I found the cause

Today, after another relapse from this ongoing streak of urges and failures, I think I have finally found the root cause of my PMO problem. And that is... loneliness and repressing myself from being open to people and from making friendships and relationships. I know that it isn't stress from work becase I have shown not only in the past but now that I can handle that almost effortlessly most of the time (although I still need to work on time management).

Ever since I started school after moving to a new town, I kept my circle of friends very small, and was kind of a weirdo in some ways to others. I was overweight, never talked to many people, and those that I did were probably not the best to keep around.
About 2 years after moving (btw I was still doing PMO since 2016, although not as severely), I got into conflicts with friends from my old town, and slowly began to drift apart from all of them. My brother wasn't around as much and neither was my mother when I needed them due to school and work, and the family that I should've kept in contact with I ignored because of stupid reasons. I felt completely lost in life, and I turned to PMO as a way to cure these problems, which instead of helping only led me towards inner pain and misery, making me even more antisocial and isolated from the world.

Also, on the 1-2 days following a relapse, I begin acting idiotic and sometimes very hostile towards my own family, to whom I owe nearly everything in my life. They have always thought that it was some other psychological or hormonal issue for many years but neither them nor I (until recently) realized that the main cause was PMO and loneliness. I wish I could tell them, although I do not know how.

And about the second part of this. Since I was young I always had the idea that relationships were bad and you shouldn't have them until you're way older. I have no idea from where I had grabbed this notion, but I sure know that it wasn't right, and that it's taking its toll now that I'm aware. I always told myself that I never liked any girls in school, and the ones that I sort of "did" I never ended up talking to much. I feel like at the point when the PMO problem began to pick up steam is where I absolutely stopped liking real girls because I was so hooked on the computer and phone screen watching porn and draining my sexual energy by "fulfilling" my needs, not knowing the damage that I was doing to myself. Now I can truly feel the loneliness of not having taken action when I should have.

It is only until recently, when I have gone on long streaks (usually 20+ days), that I notice a strong desire for real women instead of the images on the screen. These desires often lead to fantasizing however, followed by a relapse, leading me back to a state of mind in which I start believing that I have no one to love or no one that cares for me, often making a cycle that is hard to break from.

I know that it is nearly impossible atm to really begin any new irl friendships and relationships, mainly due to the pandemic, but also due to my lack of previous connections with people that would've at least led somewhere right now.
I am hopeful that this situation will be over soon however, and that maybe with my newly acquired knowledge about myself and the world, with my better physical and mental states, and with my improved social skills and newly acquired ones like playing the guitar, maybe I can finally get somewhere, and live more happily and at peace with my mind and spirit that I have more and better people surrounding me.
I am also working on slowly repairing the bond between me and my family and some friends, as I believe that can help too.

Before I close this post however, I would like to ask any of you, if you have experienced something similar to what I have, what kind of methods would you recommend to channel that energy of desire into something more productive and to drive my feelings of resentment away?

Any answers or posts from other users would be appreciated!

-FezMan76

 

Thank you @punch54 for taking the time to reply! Although I do want to clarify a few things:

I get that it would be kind of normal if it were before that, but the thing is that I repressed myself from actually being in relationships (or even talking to girls in general) because of my own dumb ideas, my family not talking to me about it, and my friends not really growing up and becoming interested in girls as well. It's only until recently that very few that I know have found success and some others are still trying to no avail. However, my closest friends still keep their position of not really caring about it, and in general can still act like children (not just in this field but in a lot of other things), a mentally that I had adapted in my years prior to beginning NoFap. It's only until recently too that I've begun having these emotions because of the time that I've taken off P, my attempts at completely avoiding PMO, and my mind and body maturing. I'll try to do something about them for the time being.

'
Yeah I get it. I can't fix every bond that I have because some were not meant to be. But that being said, I'm still deciding very hard on whether I should cut off some of the people closest to me (some of my close friends). Ever since I started NoFap and a lot of other self-development stuff early last year, my perspective on things has changed, and now I can see clearly the detrimental effects that the mentalities of these people that I called friends had on me. They're still nice people to hang around, and have treated me with respect and kindly, but it is mostly how they see the world that has affected me as well. What do you recommend that I should do with them?

Any other responses would be appreciated!

P.S. Thank you for the tips on how to control your urges. I'll put them to use when I can!

 

Thanks for the reply again my friend! I appreciate the rest of your reply, but I do want to clarify one more thing.

I'm not saying I want sex right now honestly. What I do want at least is some sort of connection or friendship with a girl(s) because that way I can more easily stop seeing them as sex objects that my mind was so focused on. A relationship may come in time, which may indeed improve my life, but first I know that I must prepare myself mentally before going into one.

Also, aside from this convo, I've found one very effective trick at stopping myself from relapsing. Today I nearly looked over at P (again) on an old phone, and when I was about to start Ming and Oing, I asked: Do I love myself? and Do I really want this instead of actual love? I immediately stopped what I was doing and completely shut off the phone. It was something really strange.
However, this made me emphasize the love for myself and others and real connection with someone else that I am lacking and how I was trying to use P to fulfill that void in me. A really strong and slightly bizarre experience that made me learn the importance of this, and now serves as a trick to use if I ever fall victim to any urges. I now know that I must learn to love myself again before loving anyone else.

Again, thanks for the reply!

 

I get what you're saying in that we find ourselves alone from time to time with not many people to talk to. I don't want a person to be right next to me 100% of the time. However, building connections that are positive and easy to access should be my main focus, so that way there are more people to talk to and be with.
Now that my school is reopening (although in a very half-baked way), maybe I'll start to focus on that more.

 

Inspiring stuff brudda. I realize now that I have to be more grateful of things and my situation. I do hope that one day I can find someone, but I won't beat myself up for it anymore.