I found the cause

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by FezMan76, Jan 4, 2021.

Do any of you feel lonely or sad that you're single/alone (especially during this quarantine)?

  1. Yes

  2. No

  3. Sort of

  1. FezMan76

    FezMan76 Fapstronaut

    Today, after another relapse from this ongoing streak of urges and failures, I think I have finally found the root cause of my PMO problem. And that is... loneliness and repressing myself from being open to people and from making friendships and relationships. I know that it isn't stress from work becase I have shown not only in the past but now that I can handle that almost effortlessly most of the time (although I still need to work on time management).

    Ever since I started school after moving to a new town, I kept my circle of friends very small, and was kind of a weirdo in some ways to others. I was overweight, never talked to many people, and those that I did were probably not the best to keep around.
    About 2 years after moving (btw I was still doing PMO since 2016, although not as severely), I got into conflicts with friends from my old town, and slowly began to drift apart from all of them. My brother wasn't around as much and neither was my mother when I needed them due to school and work, and the family that I should've kept in contact with I ignored because of stupid reasons. I felt completely lost in life, and I turned to PMO as a way to cure these problems, which instead of helping only led me towards inner pain and misery, making me even more antisocial and isolated from the world.

    Also, on the 1-2 days following a relapse, I begin acting idiotic and sometimes very hostile towards my own family, to whom I owe nearly everything in my life. They have always thought that it was some other psychological or hormonal issue for many years but neither them nor I (until recently) realized that the main cause was PMO and loneliness. I wish I could tell them, although I do not know how.

    And about the second part of this. Since I was young I always had the idea that relationships were bad and you shouldn't have them until you're way older. I have no idea from where I had grabbed this notion, but I sure know that it wasn't right, and that it's taking its toll now that I'm aware. I always told myself that I never liked any girls in school, and the ones that I sort of "did" I never ended up talking to much. I feel like at the point when the PMO problem began to pick up steam is where I absolutely stopped liking real girls because I was so hooked on the computer and phone screen watching porn and draining my sexual energy by "fulfilling" my needs, not knowing the damage that I was doing to myself. Now I can truly feel the loneliness of not having taken action when I should have.

    It is only until recently, when I have gone on long streaks (usually 20+ days), that I notice a strong desire for real women instead of the images on the screen. These desires often lead to fantasizing however, followed by a relapse, leading me back to a state of mind in which I start believing that I have no one to love or no one that cares for me, often making a cycle that is hard to break from.

    I know that it is nearly impossible atm to really begin any new irl friendships and relationships, mainly due to the pandemic, but also due to my lack of previous connections with people that would've at least led somewhere right now.
    I am hopeful that this situation will be over soon however, and that maybe with my newly acquired knowledge about myself and the world, with my better physical and mental states, and with my improved social skills and newly acquired ones like playing the guitar, maybe I can finally get somewhere, and live more happily and at peace with my mind and spirit that I have more and better people surrounding me.
    I am also working on slowly repairing the bond between me and my family and some friends, as I believe that can help too.

    Before I close this post however, I would like to ask any of you, if you have experienced something similar to what I have, what kind of methods would you recommend to channel that energy of desire into something more productive and to drive my feelings of resentment away?

    Any answers or posts from other users would be appreciated!

    YoungLenny, Aloha, Baowistop and 2 others like this.
  2. punch54

    punch54 Fapstronaut NoFap Defender

    It's great to see that you've acknowledged PMO as a leading cause for your problems. With this in mind, overcoming PMO can help you overcome other challenges in your life through acquiring discipline and self control.

    Truly, the things we use to help us lift the burdens of life off our shoulders more often than not make our burdens even heavier to carry. Obviously, PMO is a great example of this. It's a trade-off between short-term pleasure for long-term pain. Without any doubt, short-term pain - the pain of resisting your urges - can result in long-term success and happiness.

    "Also, on the 1-2 days following a relapse, I begin acting idiotic and sometimes very hostile towards my own family"
    I think that's normal for anyone who has recently relapsed. For me, it's usually until the second or third week of NoFap that I begin to become a genuinely nicer person. I definitely think that this will vary between each person based on their own circumstances.

