I have potentially ruined my life

I

IWantToFlyHigh

Fapstronaut
For years I've struggled with porn. I think I started watching porn around 12-15yo and I'm now 25. In the past I had a thing where I was on kik sharing porn with other users. Things were finally getting on track until today. Well I was drinking a lot of alcohol yesterday so today I was really hangover and usually I get the urge to watch in the mornings.

Not only did I PMO I also made kik again and tried to buy custom porn from strangers. At the time I knew it was extremely risky, but the urge was stronger. I sent money to 3 people with an "anonymous" payment app and now I believe that I got scammed. Now I'm scared for my life that if they were to find my information of who I am and blackmail me for keeping this info as a secret.

Also recently I started to date this gorgeous girl that I have to be honest have fallen love with. I started to watch less porn when we started dating and I'm not necessarily scared of her finding out about my addiction, but I'm scared about the things I've done if it were to come out somehow. There is a lot of stupid stuff I've done. Nothing illegal, but it would most likely destroy all of my social life and I doupt I can live with that.

This is a rant and I don't have anything else to ask or say, but it would mean a lot for me if you did leave a comment or something of what should I do etc... Thank you for reading this!
 
Thank you for leaving a post, man. I know how difficult it is to control my urges after binge drinking so I empathize with you. When under the influence/withdrawal/negative state from any drug, my chances of relapse always used to increase. That is why I cannot recommend staying sober/controlling your drug intake enough, preferably to small doses. It did miracles for me, pushing me in the right direction.

I understand that telling your past/things that you are ashamed of to someone who recently came into your life, and is important to you is difficult. If all goes well, however, I would suggest telling the person at a certain point in the future. Keeping secrets from the closest ones always does more harm than good.

Anyway, I wish you good luck on your journey!
 
I have been there mate, being terrified that you have somehow exposed yourself and that everyone will find out. It's just anxiety taking over and making you think of the worst possible outcome. Try to put it out of your mind and use it to motivate yourself to abstain. Also confiding in someone you fully trust not to judge you is supposedly the best way to heal the fear and anxiety you feel.
 
You'll prob be fine. Kick the drugs/alcohol, it will ruin you forever if you plan on healing from sexual addiction. It's common sense that intoxication lowers your inhibitions, no one has to make this argument with you. Make your choice, do you want to be well or not? As for the relationship, you're gonna have to let her know. I went on a couple dates with a girl, decided it was gonna get serious. Date #3, I made the move to cook dinner for us and tell her my story. That was a year and a half go. In 3 months, this girl and I are getting married. I've let my addiction ruin a previous marriage before, and I've seen it ruin other relationships. Love is hard enough as it is, you owe every lover nothing less than honesty, transparency, accountability, vulnerability, courage, etc. etc., because without those things, there will be no trust; and without trust, there will be no relationship. Part of growing up and being a man is accepting your losses and learning how to live honestly and openly and soberly, one day you'll be a hero for your past and you'll be wearing your wounds as a badge of honor. It's never gonna be too late to quit or to change. Just do it sooner than later, or hit rock bottom harder, or else the harder it will get. Would you rather wake up in 5 years from now and have a real future on the horizon or be a broke loser cuck with PIED? Join a support group, seek a therapist, make new friends, go to the gym, eat right, find a hobby, make your peace with God, with others, clean up your life, and don't look back. Good luck, king
 
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DexterousWombat said:
I have been there mate, being terrified that you have somehow exposed yourself and that everyone will find out. It's just anxiety taking over and making you think of the worst possible outcome. Try to put it out of your mind and use it to motivate yourself to abstain. Also confiding in someone you fully trust not to judge you is supposedly the best way to heal the fear and anxiety you feel.
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It could also be that I've just sent some money and that's all they wanted from me, but too early to say. It is pretty easy to trace who sent money to whom even with those "anonymous" payment apps.

I always thought that I could leave my porn addiction to the past and get along with life without needing to remember it again, but seems like these relapses sometimes manage to get worse!

The relationship is pretty new and I'm not sure if I'm ready to tell her something so personal. I mean I do not keep any other secrets than this, but I've never told about this addiction to anyone except a few therapists that used to visit in the past and my parents. Should I tell her right away about my addiction and this relapse I had or can I wait to get to know her better what do you think?
 
Asdor22 said:
Thank you for leaving a post, man. I know how difficult it is to control my urges after binge drinking so I empathize with you. When under the influence/withdrawal/negative state from any drug, my chances of relapse always used to increase. That is why I cannot recommend staying sober/controlling your drug intake enough, preferably to small doses. It did miracles for me, pushing me in the right direction.

I understand that telling your past/things that you are ashamed of to someone who recently came into your life, and is important to you is difficult. If all goes well, however, I would suggest telling the person at a certain point in the future. Keeping secrets from the closest ones always does more harm than good.

Anyway, I wish you good luck on your journey!
Click to expand...

