I have achieved my goal...however i failed.

[Ayman.kas]

Well I achieved my goal. However, I cant help but feel so guilty and feel like it was all for naught in the aftermath.
Yep, that's right. I relapsed.
And...I realised something. During the period I was restraining myself I was full of joy. Energetic, upbeat, wide awake and constantly doing something. However when I relapsed I saw the difference. I stayed in bed for 2 days! doing what you say? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. On my phone, looking at Instagram, YouTube and Facebook. Looking at baseless content. And I didn't want to admit to myself that this was my fault. Now I did believe at one point it was all in my head and that was the problem. It was in my head. And I didn't know how to get it out.
I realised when I relapsed, I was thinking again about my ex. The constant negative thoughts and saying to myself why me? why me? And then the tears rolled down my face. The anger released. And the sadness overcame me again.

It was then I realised, I needed a break. I have decided to take a 1 week break from everything. As soon as I submit my final assessment for uni I will be going for a road trip for 1 week by myself. I need it.

But I also came to another realisation yesterday. You see last week, I asked my co-worker how to get back out there, how to talk to a girl. She basically said that depends on you, how you conduct yourself and what it is youre looking for. I realised when my ex left me, that during that time I was with her I was happy to have someone by my side. I know for a long time I did say independence was key first but I realised Ive always had that and that will never leave. I can go to the movies by myself, I can shop by myself, I've lived by myself and have done a lot of things by myself and it felt good at that time knowing I have the confidence to always have my own back and love myself. However, do I want to be like that forever? I realised I DO want a relationship. I DO want someone by my side. I DO want someone to just look into their eyes and be passionate for. I DO want someone to just talk to. I DO want someone.

When I realised that I felt a huge weight fall off my heart. It took me 3 months to admit this and I finally did. Problem is I don't know where to look?

Maybe I realised I needed to fail in order to come to this conclusion. Maybe it was meant to be. All I know is that I Do want a relationship and I would like to have someone to support and vice versa. I know I am a good person and I would love to have someone to share myself with.

Maybe I didn't really fail did I?

Sometimes I guess you need to take a step back to go 2 steps forward.

Where will I go forward from here?
And where are you?

 

[Deleted Account]

Lately, I relapsed, too. It was 4 days ago. I think it was one of the biggest mistakes I made in my life. I was on Day 41 (it was the third time I got there) and the erection convinced me that, if I do it, it would be right (I had that erection for 5 days). But it wasn‘t. Definitely not. That motivation I got in that 41 days is gone now.

I try to convince me the whole time, that it was the right thing to do. That I learned from it and that I should keep going like in that 41 days. But it won‘t work. Sometimes I feel a bit energy in my body, but it fades out quickly.

I just can‘t believe what I‘ve done to me...

 

[properWood]

Why do you need or want to have a girlfriend? Do you want someone else to make you happy? What if said girl has to go overseas with work from time to time, for several weeks? Would you not be happy when she's away? Would you want to be with someone that's unhappy if you pursue your career (put yourself in her shoes)?

I believe you're starting for the assumption that your default is unhappiness and that for support and to live happily you need someone else.

So I'd rather say that it is not your want, but rather a belief that you have built over time due to what others (society, parents, friends) say it is normal: to have a girlfriend. Then because of this belief you start finding reasons to make this belief take life. But it's only a belief, a want, a need that hides something. There's something else making you want someone else and I usually call it "emotional pain", what led you to be addicted to PMO, and it's usually created there from much much before, usually childhood.

When you were a child, you didn't stop playing because no friends were around. You probably picked up a toy and played with it. If another child came along, then a game would have been invented on the spot and you both would enjoy it. But if the other child had to leave, you'd then be back to your alone play, in your own world. Over time, though, you were conditioned to believe that being alone is not good, that you need the support of others and that you are not good enough; that comes from social media most likely.

My suggestion is to quit all social media and start creating a good relationship with yourself. Give yourself the support you need, the self-talk you expect from your best friend, the care you want someone else to have to you. Otherwise you'll come from a place of neediness and no decent girl will put up with it, only the "damaged goods" will (talking from personal experience).

I hope it helps!