I guess I feel like spilling my heart out again

seagulls6878 · Jun 9, 2022

I’m currently on day 2 again . I started taking ashwaghanda and it has helped with my anxiety and my moodiness . I still feel very very sad and hopeless . I know I talk about this a lot, but I feel like I may never ever be “normal” again . All I ever think about is that morning I woke up when I was 20 ( am now 30) and I remember fantasizing about my normal fantasy and I couldn’t get aroused. It’s like my senses had become dulled and I couldn’t get a full erection or keep one . The night before I was doing alot of drugs and edging and fapping for hours and hours . When I woke up the next morning I could no longer become aroused . Fast forward 10 years and I still can’t stop looking at porn or fapping . I had dreams when I was younger . I had dreams of a wife and kids and a dog and the white picket fence . The older I get the more I think that I may only get to experience this at night in my dreams. I dream of being normal alot , I dream of being in love and not having pied . I wake up and it’s back to this miserable reality . These past 10 years I have been on a Deathwish . I have taken all kinds of drugs and drank tons of alcohol . I didn’t die I just kept waking up . When I was 22 I ran a knife into my leg and almost severed my femoral artery because of my addiction to porn . I survived but I will have the scar on my thigh for life . Things look and feel very very bleak . I feel like I am in this dark pit and theirs no way out of it . I worry that I permanently damaged my brain and maybe it’s going to be like this for the rest of my life . It’s not easy living alone in a 550 square foot apartment . It’s not easy having your parents ask you why you never have a girlfriend, thinking you are gay . I went to my parents house a couple nights ago . My brother and his girlfriend were there . His girlfriend is a very caring person and seems to like me . My dad told me the next day when I saw him again that she is worried about me . He said when I left she said that she wishes I could find someone. She said that she hates to see me so bitter and spend my time alone all the time . I have shared on here that my father has multiple sclerosis and I don’t know how long he has left. He’s losing more of his ability to walk and his ability to speak . His voice is getting weaker and he could lose his voice . He told me last night that he really doesn’t want me to be alone once he’s gone . I tried to tell him awhile ago what was going on but he’s 60 years old and I don’t think people had PIED when he was younger . He couldn’t really grasp what I was saying to him . I tell myself when he’s gone I won’t have anything else and I can just “go” too. I think once he dies I won’t be so afraid to leave this world anymore . I just wanna take care of him till he passes and then I want to check out too. You can breathe helium until you fall asleep and it’s a very peaceful way to go . I don’t know what I’ve done to myself . I find joy from nothing . It’s like my Brain won’t release the chemicals needed to feel joy. Like I know I’m supposed to be happy but my brian won’t do it. It’s weird . The most beautiful girl could tell me she likes me and I wouldn’t care . All I feel is despair . I’ve had to turn girls down in the past . How could I date someone being how I am ? The girl wants to make love and you can’t . It’s how it is. It’s not so much I want to die it’s just I want to start over somewhere else in another dimension . If anyone is going through something similar I would love to hear from you .

Deleted Account · Jun 9, 2022

Well, you probably won't be surprised to see me here. I was just thinking last night, for what seemed like the millionth time, about how I'd love to press a reset button or get a do over of some kind. My biggest hurdle is my health and what it's become as a result of years of edging and sleeplessness. I too am significantly affected by things that are outside of my control. You just have to try to convince yourself that there's only so much you can do. There's no way that we can reverse years of damage with a short NoFap streak or a supplement. You have to take it one step at a time.

The way you brought up your small apartment makes me think that you'd benefit from leaving it more often. Is there nature where you are? Are you near the mountains or the ocean or anything? If so, you should do more to be out there. I've read that negative ion exposure (being around moving water like waves or mist from a waterfall) is extremely beneficial for people battling stress and addiction. You can't live your life on a computer or a phone and expect to be happy and healthy.

seagulls6878 · Jun 9, 2022

I’m close to a beach . It’s not a nice beach by any means but it’s a beach lol . Their are some trails around too . My friend sometimes takes me frisbee golfing but honestly I don’t care for it . I mean like you said , I know we can’t wallow in self pity and we have to work the program . Sometimes the real world just fucks me up so much man . All your childhood friends married with children and your like, “this is my life “. What did I do that was so wrong to deserve this . It’s like torture man and it’s very debilitating . I think we talked about this on a post I made in the past . It’s hard to find things that are enjoyable with this looming over your head . I also have a kink and I’m trying to overcome that . I’m on testosterone replacement therapy as well and my testosterone levels are super high and I still have no libido . I think about restarting like you said all the time . I have this scar on my leg and every time I see it I think of what I did to myself . I’ve become in the know about the agenda for some years now. Sometimes I see the normies on the streets or at work and I tell myself how stupid they are. Then at times I kinda envy them cause if I was them I wouldn’t have the problems that I have. I find myself going from “gods not real” to “I’m furious with god “. When I used to go to AA years ago , this was common amongst many alchi’s and addicts . I think it’s like you said I have to find shit to do . Idk if we’re ever get out I hope we will . I am one way or another . I wish their was a place people like us could meet . Not really AA based but just try and help each other and shit .

