I have an awful HOCD but I dislike males. Porn addicted and confused!

I am a 24 year old male, all my life I have felt in love with women, I love feminine features and I love how a pussy feels, and of course, the warmth. I have always fallen in love with girls but I have never had a gf, because I always get rejected because I am chubby. I started masturbating to porn really early, at 9, and I started with lesbian and hentai, mostly straight porn. Later, I saw a transex fucking a girl and got into that part of porn for many years. I have been watching trans porn for almost 10 years, and in that time I never felt any attraction to any male at all, I always thought girls are cute and that I love them, they smell good, they are soft and I love hugging and kissing them so much, I even had a boner for having a female friend that smelt so well.

The problem starts from some time ago, I got friendzoned by a girl that I loved so much and I have never felt any love again, although I had sex with some girls and one guy, I never felt love ANYMORE, in fact I lost all my female friends because of low self esteem and I feel like I am going to be rejected again. I always masturbated to girls and they always had a cock on my fantasies, but I never had anything for a single dude, even dudes that I thought that were handsome did not arouse me at all.

I think I watch transgender porn and sometimes gay porn because it made me feel a "forbidden" feeling that was very arousing, also I like to feel that I attract someone (and let´s be honest, gay dudes are way easier to attract if you are fat) I love looking at cocks but I dislike how they feel and smell and all that crap. Once I met a guy and blowed him, I was horny but I disliked the blowjob a lot and once I got fucked in the ass by a transgendered person and totally HATED it. I still like girls but I feel so anxious and I have so much HOCD sypmtoms. Never tried to stop watching porn tho. Someone got back to straight after all this odd stuff? I can´t picture myself with a man, it is impossible for me and I would not be rejected by my surroundings so fear is not the reason.

Someone here had a reboot and stopped with the gay stuff? Thanks in advance, I am totally desperate.

 

I got turned on, but I disliked the feeling. It was if I was doing a bad thing and that felt awesome

 

So perhaps quitting porn would make me feel love again? Would my sexual arousal for females get bigger? (I still like females,but I only get aroused with the kinkiest porn possible)

 

So you masturbated to odd porn? What kind of porn? It increased your attraction to females?

 

Gay/trans porn I meant, that was the odd porn you saw?

 

Someone else can give me a good opinion?

 

Hope we can recover,I always felt attracted by girls and never by guys and if it was like that naturally, I doubt I'm gay...

 

Thank you for your reply! The thing is when I see non-straight porn I get much more aroused and I got turned on by giving a blowjob once but at the same time I disliked the feeling of a cock in my mouth... it was like a hard thing but at the same time chewy neither I liked the taste. I didn't even let him cum... but what I am sure is that I don't like touching male bodies or stuff, not kissing,would not even fuck a male's ass or mouth. It is as if I was doing a bad thing and that felt hot. I always check my surroundings constantly when I see gay porn, I don't do that with hetero porn.

I just want to know if I will recover my arousal for women...although they still draw my attention in the street and some other places.

 

So you felt naturally attracted to them? Did you have crushes on guys? I had none, I never fancied men other than in porn. I always look to women and they draw my attention, I felt in love only with girls and never had a thought about a guy being cute. Even when I watch gay porn I dislike watching males, I just like the penises.

Could it be because I saw transgendered person porn for so long and at a really young age? Will that reboot back to normality?

I remember that I wanted to rim a girl because I thought it was hot to see it, tried it once and it disgusted me a lot so...