I’m currently on day 2 again . I started taking ashwaghanda and it has helped with my anxiety and my moodiness . I still feel very very sad and hopeless . I know I talk about this a lot, but I feel like I may never ever be “normal” again . All I ever think about is that morning I woke up when I was 20 ( am now 30) and I remember fantasizing about my normal fantasy and I couldn’t get aroused. It’s like my senses had become dulled and I couldn’t get a full erection or keep one . The night before I was doing alot of drugs and edging and fapping for hours and hours . When I woke up the next morning I could no longer become aroused . Fast forward 10 years and I still can’t stop looking at porn or fapping . I had dreams when I was younger . I had dreams of a wife and kids and a dog and the white picket fence . The older I get the more I think that I may only get to experience this at night in my dreams. I dream of being normal alot , I dream of being in love and not having pied . I wake up and it’s back to this miserable reality . These past 10 years I have been on a Deathwish . I have taken all kinds of drugs and drank tons of alcohol . I didn’t die I just kept waking up . When I was 22 I ran a knife into my leg and almost severed my femoral artery because of my addiction to porn . I survived but I will have the scar on my thigh for life . Things look and feel very very bleak . I feel like I am in this dark pit and theirs no way out of it . I worry that I permanently damaged my brain and maybe it’s going to be like this for the rest of my life . It’s not easy living alone in a 550 square foot apartment . It’s not easy having your parents ask you why you never have a girlfriend, thinking you are gay . I went to my parents house a couple nights ago . My brother and his girlfriend were there . His girlfriend is a very caring person and seems to like me . My dad told me the next day when I saw him again that she is worried about me . He said when I left she said that she wishes I could find someone. She said that she hates to see me so bitter and spend my time alone all the time . I have shared on here that my father has multiple sclerosis and I don’t know how long he has left. He’s losing more of his ability to walk and his ability to speak . His voice is getting weaker and he could lose his voice . He told me last night that he really doesn’t want me to be alone once he’s gone . I tried to tell him awhile ago what was going on but he’s 60 years old and I don’t think people had PIED when he was younger . He couldn’t really grasp what I was saying to him . I tell myself when he’s gone I won’t have anything else and I can just “go” too. I think once he dies I won’t be so afraid to leave this world anymore . I just wanna take care of him till he passes and then I want to check out too. You can breathe helium until you fall asleep and it’s a very peaceful way to go . I don’t know what I’ve done to myself . I find joy from nothing . It’s like my Brain won’t release the chemicals needed to feel joy. Like I know I’m supposed to be happy but my brian won’t do it. It’s weird . The most beautiful girl could tell me she likes me and I wouldn’t care . All I feel is despair . I’ve had to turn girls down in the past . How could I date someone being how I am ? The girl wants to make love and you can’t . It’s how it is. It’s not so much I want to die it’s just I want to start over somewhere else in another dimension . If anyone is going through something similar I would love to hear from you .