So my name is Marko Vukman im 29 from croatia. Im usong my real name and location because i dont give a damn about anything anymore. Where to begin. I have been suffering from depression for sometime now a few years. Never wanted to go to get profisionale help because i know everything they will say and will not tale anti depressions because i dont want to live in a bubble of false happines rather it hurt atleast it real. I live in a shitty country with shitty people. I feel my life has no future no light at the end of the tunnel. So lets begin Work I have a college degree in turistic managment. If i knew what i k ow now i would have gotton a degree in enginering or programming but i was a dumb kid and my mom pushed buissness school down my throat. Croatia is a beautifull country to visit but a shit cointry to live in. I wont get into the corrup goverment or the hige amount of lazy assholes who dont want to work and get money from the goverment. The croation owners want ypu to work long hours do everything . A raise yeah the word does not ecsit in this country. You work 16 hour days you get paid 8 if yoi dont like it we have a huge unemploymnet line someone else will do it even for less. So are base pay is atleast decent. Well a few owners do give you a good base pay but they are like 5 percent the rest kust sell ypu bs stpries about family and friendship and when work begins you are just a tird on their boot.The dalmation cost where i love you are lucky if you can get a job for a full year. I feel that in work choices i alsways keep makong the wrong descion. Every job i take i do mpre and more work but i keep gaing less and less money. The big hotel i worked at which promosed me a reao job all year paod all their workers peanuts . We bring in wprkers from the phillipines not because they are better but because you pay them 1/5 of what you wpuld pay croation workers and the owners ha e the balls to say their are no good workers in this country. That is why the majority of people move to germany or ireland. Lets continue Last year i was acfulae a hotel manager i ran everyzhing and quit lucrative if i may say so. Made more money cut their expensies and what did it get me . The sons owner calling me and threating me over the phone. All the money they make they waste on drugs and whores . After his son stabbed himself because he got into a argument with his father the father goes oit and buys the son a 400000 kn car while i make the same pay as the cleaning lady. And the whole corona virus yep good buy work this year. Love. The only thing that i care about in this world is love the only thing that i want is a loving caring trans women that loves me and that i love her. Key word trans. Who is interested can read my other posts will not explain here. I dont care about materiale crap and the such only about love. Jesus christ i had my heart broken more times then messi has scored a goal. I finally met a trans women that i felt pure teue love towarda her well guess hot that turned out. Also i live in croatia . The trans women i meet are turists. I know maybe 3 croation trans women 2 are bat shot crazy and sell their bodies and one cut of her penis so im not sexuale attrcted to her. The rest are just gay guys who dress in women cloathing. Im afraid i will end up alone and die alone. Friends What friends. People i have know for years where are they know i dpnt care hope most of them are dead. I was their for them qhen he had a drinking prob when another had a gambling prob when you girl gave the wrong pills to a eldery women in a home and killed her. Where are they when i needed thwm no where. It has been 3 years and not one person picked up the phone to evwn wish me a happy birthday. Side note i went to college qith thia one guy i will say was a ex friend. Je works as a event manager in a hotel and has a wofe qho adores him amd a child. He does not deserve shit. Their was this women i was sleeping with and she showed me messages from him asking and begging for sex while his wife was pregnet . I know more people like that and they live a good life when is it my tuen. Family. Where to begin When my hrandmother feom my fathers side dies we will trow a party noone will miss her and i mean noone that old bitch. 75 years old she will live another 15 years fuck. I came out to my family that i like trans and i like dick mostly because of my ex which is till lobe to this day and want to marry her. I also thought that a family will stand by their kid was i wrong. In croatia if you are gay that is a sin. My neoghbour who is i think 26 has a drug prob and loan sharks came to his house and beat his dad because his son owed him money but me who spends his time in the gym or working or reading books is the bad kid because i like cock. My grandmother the one we all want to die told my father he is a dissapoinment as a father and used my dead uncles memory to black mail that i should have kids because im the last vukman. I never wanted to have kids and if i did i would hate the kod the mother and my family because of it. No child deserves that. But my dad will not abandon me but he is not 0leased with it. I inderstamd but what bugs me the wrong way is i sadi multiple times that i want to koll myslef and honestly i want to but because of my no quit attidude i keep takimg what life throws at me and keep getting up (but no more) amd after all that they only care how this will affect them how it will look of people know i like cock. Ypu know what no one cares half the city all ready saw me go out on dates and dinners with trans women. You have a son who is in paon amd all ypi can do is fight among ypirsleves you disvuat me. What about the rest of my family. I dont even go to family dinners anymore because i cant stand them. If i try to say my opinion im called stupid young inexperinced and so on so i just gave up. I have uncle on my moms sided who is a coplete asshole. He inherted my grandfathers company because he was his son . And my dad and the other workers insult and make fun of him behind his back but it is okay because he has a son i dont know qjen was the last tome he talked to his son but yeah. The only person that i respect and lo e in my camily is my grandmother from my mothers side. That women would love me if i even killed a man let alone that im gay. Most of yoi would say mo e and honestly i am planning on that. Will mo e to thailamd or pbillipine or vietnam i know some trans women down their who want me and i would teach english and would do vam sex on the side woth thwm to make good money down their to libe like a kimg. Just i would love to have the support of my family. Of something happens that i can always fall back on them but if i leave i know i will never be welcomed back again. You know when you are young yoir family says they will kick you out when you 18 but now all i hear why would you leave you have a job and the family buissnes . I know i dont have it like kids in afraic. I will always have a job a roof over my head and food on the table bit really is that all to life. Things that i am interested in do not exsit where i live. No book clubs no steongman gyms no out dpr activites only bars restaurants and hotels. I have to drive 4 hours one way to the capital city if i want something like that. And dont even say move to zagreb . To buy a flat here you have to give a arm and a leg to get a cheap shit flat. No wonder after malta we are the second country in the world where the kids still live with thwir parents and the pay is shit. Also i know people from norway who do my job and they make enough money to travel 2 -3 times a year and live woth a friend in a flat for fick sake.so yeah i have a job and a roof but no friends no places to do my hobbies no love must keep my mputh shut when around my family so we dont get into a argument so really i just fucking gave up. Their is more but i cant remeber if i do i will add to this. I write this to geg some shit of my chest amd honestly i feel alittel better bit it is a temporaly feeling. I habe never asked for a hand out or for spmeones pity i just ask for a littel luck thrown my way. Honestly the only thing i want in life is for my ex to reach out to me say she loves me and i will quit my job amd my family and move in with her.