Deleted Account · Jun 9, 2022

seagulls6878 said: ↑

I’m close to a beach . It’s not a nice beach by any means but it’s a beach lol . Their are some trails around too . My friend sometimes takes me frisbee golfing but honestly I don’t care for it . I mean like you said , I know we can’t wallow in self pity and we have to work the program . Sometimes the real world just fucks me up so much man . All your childhood friends married with children and your like, “this is my life “. What did I do that was so wrong to deserve this . It’s like torture man and it’s very debilitating . I think we talked about this on a post I made in the past . It’s hard to find things that are enjoyable with this looming over your head . I also have a kink and I’m trying to overcome that . I’m on testosterone replacement therapy as well and my testosterone levels are super high and I still have no libido . I think about restarting like you said all the time . I have this scar on my leg and every time I see it I think of what I did to myself . I’ve become in the know about the agenda for some years now. Sometimes I see the normies on the streets or at work and I tell myself how stupid they are. Then at times I kinda envy them cause if I was them I wouldn’t have the problems that I have. I find myself going from “gods not real” to “I’m furious with god “. When I used to go to AA years ago , this was common amongst many alchi’s and addicts . I think it’s like you said I have to find shit to do . Idk if we’re ever get out I hope we will . I am one way or another . I wish their was a place people like us could meet . Not really AA based but just try and help each other and shit .
Click to expand...

I know, dude. This band I used to listen to wrote a song exactly about that... about coming to this point in life at which you feel like you've somehow fallen way behind and everyone is living normally except for you. Even though I now strongly dislike the band for their politics and virtue signaling, I still love that song because I can relate to it so much. Regarding your kink that you're trying to get over, you can feel free to message me in private if you think you wanna get it off your shoulders. If it's too private, I understand. I'm just trying to help.

Being clued in to what's going on doesn't help us but I can assure you that being oblivious, like most normies are, isn't helping them either. It's almost like you can't win. ALMOST. The key is to find some kind of middle ground. You have to be based in actual reality and you need to stay grounded. I try to remember to remind myself of this on a regular basis.

If I were you, I'd start frequenting that beach and those trails near you. Who cares if it's not all that special? Just go. You don't have to do workouts or anything too physically demanding. Just walk. Be open. If someone says hi, say hi back. Maybe even strike up a conversation with someone... a girl, an elderly person, whoever.

seagulls6878 · Jun 10, 2022

Yeah dude what kind of music do you listen to ? I mostly listen to punk music and that’s about it. I like some post hardcore but mostly punk music . Yeah my kink I’m told isn’t really bad , is what people on here say . Most people says it sounds more amusing than anything .

yeah me and my coworker were just talking about the agenda again today lol . We talk about it everyday cause neither of us know many people who care lol. I guess you do all you can and the rest just has to play out. I’m thinking of going to the beach soon and just start walking around the beach town we have here . Lots of tourist but it’s a nice place to visit.

i clicked on your profile in an attempt to private message you but it says you limit who can see your profile . The message option isn’t their .

Deleted Account · Jun 10, 2022

seagulls6878 said: ↑

Yeah dude what kind of music do you listen to ? I mostly listen to punk music and that’s about it. I like some post hardcore but mostly punk music . Yeah my kink I’m told isn’t really bad , is what people on here say . Most people says it sounds more amusing than anything .

yeah me and my coworker were just talking about the agenda again today lol . We talk about it everyday cause neither of us know many people who care lol. I guess you do all you can and the rest just has to play out. I’m thinking of going to the beach soon and just start walking around the beach town we have here . Lots of tourist but it’s a nice place to visit.

i clicked on your profile in an attempt to private message you but it says you limit who can see your profile . The message option isn’t their .
Click to expand...

I mostly listen to various sub genres of metal. Like you, I also do some post hardcore. It's just difficult because like I mentioned before, more and more of the guys who make up bands nowadays are a bunch of pro-establishment bootlickers who make it difficult to support them. There are really just a handful of bands I listen to on a regular basis.

Be grateful for that beach you have. There's literally zero nature where I am and that's not an over exaggeration. Try to take advantage of the outdoors, man, I really think that's what made me feel better for a few years when I had moved away.