    "Since I was young I always had the idea that relationships were bad and you shouldn't have them until you're way older"
    If I'm to be honest, I think all boys before puberty find girls disgusting and weird. I know of other people besides myself that thought that way before hitting puberty. I think that's normal for everyone.

    "I am also working on slowly repairing the bond between me and my family and some friends, as I believe that can help too"
    That's honestly great to hear! I appreciate that you're looking for ways to mend ties with each other. In my opinion, those who take the responsibility on their shoulders to fix and mend ties with each other are some of the best people on Earth. Unfortunately, some people in this world can be really toxic and won't change their ways for the better no matter what, so it's important to be aware of such people so they don't suck the life out of you. These people often make you feel horrible no matter what.

    "What kind of methods would you recommend to channel that energy of desire into something more productive and to drive my feelings of resentment away?"
    One time when I had a strong urge (this was like three months ago), I went for a sprint outside to help channel the energy. And boy! I sprinted faster that time than I ever did in my life. On another occasion, I was reading a self-improvement book and got a sudden-strong urge. During that urge, I felt like I could think like Einstein (almost) if I kept on reading. I don't know why entirely, but it did. It also felt like my concentration had improved greatly on the spot. Therefore, if you want to channel your energy, you should seek a way to find something beneficial to channel it towards. Some physical exercise would be a great way to channel your sexual energy into positive energy.
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2021
    FezMan76 likes this.
  3. FezMan76

    FezMan76 Fapstronaut

    Thank you @punch54 for taking the time to reply! Although I do want to clarify a few things:
    I get that it would be kind of normal if it were before that, but the thing is that I repressed myself from actually being in relationships (or even talking to girls in general) because of my own dumb ideas, my family not talking to me about it, and my friends not really growing up and becoming interested in girls as well. It's only until recently that very few that I know have found success and some others are still trying to no avail. However, my closest friends still keep their position of not really caring about it, and in general can still act like children (not just in this field but in a lot of other things), a mentally that I had adapted in my years prior to beginning NoFap. It's only until recently too that I've begun having these emotions because of the time that I've taken off P, my attempts at completely avoiding PMO, and my mind and body maturing. I'll try to do something about them for the time being.

    Yeah I get it. I can't fix every bond that I have because some were not meant to be. But that being said, I'm still deciding very hard on whether I should cut off some of the people closest to me (some of my close friends). Ever since I started NoFap and a lot of other self-development stuff early last year, my perspective on things has changed, and now I can see clearly the detrimental effects that the mentalities of these people that I called friends had on me. They're still nice people to hang around, and have treated me with respect and kindly, but it is mostly how they see the world that has affected me as well. What do you recommend that I should do with them?

    Any other responses would be appreciated!

    P.S. Thank you for the tips on how to control your urges. I'll put them to use when I can!
    punch54 likes this.
  4. punch54

    punch54 Fapstronaut NoFap Defender

    "Thank you @punch54 for taking the time to reply!"
    Hey! I'm glad to help. I've heard that human beings are built with the desire of wanting to contribute towards making the world a better place. In my experience, helping people like the homeless and generally trying to be a good/helpful person has generally paved way in making myself more intrinsically happy. This goes against the general Western idea of "Me, myself, and I", where the focus of achieving happiness is based entirely upon the individual following their whims and desires, and I think that's why a lot of Western people are easily depressed - because they don't spare much time in helping others improve themselves, let alone their own selves. But I certainly believe other factors can play out in causing depression in one's life such as seeing a person close to you fall terminally sick, or being constantly bullied, etc.

