I have a special fetish and It's turning my whole sexuality upside down

I just needed to get this off my chest and maybe start a discussion with people that face a similar problem. There is a lot of trigger words in here and it's very personal so please be patient with me. This is the first time I share the darker parts of this with anyone.

I'm, I would say 95% heterosexual. There is a certain type of male body that turns me on but I would never consider myself emotionally or romantically attached to another male. Kissing or loving a male is beyond me and drives me off very fast.

However, I have a weird fetish for as long as I can remember (even before porn I had a curiosity for it). I have a huge fetish for cum. Since I got more comfortable with it, I had some very nice moments with ladies that indulged into this with me. Over the years this interest spiraled into a very special taste in pornography. I almost exclusively jerked off to bukkake, gokkun and cum drinking pornography (mixed with some transwoman porn). Sure enough I got the idea that I would like to be on the receiving end, which led me to cum eating hypnos and the domination part of it.

Now, in a relationship with a female I'm without doubt the dominant part. I also read about and practise BDSM techniques with my ladies. This feels like the natural me, the man I want to be, practising the things that align with my values in a relationship.

However, there is this schism.

When my mind drifts off I catch myself fantasizing about being dominated by a man and treated like the "cum whores" I used to watch in porn. In the past, this lead me to conversations with dominant men and even webcam encounters. It was horrible. Every time I was done with a "show", I felt like an empty husk. Like someone just ripped the very soul of my body. But I kept doing it again and again. I deleted my accounts, changed my passwords to passwords I didn't know, tens of times. However, I kept coming back. The rush of dopamine and adrenaline indulging in this fantasy was insane. I'm talking about such intense releases that my head hurt afterwards and I had intense brain fog for the rest of the day.
This intense memory leads to insane urges where, when I thought about it, even my hand started shaking and I get totally mindless.

I hate it. I hate everything about it. I don't want to be this person. I want to be free of this addiction, which goes even beyond porn. I don't want to feel like this worthless, empty husk. I don't want to be dominated by a guy that in reality I find disgusting. I don't want to become a cum whore sissy, that's not who I fucking am and will ever be.

 

Thanks a lot for all the kind replies! Your words mean a lot to me. I agree that the only option is to cut the fetish stuff out and don't let it dictate my life. As @Saythatagain already said I'm already beyond the level where I need to accept this cum fetish. I'm not questioning my sexuality because of it and accepted it as part of me. The problem comes from the follow up thoughts and urges it leads to. I'm sure that with time I will become much better at controlling those and still accept myself!

 

Thanks again guys. I completely agree with @Longtime27 . There are basically only two options and only one of those aligns with my moral compass. I can only hope that treating the problem with mindfulness and kindness in addition to abstaining from porn, will reduce the urges to act out. I know that I will never be completely free of this, however already having the impulse to act under control would be more than enough. It's really inspiring to hear your words and makes me feel less like an abnormal anomaly.