Well I achieved my goal. However, I cant help but feel so guilty and feel like it was all for naught in the aftermath. Yep, that's right. I relapsed. And...I realised something. During the period I was restraining myself I was full of joy. Energetic, upbeat, wide awake and constantly doing something. However when I relapsed I saw the difference. I stayed in bed for 2 days! doing what you say? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. On my phone, looking at Instagram, YouTube and Facebook. Looking at baseless content. And I didn't want to admit to myself that this was my fault. Now I did believe at one point it was all in my head and that was the problem. It was in my head. And I didn't know how to get it out. I realised when I relapsed, I was thinking again about my ex. The constant negative thoughts and saying to myself why me? why me? And then the tears rolled down my face. The anger released. And the sadness overcame me again. It was then I realised, I needed a break. I have decided to take a 1 week break from everything. As soon as I submit my final assessment for uni I will be going for a road trip for 1 week by myself. I need it. But I also came to another realisation yesterday. You see last week, I asked my co-worker how to get back out there, how to talk to a girl. She basically said that depends on you, how you conduct yourself and what it is youre looking for. I realised when my ex left me, that during that time I was with her I was happy to have someone by my side. I know for a long time I did say independence was key first but I realised Ive always had that and that will never leave. I can go to the movies by myself, I can shop by myself, I've lived by myself and have done a lot of things by myself and it felt good at that time knowing I have the confidence to always have my own back and love myself. However, do I want to be like that forever? I realised I DO want a relationship. I DO want someone by my side. I DO want someone to just look into their eyes and be passionate for. I DO want someone to just talk to. I DO want someone. When I realised that I felt a huge weight fall off my heart. It took me 3 months to admit this and I finally did. Problem is I don't know where to look? Maybe I realised I needed to fail in order to come to this conclusion. Maybe it was meant to be. All I know is that I Do want a relationship and I would like to have someone to support and vice versa. I know I am a good person and I would love to have someone to share myself with. Maybe I didn't really fail did I? Sometimes I guess you need to take a step back to go 2 steps forward. Where will I go forward from here? And where are you?