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I feel unwanted

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by spiderboy, Aug 5, 2016.

  1. spiderboy

    spiderboy Fapstronaut

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    Hello

    I'm a 22 year old virgin boy. I've had 2 girlfriends in the past. I don't really have a social life. I have never been very outgoing (not by choice) and I think that is because I have never felt wanted by others as a friend and I really don't know why. I don't go to clubs, I don't drink and I don't smoke, but I'm friendly, smart, funny, caring, respectful, and I always have the feeling that people feel good around me because they laugh at my jokes and have interesting conversations with me (especially girls). I have a thin body, but not bad looking. I consider myself a very good potential partner. But on the contrary, I am never being asked to join people anywhere to do something and I'm always left out of many of the fun things people do. I don't have good social experience or skills, and I have strong anxiety sometimes, but these don't affect the way I behave so much, because lately I can control it.

    I just noticed that people like to hang out with other people who don't respect them so much and sometimes hurt them too. I respect people, try to make them feel good, and always try not to hurt them anyways, but I always end up being left out.

    I just miss the small fun activities people usually have like watching a movie with friends, cooking together, playing a board game, going on a trip, etc., activities which I would love to do, but not by myself.

    I tried it the other way. Instead of waiting to be invited somewhere, I invited people to do things. But I was mostly refused being given various reasons, or I could clearly see that the person had no interest in doing something with me. I invited a few ex-classmates to my home a few times, whom I've been good friends with, but they keep making stupid jokes about me and always make me feel uncomfortable.

    So what do you think the problem is? I'm not going to give up. I'll keep trying to make friends and talk to more and more people, but I just can't figure it out why am I in this situation, really. I want to have a girlfriend very much, but in order to do that I think that I first have to make good friends.

    I would like to hear both girls' and boys' opinions!

    Thank you,
    Spiderboy
     
  2. 2 things
    1. stop looking at porn
    2. stop masturbating
     
  3. Helplessnomore

    Helplessnomore Fapstronaut

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    I agree, M creates a negative loop of things in your mind, which makes you hate yourself/not like yourself. If you don't like yourself, it means you don't want to be you. If you don't want to be with you, then no one else will.
     
  4. spiderboy

    spiderboy Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your answers. Do you really think P and M are the ONLY reasons for everything? Even for the fact that I'm in a period when I simply don't know what to do further in my life?
     
  5. I was not being literal. that is more likely your answer, you don't know what you want to do with your life. you got to be on a mission.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 7, 2016
  6. you seem more mature then people your age. that could be a factor!!!!!!
     
  7. tkrugerus

    tkrugerus Fapstronaut

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    Man, when I was 22, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I'm 25 and I'm still not sure. That's okay though! I think that people who are in their early to mid 20's and have their life planned out are few and far between. Now is the time to explore the world around you for your own benefit. Forget about doing things with other people, what do you want to do with your time when you're alone? Because you can't be around others constantly. It's what you do with your free time, when you pursue interests and hobbies, that is a big part of defining yourself as a person.

    It just makes me think of a song by the Flaming Lips called "When Yer 22". It pretty accurately sums up what its like to be in your early 20's; how nothing really makes sense, you're trying to figure out how to do basic things, take care of yourself, and pursue your dreams all at the same time. I would post a link, but I'm not sure if that's allowed or not.
     
    solsticeboy, obsolete_23 and Unas like this.
  8. that makes sense.
     
  9. Sojourner7777

    Sojourner7777 Fapstronaut

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    On a practical note, have you considered taking up a sport or hobby that entails joining a club?
     
  10. Well it is hard to say why you are often left out from social activities and why you rarely get invited to join others without knowing you. I think we can't give you an answer and blaming everything on porn and masturbation is a bit of an oversimplification.

    Have you ever told someone about your feelings regarding this topic? Can you ask someone you know what the problem might be?

    Often it also creates a more meaningful relationship, if you open up towards others.
     
