I got banned from seeing my friend

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by need4realchg, Nov 22, 2019.

  1. At this point in life I have 3 friends. 2 of them are older than me (50+) and I look up to them like mentors. I don’t filter anything or hold back.
    these are guys I share everything with in person when I’m in town. They know my struggles and my financial dreams and plans. They give me straight advice and lift me up. I share the gory details with them and it has been really helpful.

    this past week one of them my mentor (50+) got his phone taken by his wife and she saw all of our text messages and basically kicked my friends ass. Then told him I was banned from their house or even being his friend. My friend is crushed. He deletes our conversations daily he says because he doesn’t want his wife to see how he is helping me (and sometimes just feeling my emotions when I act out). Meaning he might say something like “go get one for me” or something like that.

    He says his wife didn’t read my texts to him, just his texts back to me asking what happened how I was dealing with being on the road etc. I told him and some of his texts were guy talk “don’t feel bad bro you are doing way better than I did at your age..” kinda stuff.

    now after all this wife accused him of being gay. He was already not getting any love at the house. He is not any kind of porn or sex addict like me. He is just a really dedicated dad who doesn’t want to divorce and stay with and for his kids.

    I have to see them at church... what do I do??
    Homelander likes this.
  2. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Can you go round when he is out and talk to her?
  3. To his wife ?? Mmm I guess so yes. A risky parlay to be sure ...
  4. apimpnamedslickback

    apimpnamedslickback Fapstronaut

    this whole post seems off, like its not the full story
  5. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Interesting reply, you sound shocked. It's made me wonder if she's right. When I think of my friends, male and female, I am now also friends with their spouses. How would you answer this: is your friend a better or a worse husband as a result of his friendship with you?
    Lilla_My likes this.
  6. Find a better mentor. How can you respect a man who lets his wife command him like that?
  7. off? I don’t understand?
  8. Am I shocked? Yes. Shocked for different reasons.

    1). I Am her friend in the sense I know everyone at church. But only 2 people know me—he’s one of them. She is also friends with my wife (separated) and my wife doesn’t tell her anything.

    2). Is she right ? If the objective is to “protect” her husband from me being a bad influence then she is right. He is the men’s ministry director... he’s supposed to influence me, and that’s why I went to him in the first place. The thing is that this is a double edged sword and he shared stuff with me he obviously isn’t comfortable sharing with his wife. She bullies him apparently and now she can’t hide that.

    3). Better or worse husband ? I think his marriage was already a show before I opened up to him —- it’s just more obvious to his wife after reading his texts that he is conscious of how shallow it is.

    i feel bad for him because I had the courage to separate while I get my life back. Albeit it’s not a quick fix but it’s honest. My friend is now how I used to be ... limping along and hiding his true frustrations. It just was revealed in a way that proves he’s LIKE me spiritually even though he doesn’t act on anything.

    Edit: When I was in his position I just called myself a hypocrite and challenged my faith , walked away from my marriage vows and started acting out. He has kept up the charade and stayed in.
    Last edited: Nov 23, 2019
    kropo82 likes this.
  9. you know this is a hard thing to respond to. This guy used to be a bodybuilder and has admitted his wife’s verbal treatment has reduced his self esteem to squat. I identify with that. I wish I could find a guy I could relate with from an addict perspective that has a marriage I admire. I just see problems with everyone’s relationship — even if they are married. Many people stay married, unhappily for the kids sake.
  10. I think your friend has something to explain to you.
    The first thing you can do is ask him. Let he explain his problem to you.
    Because it is HIS problem, not yours.
    GregHill and need4realchg like this.
  11. Yes but how do I approach his wife? Pretend I’m respecting her wishes and not talking to him? Ignore how she is behind closed doors ? You know how we “Christians” can be two-faced but we don’t admit it.

    i have been struggling on how to face her. The irony is ... she met with my wife and went out for bday dinner. I assume they talked but you know she’s coming from a different place.
    GregHill and Roady like this.
  12. itz_gioc

    itz_gioc Fapstronaut

    Go up to his wife and be like "Why you gotta be a b****?" then walk away.

    No I'm joking don't do that.

    To be honest, just leave them be. I can see that you look up to him and he's been helping you for quite some time but you have to try to let go sometimes. Have him deal with his wife situation. Friends will always be there but they also have lives. Focus on yourself. Ignore them for now and just mind your business. Your on this journey. Just you.

    One day you will become a good mentor for future generations.
    GregHill and need4realchg like this.
  13. First of all, seek the Lord in this and ask Him for advice.
    Don't take steps before you know what 's really wise to do.
    After all she / they have a problem, not you.
    GregHill, itz_gioc and need4realchg like this.
  14. lolos

    lolos Fapstronaut

    Why was his wife angry when she saw the texts?
  15. Because she got to see who he really was in answering my texts.
  16. i took your advice. Yesterday she didn’t say much. My friend didn’t go to church. Just his wife ... but she didn’t say anything.
  17. Take it easy.
    Don't be surprised if you don't see your friend for a long time in church. That's always a sign something is wrong in that persons life.
    need4realchg likes this.
  18. Submariner

    Submariner Fapstronaut

    You talk about the age gap between you and your friend. May I ask how much years this is? This age difference is probably the reason that his wife is schocked. I agree with some of the posters before me that it is the best idea to go and talk to the lady. Although I don't think you should act up. Show how mature you are, explain why you like her husband en what you guys have in common.

    need4realchg likes this.
  19. Homelander

    Homelander Fapstronaut

    As I already wrote: His wife is an idiot and now is blaming everybody close for her failed marriage except for herself.
    You might not be the perfect role-model she want for her lonely husband, but are not the issue here.
    My advise: Give it some rest and let wait what happens.
    Hopefully the mad cow will calm down and your friend will feel at ease to restore contact again.
    need4realchg likes this.
  20. WilBil99

    WilBil99 Fapstronaut

    I’d stay away from the wife and respect the wishes of your mentor. If he wishes to still communicate then continue to use him as a valued confidant. If he needs to pull back then respect what he is doing for his family as we each have different reasons for doing what we do. Lastly, maybe another platform for communicating w him vs texting that will allow for continued support yet shield him from his wife’s prying eyes. Having that support for someone you trust is awesome, we could all benefit from being able to be brutally honest with someone on this journey. Hope it works out!
    need4realchg likes this.

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