Idk why but I need to get this off my chest . I’ve only had a girlfriend for maybe a little over a month when I was 20 years old . The PIED happened when I was turning 21 and I’ve had it ever since . A few years back when I was 26(I’m now 30), their was this sex worker i used to see . I had and still have a kink and she would do it for me . I saw her pretty consistently for two years and got to know her and also grew attached to her. I also gave her a lot of money over time . Paying for these sessions with her. I’ve talked about her alot on here . As pitiful as this sounds this is the closest thing to a serious relationship I have had. I think about her everyday . Last night I had a dream and it was very real . I was walking around town , almost a city center in a metropolitan area . I was looking for her and I finally found her. It felt so real and she almost looked like an angel . Their was all these people around in the dream and I was going in and out of places and I was looking for her and I found her and we hugged . It was like she was glowing and I finally found her then she said “I’ve been waiting for you .” I woke up and i kinda cried when I woke up cause I didn’t want the dream to end . I was happy in the dream , im not happy down here . Not with my lifeless dead dick and my crippling porn addiction. I got to know this girl and she was a good person . We spent a lot of time together . I knew one day she’d be gone but I never imagined it being this rough . With the pied I can’t really go out and meet women with this hanging over my head . I think I kinda fell in love with an escort . I’ve been thinking all day about that dream I had . I’m very very depressed and don’t go out and do much . My dad has multiple sclerosis and I’m making it my life’s work to fully take care of him till he passes away . In whatever way I can . I just want this to stop . We live not far from a beach . We spent alot of time their when I was a child and it’s a happy place . I think when my dad passes away . I’m going to drive to the beach one more time and park on the beach and watch the sun come up . Then when the sun comes up I’m going to shoot my self in the head . Then I can have my peace and maybe , if their is a god, I can have another chance at happiness in another life . I don’t think I’m meant to be happy down here . I don’t know if anyone can relate to how I’m feeling right now. Thank you for reading this.