    SuperLulox and Strivefwd like this.
  11. spiderboy

    spiderboy Fapstronaut

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    Yes. I have been playing music fro 14 years now and I've played with different bands. But it's the same thing: We have a good time at rehearsals and after that I'm not really needed for anything)

    You are right. Blaming everything on P and M isn't the right thing to do. I'm absolutely sure about the fact that I'm responsible for this situation, although I don't know why. Maybe it's because of the fact that I don't like partying in clubs, drinking, smoking and because of that I'm seen as childish or immature. I haven't asked people of my age about this, because I believed it would seem a very bad way of making trying to make myself invited somewhere by them. I talked with my parents only, but they don't have any idea why this is happening. I'm friendly, respectful, fun, funny, I make a lot of jokes, I know things, I like adventure, I play music, etc. so I have many attractive things people usually enjoy. But lately I've been asking myself how many of the people are honest about what they like, and how many of them live in a lie only to get some things they want. And I've been noticing that a lot of people are fake. I'm trying not to be. If I like something than I like it. If I don't then I don't. Are there really so few people who think the way I do?
     
  12. Princess Anna

    Princess Anna Fapstronaut

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    Aww, that sucks :/

    Maybe get involved in some sort of humanitarian organisation? Or some sort of common religious congregation you feel inspired to be a part of?
    As far as your other "friends"/"frenemies"/"people you happen to be around sometimes but are really just mocking you" try not to let it get to you. And try to be comfortable and enjoy being by yourself. I'm just saying this because you need to teach others that your friendship is a privilege and that you're not desperate. Once people realise that you're a really cool guy who couldn't care less what they think, they'll probably be more keen to spend time with you. Sounds silly doesn't it? But it may not be so silly in this case.

    Also, try asking your parents if you have any blindspots. These could be things that you do that may drive other people away without you realising.

    And lastly, if you suspect that your solitude may have something to do with your higher moral standards (you might be right as your mere presence may make others feel guilty if they know what you believe) then there isn't much you can do other than maintain an integrity to how you feel about engaging in such actions while still being clear that you dislike the actions not the people. Again, once you find people who share your views on life like in a religious group for example you'll have a much easier time making friends.
     
  13. spiderboy

    spiderboy Fapstronaut

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    First of all, thank you for helping me. It means a lot to have different opinions. And now my reply to what you wrote:


    I'm actually very comfortable with myself and with being by myself. I got used to it in the past years.
    I do beliebe that my friendship is a privilege. I would like to have myself as a friend. At least I think so (haha). But how do you think people would be more attracted to me if I show them that I don't care what they think about me? I know what you mean, but maybe it works only for relationships when someone is already into you.

    My parents don't think I have any blind spots. But I know annoying people who have many friends and are wanted to hang out with.

    I also drink sometimes with people (but not excessively) so I'm not against it. I just don't like it when people only want to get drunk. But I never showed disrespect about that. I spent time with people who were smoking in front of me, even getting high. Although I never did those things, I laughed with them and behaved normally.

    So I don't know what the problem is. I can feel it that I'm always being seen as childish, although I have a more mature and more logical thinking than the rest of the people I know.

    I took part in religious trips with the church, but most of the people there were those who liked getting drunk, doing stupid things, smoking, cursing etc. They were rude, and many of them had bad personalities while playing the good lad role. Unbelievable but true.

    So still no solution for my problem :D
     
  14. Sunshadow

    Sunshadow Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Dude, I totally feel you. I have been like that for as long as I can remember. People say that they like hanging out with me, and that I'm a nice guy, but I'm always the third wheel, the afterthought.
    There are probably three or four different groups of people that I count myself a part of. And in all of them, I'm still an outsider. It's not easy, and it hurts when I'm in a bad mood.
    But if you're OK with who you are, then just hang in there! Sometimes it takes a rough spot for people to figure out who they actually want as friends. Sometimes it just takes forever. I've got, like, three close friends that will actually think about me, and invite me. And even then, my brother is often their first thought, and I come second. It's just life, when you've get a quieter, more laidback personality.
    Just my thoughts, and I think you're a lot like me. PM me if you want to chat about it more. I'm always looking for new friends to talk to. :p
     
  15. Hey man,
    Maybe it's because you are really awkard without you knowing it. You must be the guy who wants to do nothing wrong and smiles all the time.
    You have to grow confidence and really don't pmo.
    WY?

