NoFap

  1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

I hate my kinks!!

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by awkward_loner, Nov 6, 2019.

  1. Nov 6, 2019 #1
    awkward_loner

    awkward_loner Fapstronaut

    13
    7
    3
    Sad to say my kinks have grown to very extreme extents.

    There is a site where you can roleplay - and I have a few problems.

    1) My kinks have gotten very taboo - talking morbid kinks that are violent, and illegal if acted out in real life.

    2) I spend too much time on there, I have literally spent maybe 2 days straight on it "scoping" for activity. I have a dual monitor setup I would literally leave the chat open on the secondary monitor, searching for hours on end to find a demented roleplay. HOWEVER the results would be mediocre if at all.....if I did find that "ONE GOOD TIME!!" it was all bets are off, I am going to enjoy myself, I would "finish"......and then I would think to myself "....wait what did I just fantasize about?" and then absolute hate myself for it, PROMISING I WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!!!! only to do it a day later, or even an hour.

    I feel like I live a double life when I live out my fantasies online, and I know that sounds super pathetic, really - just chatting about demented dark and taboo roleplays. But really if people in my life found out what I was into I would feel ashamed and probably live out the rest of my days on a deserted island.

    My porn journey started when I was 12 years old, and over time it has escalated and vanilla just doesn't do it for me anymore. I don't know what to do.....I left the website but I am catching myself in the act fantasizing about the "good ol' days" - and having to remind myself 98% of the time it sucked, I hated myself after a good session - which was rare, and I don't know why I am reminiscing about something this f*cked up!!

    I don't know how to break free from this vicious cycle, I will even find myself browsing phonesex lines to have these conversations - I never act on them, but I have come close to calling, giving my payment info, and going to town with the smut.

    WHY CAN'T I BREAK THIS CYCLE!!!!!!? I absolutely despise this garbage, but still crave it.
    I honestly wish I never had a sex drive.
     
    awkward_loner, Nov 6, 2019
    awkward_loner, Nov 6, 2019
    #1
  2. Nov 6, 2019 #2
    Deleted Account

    Deleted Account Guest

    So you say if only people found-out how horrible you are and what horrible things you do, they would hate you.
    This in simple words means - I hate myself and I am deeply ashamed of myself, I am a miserable, bad person not worthy of anything good and so I do things to destroy myself and make myself suffer - because I deserve it, I am nothing.

    You do not respect yourself, I do not need more than what you wrote to figure out - you have no social life, you have too much shame to have one. Shame that you created, shame everyone feels when they are around you.
    How can you change if you feel you do not deserve to change?
     
    Deleted Account, Nov 6, 2019
    Deleted Account, Nov 6, 2019
    #2
  3. Nov 6, 2019 #3
    awkward_loner

    awkward_loner Fapstronaut

    13
    7
    3
    I feel I deserve change, I just don't know how to go through with it, my mind keeps going back to that garbage smut - and I hate it.
     
    awkward_loner, Nov 6, 2019
    awkward_loner, Nov 6, 2019
    #3
  4. Nov 6, 2019 #4
    Deleted Account

    Deleted Account Guest

    Saying "I deserve" is saying "give me" - the very core of your problem. You want to take but not give.

    What if I say to you that your family, friends and neighbors deserve better from you? What have you given them lately? Are you in a condition to give?

    You need to get out of this depression, get people involved in your life, open up and spend time with others.
    Noone judges you - you ran away, isolated yourself, you do not feel any reason to stop you are not doing much to actually be better person, person who can be honest,
    You hide! What if they find out who I really am.
     
    Deleted Account, Nov 6, 2019
    Deleted Account, Nov 6, 2019
    #4

Share This Page