Thanks for letting me know about my profile. I'll have to go in and see what that's all about.

seagulls6878 · Jun 10, 2022

I like old story of the year , ADTR and I’ve been a Silverstein fan for years now. I like old blink-182 and shit like that . Do you feel anything from music anymore man

seagulls6878 · Jun 10, 2022

Try and send me a message Kopykat

LOSEmyselftoSAVEmyself · Jun 10, 2022

seagulls6878 said: ↑

I’m currently on day 2 again . I started taking ashwaghanda and it has helped with my anxiety and my moodiness . I still feel very very sad and hopeless . I know I talk about this a lot, but I feel like I may never ever be “normal” again . All I ever think about is that morning I woke up when I was 20 ( am now 30) and I remember fantasizing about my normal fantasy and I couldn’t get aroused. It’s like my senses had become dulled and I couldn’t get a full erection or keep one . The night before I was doing alot of drugs and edging and fapping for hours and hours . When I woke up the next morning I could no longer become aroused . Fast forward 10 years and I still can’t stop looking at porn or fapping . I had dreams when I was younger . I had dreams of a wife and kids and a dog and the white picket fence . The older I get the more I think that I may only get to experience this at night in my dreams. I dream of being normal alot , I dream of being in love and not having pied . I wake up and it’s back to this miserable reality . These past 10 years I have been on a Deathwish . I have taken all kinds of drugs and drank tons of alcohol . I didn’t die I just kept waking up . When I was 22 I ran a knife into my leg and almost severed my femoral artery because of my addiction to porn . I survived but I will have the scar on my thigh for life . Things look and feel very very bleak . I feel like I am in this dark pit and theirs no way out of it . I worry that I permanently damaged my brain and maybe it’s going to be like this for the rest of my life . It’s not easy living alone in a 550 square foot apartment . It’s not easy having your parents ask you why you never have a girlfriend, thinking you are gay . I went to my parents house a couple nights ago . My brother and his girlfriend were there . His girlfriend is a very caring person and seems to like me . My dad told me the next day when I saw him again that she is worried about me . He said when I left she said that she wishes I could find someone. She said that she hates to see me so bitter and spend my time alone all the time . I have shared on here that my father has multiple sclerosis and I don’t know how long he has left. He’s losing more of his ability to walk and his ability to speak . His voice is getting weaker and he could lose his voice . He told me last night that he really doesn’t want me to be alone once he’s gone . I tried to tell him awhile ago what was going on but he’s 60 years old and I don’t think people had PIED when he was younger . He couldn’t really grasp what I was saying to him . I tell myself when he’s gone I won’t have anything else and I can just “go” too. I think once he dies I won’t be so afraid to leave this world anymore . I just wanna take care of him till he passes and then I want to check out too. You can breathe helium until you fall asleep and it’s a very peaceful way to go . I don’t know what I’ve done to myself . I find joy from nothing . It’s like my Brain won’t release the chemicals needed to feel joy. Like I know I’m supposed to be happy but my brian won’t do it. It’s weird . The most beautiful girl could tell me she likes me and I wouldn’t care . All I feel is despair . I’ve had to turn girls down in the past . How could I date someone being how I am ? The girl wants to make love and you can’t . It’s how it is. It’s not so much I want to die it’s just I want to start over somewhere else in another dimension . If anyone is going through something similar I would love to hear from you .
Click to expand...

Ok this might sound like bad info, but i have a suggestion. Did you ever see that episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry David talks about the double crime? The idea is that if a kid gets in trouble for eating a cookie, since he's already grounded, he grabs another one.

What it means is that if you already feel this incredible despair, why not use that feeling to turn your life around? If you feel despair, all it is is suffering. Suffering is everywhere. Suffering is getting rejected by a girl, not getting something you want, feeling like a failure, and seeing the people we love, like your father, succumb to health issues. For the last one, I am truly sorry about that. My father is already gone, of course, I'm probably double your age.

Anyway, all I am saying is that if you are already in that state of suffering, why not make it count? Go ahead and commit to a 90 day hard mode reboot. Every time you want to relapse, just assume that when you don't, that suffering is turning your life around for the better. Because it is.

As the reboot progresses, you'll start to see good things happen. You'll get some blessings, some you may work for, some will just come. Get some fitness going, get those laps in! Read books. Work any job that hires you, or be a gig worker. Save your money. Stop playing video games.

Because a major reason why you are struggling is because you need a goal to focus on. I'm not talking about Mets tickets, I mean like a major, important thing. A career type of deal. You need it because you are relapsing by being too much in your own head, in your own space.

Just friendly advice from an outsider, trash it if it doesn't work.
But it will.

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