I had a bad experience last night. My 2 year old daughter was having problems sleeping and I couldn't get back to sleep after comforting her. I started browsing a dating app called Pure which for those who don't know it is very anonymous and designed for meeting sexual partners without leaving a trace on social media etc. All interactions auto erase after one hour. I had been looking at the app for about a week and all the women using the app at the same time as me were normally hundreds of miles away. Last night at 4 in the morning I opened up the app and there was a girl in my area looking to meet someone. We started chatting via the app and she told me she was looking for sex that night. I told her that I couldn't as I have two children and a partner. She then became angry and told me that I was an asshole for going on the site. She said I was a disgusting human being and that I didn't deserve to have a partner or my children. Her words obviously hurt so here I am tonight on the forum. I think that I am profoundly sexually dysfunctional in ways that go beyond porn but I also think that porn is an integral part of failing myself. I was first introduced to porn on my older brothers computer. It wasn't high speed internet porn but an Amiga strip poker game in the 80s. The pictures were highly pixelated but I remember being fascinated even as a young child. Next came magazines found in woods and I even stole them from the newsagents where I used to work whilst still at school. My dad bought an apple mac around 96 and that was the first time I used the internet to download porn. It would take about 5 min to get a single picture but by that time I had reached sexual maturity and would masturbate whilst watching a nipple or vagina slowly appear line by line as the data filtered along a copper wire HTML connection. At university I started my own private porn magazine collection and much to my horror it was discovered by my friends as I packed my dorm room up to move to a house near the campus. From that moment on there was a running joke about my "shoe box of shame". Another facet of my sexual dysfunction also began at university when a group of us visited Amsterdam. We walked the red light district at night and laughed at the pathetic men going to see the prostitutes. Privately however I was extremely aroused by the sight of all the scantily clad women offering to fuck men for money. I was so aroused that I couldn't sleep during the whole weekend and the last morning I got up at 6am and went to the red light district whilst my friends slept. It was almost deserted of course but it was there that I first paid for sex. Although different I think that porn and prostitutes share the attraction of choice and power. You decide who and when and on what terms. With the advent of high speed internet my prostitute and porn addiction has scaled up massively. My PMO cycle typically revolves around looking at ads that prostitutes post on a forum that reviews and serves as a medium of communication for sex workers. I will fantasise about some of them and sometimes call them to ask about prices etc. I then go and look at porn, masturbate and orgasm. Sometimes I become fixated on a particular prostitute and go and pay for sex. This may happen once every six months. My sexual encounters are rarely satisfying and fill me with shame lasting for weeks until the habits creep in again. I have a beautiful partner but we don't have sex very often. We have had a series of difficult years beginning with the death of her father, then she had a fibroid cyst removed, then she got pregnant with our first child, then the second and since then she finds initial penetration difficult. We do have sex sometimes but it often results in premature ejaculation on my part and little to no sexual gratification on hers. Over the past year or so I have become obsessed with the idea that she is the problem in our relationship and that we don't have sex enough so that justifies me whacking off to porn and seeing prostitutes but deep down I know that there is no excuse and that the reason we don't have a great sex life is most probably about me being the one with hang ups. I am a teacher so I am summer break at the moment and I have lots of free time looking after my kids aged 4 and 2. I spend long periods of the day browsing hooker ads on my phone whilst my kids watch tv three feet away. Instead of doing important prep work for next years classes I waste time stimulating myself on the internet. I do not want to be this person. I don't want to my kids to have to realise that their dad is looking at sexy stuff on his phone in their presence. I don't want my wife to question why I'm going to the bathroom with my phone several times a day. I don't want to ruin my family by getting caught on dumb dating apps or worse contracting a STD and passing it to my partner through sleeping with prostitutes. If you've reached this point then well done, I've probably overstepped the mark for an introduction. I would love to have some support on what will be one of many failed attempts to try to fix the part of myself I most hate.
Bro do read this, It got me through some strong urges. http://husbandhelphaven.com/porn-addiction-withdrawal-walkthrough/ All the very best!!
Congrats for coming here It is a great journey It can change your life May i ask question. Do you want to stop P or to stop feeling the shame? Shame can be beneficial it can help motivate you Self bashing is not it tends to make us want to escape Being a father and a husbandis very difficult Nevertheless i believe a healthy long term relationship is possible. It starts here It starts with us where we are. Disclosing to our SO can be very helpful in the long run because they are often are best AP but everything in its time. What is your plan ? What are you going to implement to stay solid in the midst of urges? I wish you success Stay strong we do this together
Thanks for sharing. You definitely did not overstep the bounds of an introduction–your story is heartfelt and fully heard. I understand the shame involved in what you have shared. This is definitely the right place to be. Good luck on your journey, and make sure to utilize everything this website and community have to offer.
Greetings Vonplatz! First of all, congratulations for taking your very first step! It is a great thing that you wish to change. It seems to me that you have a great family and you love them, let that fact help you fuel your wish to stop this prostitute ads - pmo cycle. It will not be an easy road but don't forget, the community is here for you! Good luck!
It was brave sharing this. Good luck and I hope you achieve what you want for your sake and your families
Hello @Vonplatz and thanks for sharing your story, it was heartfelt and insightful. You have a lot to be grateful for 2 children and a partner and that should always be the source of your inspiration to improve yourself. Its seems that your intimacy problems with your partner are pointing you in a direction away from your family into dangerous unhealthy behaviors. My ex, had fibroid tumors among other issues and we had many intimacy issues which led me to become asexual and to the breakdown of our marriage. There were other factors on my part which led me here but not important to this story. Some of the guilt and shame you carry with you from your behavior in the past seems like behaviors most of us might have experienced growing up looking at porn and pmo, but continuing the behavior into a relationship or marriage is where it really becomes a recipe for disaster and a lot of hurt feelings. I suggest you have a long serious talk with your partner about what you are feeling about your intimacy together and your behaviors as a symptom of your current situation and maybe that dialogue can yield some positive changes. Maybe not but at least you can take the guilt and shame off the table. You should take some time and learn about porn addiction and pmo on this site, it may give you some idea as to how to improve your behavior and how to discuss this with your partner. The more time you accumulate not engaging in pmo the more your self esteem will return and you'll be able to think more clearly so consider beginning a 90 day reboot before even starting the discussion. By all means keep writing in a journal on here because you seem to be able to communicate well your thoughts and feelings and that will help you to mine the answers you need for progress. Others will read your posts and share their similar struggles and insights they may have and this will help you too. Spending time on nofap is also time you wont be looking at pro ads or porn... and by reading about other peoples struggles and sharing your insights you might help someone else. I wish you luck on this journey, and im glad you took the first steps to get here, a better life is waiting for you...