You are right although the relationship is pretty new still so I will try to wait unless the worst happens. Although what do you feel like would be the right time to tell in your opinion?
 
Life_of_Socrates_777 said:
You'll prob be fine. Kick the drugs/alcohol, it will ruin you forever if you plan on healing from sexual addiction. It's common sense that intoxication lowers your inhibitions, no one has to make this argument with you. Make your choice, do you want to be well or not? As for the relationship, you're gonna have to let her know. I went on a couple dates with a girl, decided it was gonna get serious. Date #3, I made the move to cook dinner for us and tell her my story. That was a year and a half go. In 3 months, this girl and I are getting married. I've let my addiction ruin a previous marriage before, and I've seen it ruin other relationships. Love is hard enough as it is, you owe every lover nothing less than honesty, transparency, accountability, vulnerability, courage, etc. etc., because without those things, there will be no trust; and without trust, there will be no relationship. Part of growing up and being a man is accepting your losses and learning how to live honestly and openly and soberly, one day you'll be a hero for your past and you'll wearing your wounds as a badge of honor. It's never gonna be too late to quit or to change. Just do it sooner or later, or hit rock bottom harder, or else the harder it will get. Would you rather wake up in 5 years from now and have a real future on the horizon or be a broke loser cuck with PIED? Join a support group, seek a therapist, make new friends, go to the gym, eat right, find a hobby, make your peace with God, with others, clean up your life, and don't look back. Good luck, king
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I get what you mean 100%. Alcohol is hard to quit for me although I guess I have no choice now!

Our thing is serious although I do not feel comfortable enough to tell about my addiction yet. Should I wait until we are more serious like maybe 1 month, 3 months? Or should I do this straight away? Congrats for finding your dream girl and getting married with her!!!.

Are there any good free support groups that I could join? I've been in one many years ago, but I quite it at some point.
 
IWantToFlyHigh said:
You are right although the relationship is pretty new still so I will try to wait unless the worst happens. Although what do you feel like would be the right time to tell in your opinion?
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I believe that is very individual. I think that what @Life_of_Socrates_777 recommended is a piece of really good advice. Once the relationship gets serious and you see a future with your partner, the time will have come.
 
IWantToFlyHigh said:
The relationship is pretty new and I'm not sure if I'm ready to tell her something so personal. I mean I do not keep any other secrets than this, but I've never told about this addiction to anyone except a few therapists that used to visit in the past and my parents. Should I tell her right away about my addiction and this relapse I had or can I wait to get to know her better what do you think?
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I'm not saying to tell your girlfriend. I am saying you should find someone you trust and that wont judge you to share the details with. This was what my own therapist told me to do when I was in a similar situation to you. Honestly, I might have been projecting a little, but I thought it was worth suggesting as I related a lot to your post.
 
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Meetings here

When to tell your girlfriend? I wouldn't say anything until you are certain that both of you are on the verge of making plans for the future. But even so, I'd consider waiting until you get your "problem" under control. Do you plan on getting married? Having kids?

In general, if you're serious about a long-term relationship, like an adult, then you are gonna have to become experts on communication. It takes a set of special virtues to keep love alive, even without addiction. With addiction at play, you will most likely have to go through counseling at some point.

If I had to do it over again, I'd have postponed my previous engagement until I knew that I achieved real sexual health, self-mastery, maturity, etc. After my divorce, it took 2-3 years of deep introspection, learning about trauma, attachment styles, personal psychology, growth in health and wellness, developing good habits, forging wholesome relationships, etc., before I would even consider offering my life to another person. Obviously you're not engaged, but this is the type of shit I'd be addressing now as a person playing the field if you expect to be marriage material, or even serious long-term material. You owe your person the best version of yourself. When it becomes clear that you and she are prepared to take it to the next level, then take my advice and ask each other every single possible question under the sun, leave no stone unturned, and do not ignore the red flags. At this point, there's nothing that my fiancée does not know about me; and I can say the same of her (not including the unknown future.) But there are no surprises, no secrets between us, we have 100% security, and it has made for a VERY happy courtship, and we are positive that we are setting ourselves up for a lifetime of commitment. I'm certain that I wouldn't have a chance with this girl if I were still burning my synapses away. May you find it now. If your girl loves you back, then she'll wait for you. But you'd better go be a hero while you still can. Check out the Gottman Institute for more resources. Mary Jo Rapini is also a good resource. Free on YouTube.
 
Hey man. Similar feelings been going through me the past months. A few years back, when I was under the influence of multiple substances I called a girl that I've been calling anonymous a few times. I thought I was calling anonymous again, but I wasn't. Next morning I got a text, about informing the police (which they didn't) and later she blocked me.... and so did her friends... I was afraid. It is indeed the feeling of a destroyed social life. However, time heals. And I think to us it probably is a bigger deal than it is for them, or the girls you've paid. I think you're fine man. And I think time especially heals if you keep on abtaining from those or similar activities. I wouldnt tell the girl you're dating with now though. Just get on the right track. Good luck man!
 
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