    Because of pmo you will be acting different, more awkard. Try to gain as much selfconfidence (without being arrogant ofc.)
     
  16. spiderboy

    spiderboy Fapstronaut

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    I understand what you are saying, but isn't this some kind of a forced friendship? In a real friendship, one does not behave like that with the other, at least that's what I think. I don't like to force myself into other people's lives because if they don't want me, then forcing it would not do anything good. I could still have my best friends from high school, but all the time I spent with them was full of bad feelings because they kept making fun of me for being the way I am. My good parts have never been considered by anybody. The last thing I remember they were making fun of me about was that I didn't sleep with my girlfriend, and that's why I was some kind of a looser.

    I don't think I am more awkward that anybody else. I'm open do to things, but not those that I consider harmful, like smoking, drinking etc. Why is this so unattractive?
     
    Sunshadow likes this.
  17. Sunshadow

    Sunshadow Distinguished Fapstronaut

    No, I don't think so. I'm still their friend, just not their top priority for hanging out and doing stuff. They reach the end of their list of people to call and they think, "Oh hey. Agentcarr20 should be on there too. I'll give him a call." But always at the end of the list. If I initiate stuff, they'll often agree, and we'll have fun. So it's not forcing it, not for me at least.

    As for your best friends from high school, that's tough man. :/ I'm afraid I don't think they're particularly good friends, not if they're making fun of you for being yourself.
    FWIW, I think it's pretty awesome that you didn't sleep with her, and both you and her are better for it.

    Honestly, I don't have all the answers. I don't know why people are the way they are, I don't understand them. But I don't want to pretend to be someone else and end up living a lie. I've done that for long enough.
     
  18. Jilloy

    Jilloy Guest

    You have no selfconfidence, people feel that. Maybe you are a negative person. I was also lonely for quite some time. I was a negative , bitter person. Not outright for everyone to see but deep down in myself. People feel that. Most people want to latch onto something or someone positive to make their lifes better and special. Become this positive, special someone. Become a positive self confident person. Feel comfortable around yourself and others will feel comfortable around you. Have fun, just being yourself. Have fun because it´s you doing it. You can force others to join you, but when they see how awesome you are, they naturally want to join in.
     
    AdamantiteMind and RealLifeGamer like this.
  19. Thanks for the courage to right that post man. You seem like a very strong person. I'don't say maybe your targeting the wrong people to hang out with, know who you are, know your likes and dislikes, know what makes you happy and the activities you like to do and find people who are interested in the same thing. At the end of the day there are people in this 7 billion person world who would love to hang out with you and appreciate you for you. The key is finding those people. It's also tough in this world today as well, seems like people like you said are always searching for what they don't need. even myself. I need to take my own advice sometimes. Than you for your post and much luck to you sir!
     
  20. spiderboy

    spiderboy Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your answer. Regarding my girlfriend: we are no longer together. I'm sure we would have slept together by now, but I broke up with her because I felt she wasn't right for me, although we were attracted to each other. I had a great desire to finally sleep with a girl, but I chose not to do it with her. I often regret not doing it, but in the end I think I made the right choice.


    I feel good when I'm with people older than me, you're right. But I want to have fun too. I'm not the person who will sit on the beach and read for 4 hours while my friends are having fun. I will go into the water, swim, and have fun too, but only if I'm not being considered inferior just for being myself.

    I do not have self-confidence all the time. That's true. But I'm not a negative person. Among the people I know, I am the one who believes in miracles, who sees the world in a brighter way. Everybody is too realistic about it. I feel that other people around me are full of negativity, while trying to show a false positiveness, while I am a positive person who doesn't fit with those who fake positiveness. I like rock, 80s, 90s music (which is full of positive vibes), jazz, classical music, and almost all the people my age prefer melancholichal, psychedelic music.

    I really feel comfortable with the way I am, but being surrounded by completely different mentalities makes me feel different, unfit. I see life differently. People seek money and comfort. I seek quality and growth.
     
    Jilloy likes this.

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