more disciplined people together.