I hate myself

Hi, im human. and I hate myself. of course for at least 2 years of trying to quit and not accomplishing it. well it seems that i have to turn the hate into patience and presistance. i did it 3 times today. after a stress shock. im looking forward to take back the control of my hands. they just automatically go there. im having all sorts of impulses at this very moment. from cigarrets to sweets to porn of course. ive made a mess in my poor brain. i quit, i relapse on one thing, then i go and do ALL the things that I shouldnt do. that way i stay overwieght (morbidly obese), bad lungs (so i cant even go to the freaking gym), and of course fappin. oh and of course there is a gaming addiction in the background. that under any stress makes my casual gaming into a cocain-like activity. oh man, im ashamed. im disgusted. i love my girl. she freaking loves a piece of shit. she is hot. its almost impossible for me to believe that she is actually mine. do I desrve her? i try my best to. am i afraid that something like karma or sth can turn my beautiful relationship into the dust? alot! alot! i dont want that to happen. I wish i was dead. or alive and healthy and clean of this shit. yea, this is me. never told these to anyone. was even afraid to write them down for myself. what if someone saw what a piece of shit i am? i honestly hope i didnt fuck u up with this. but im angry and without anywhere to fucking go. anyone to tell this shit to. i hate psychaiatrists. i probably hate you guys. maybe im just doomed to get fucked. i fucking hate every motivational quote. IF YOURE CLEAN; BE FUCKING AFRAID OF EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT WILL SWALLOW YOU AS IF YOURE A GOLDEN LITTLE FISH AND ITS A SHARK. i have ideas, critics and opinions, that i dont dare to tell them to myself or to the people. because who the fuck am i to say anything. jerking off is my biggest problem in life and i couldnt solve it. i dont dare to vote for president. dont dare to tell my sister whats right. i live a life thats the closest thing you can imagine to hell. but its all in my head. im smily at work. smart at classes. miserable at nights on my bed. sometimes in my own filth. its like im always one step away from breaking into tears. but i never do. im afraid of owning a gun. "i wont kill myself." i say that to some close people that just think im depressed. maybe i am. obviously. i dont fucking no anymore. what do you do with a mess that is all over the place? you burn the house to the ground, or spend half of every remaining day of your miserable life to to keep it clean. cuz the filth is self-generating. and its in every corner that you cannot touch.if youre not a weak person like me, youre in luck. i envy every loser that i see. every person who deals with impulses like a rational being. how do you fucking do it? im a a very conscientious person, so I chose to give you some of my shit,so that i have contract like relationship with you. im gonna finish it, by saying that im gonna try, and im gonna try my hardest, because i took youre time. you read this, i respect you. sorry for saying i hate you, i probably didnt mean it. if you made it to here, i owe you, and out of respect im gonna keep this updated.