    "I repressed myself from actually being in relationships (or even talking to girls in general) because of my own dumb ideas"
    I'm not sure your reasons for not talking to girls, but personally, I usually don't talk to girls unless they're my family, and unless a need calls for it like asking a person at a store where I can find a certain product or anything simple like that. Personally, I'm not too worried about getting in a relationship just yet as I'm saving my virginity until after marriage so I don't catch AIDS/HIV or any other random disease. Other than that, I'm mostly fine with just being friends with a girl like at school or something, though I would still prefer to spend more of my time with the bois. Plus, I think my relationship my future wife (if I can manage it) would work out much better that way since my partner wouldn't have to worry about being cheated on. So don't worry about thinking it's not normal to not be in a relationship. I know a close friend of mine who says he wished he had never gotten into any relationships in the first place because of how his partners would consume too much of his own time and distract him from things that really mattered like focusing on school.

    Concerning whether you should leave your friends or not: I think it depends on how bad of an influence you think they are. Based off of the fact that they're respectful and kind people (as you said), I suggest you keep them. People who respect you are the people you should surround yourself with. People who treat you like garbage can easily destroy your sanity. No one is free from flaws, so if you have a problem with any of your friends, I think you should try respectfully addressing the issue with them. But in any case, do remember that no one will change for the better in a split second. I think the best way to deal with people is to present the best of your character towards them. Humans enjoy being positively appreciated and revere being negatively criticized. One who is constantly told that they have "x, y and z" faults is more likely to develop hatred towards you than to heed what you're saying. I remember back when I was in middle school, me and my locker buddy hated the crap out of each other because neither of us would keep the locker-door open so either of us could use it next. We had "x, y and z" reasons for why the other person deserves to be disrespected. One day, I decided to leave the door open so he could proceed with his business. We ended up becoming really great friends afterwards.
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2021
  5. FezMan76

    FezMan76 Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the reply again my friend! I appreciate the rest of your reply, but I do want to clarify one more thing.
    I'm not saying I want sex right now honestly. What I do want at least is some sort of connection or friendship with a girl(s) because that way I can more easily stop seeing them as sex objects that my mind was so focused on. A relationship may come in time, which may indeed improve my life, but first I know that I must prepare myself mentally before going into one.

    Also, aside from this convo, I've found one very effective trick at stopping myself from relapsing. Today I nearly looked over at P (again) on an old phone, and when I was about to start Ming and Oing, I asked: Do I love myself? and Do I really want this instead of actual love? I immediately stopped what I was doing and completely shut off the phone. It was something really strange.
    However, this made me emphasize the love for myself and others and real connection with someone else that I am lacking and how I was trying to use P to fulfill that void in me. A really strong and slightly bizarre experience that made me learn the importance of this, and now serves as a trick to use if I ever fall victim to any urges. I now know that I must learn to love myself again before loving anyone else.

    Again, thanks for the reply!
    punch54 likes this.
  6. ThePeakWae

    ThePeakWae Fapstronaut

    Think about it like this we are always lonely and unless you can accept that you cant handle society properly.
  7. FezMan76

    FezMan76 Fapstronaut

    I get what you're saying in that we find ourselves alone from time to time with not many people to talk to. I don't want a person to be right next to me 100% of the time. However, building connections that are positive and easy to access should be my main focus, so that way there are more people to talk to and be with.
    Now that my school is reopening (although in a very half-baked way), maybe I'll start to focus on that more.
    Defunct Bottle and ThePeakWae like this.
  8. Aloha

    Aloha Fapstronaut

    Thank you brother for your post,

    you really put your hand on the problem.

    And inspired me to do so as I have almost a similar problem.

    One of the things that I had learnt which helped me a lot, is living the moment, if you want to remember something old and painful, remember the positive side from it that maybe because of this pain that you overcame a bigger problem otherwise thinking at the past causes depression.
    Similarly, thinking at the future causes anxiety except if you’re planning, it will be great.

    Buddy, be grateful for where you are and who you are. No matter how hard your situation is, remember there are people passed through more difficult situations and they had overcome them.

    Everything is achievable, going to the moon was a miracle, now it’s a mission.
    punch54 and FezMan76 like this.
  9. FezMan76

    FezMan76 Fapstronaut

    Inspiring stuff brudda. I realize now that I have to be more grateful of things and my situation. I do hope that one day I can find someone, but I won't beat myself up for it anymore.