I Hate This Secret

My mum very nearly walked in on me browsing this forum just now, and it made me realise just how very ashamed of this whole situation I am. If I had waited another second to close the tab the beans would have been spilt.

I'm proud of how far I've come on this journey, how I've gone from using every day to being able to go months clean at a time. But, at risk of sounding angsty, I hate this secret, too. I hate how I can't tell anybody I know outside of this forum about my strife because they either wouldn't understand (really angsty, I know, but hear me out) and/or would let the secret get out and ruin me.

The only other person I know who confided in someone about their problem with porn essentially had their social life ruined because of it. It got out and now nobody really speaks to them anymore - they're considered an "outlier". So I'm terrified to tell any friends about this.

As for my parents, I trust them to tell nobody for sure - but honestly I don't want to disappoint them. My problem really isn't dissimilar from being a drug addict (in fact, it's almost identical - just easier to hide) and while I'm sure they'd be supportive they have no experience to base it off of and I can't help but think they would be disheartened that I would ever get into this situation.

I don't have an SO, and never have, and this also drives my feelings of loneliness. But I don't want to go search for a bottom-feeder of a woman (don't read too much into that word choice) just for company, either, that's how unhealthy relationships start.

Bottom line is, I feel alone on this journey. This forum really helps, you're all great people and I'm glad I've been able to transform the same set of monitors that once helped to fuck my life over into a regenerative force. But when it comes to face-to-face interactions, I don't think there's anyone I can tell without major consequence.

Spoiler: Comic Relief