To be honest, I don't really know... Do I have one? But there is something within me that just yells that something was wrong. I just want to share this with you guys. I really want to, cause I want to change so bad... I just can't sit still no more! It started in my family, I think. My mother: Has always been very sensitive, loving and just wholesome human being. She never could say no, to this day she is the nicest human being I know. She is a real mother. The best mother. My father: ...I don't even know. I guess I will start with positive side, cause there's not much to say. When he is drunk, he is nice. He can be really kind-hearted, give me or mother some money to spend. He's not an evil human being, he is not bad in general... It's just that... I don't think he ever has loved me. Or he might as well not have the best way of showing it. When I was just born - he loved me a lot, my mom says. He would always be happy when I was around, he would always give me time and attention. Then I turned 5 and... It started changing. Why? I have no idea. Even mom doesn't know. He would just constantly yell at me for small shit. If butter would fall from knife while I'm making an sandwich or something - he would turn red and start calling me lame, how I'm just an failure, how I should run to mom and tell it to her and cry about it. Cause you know, that's what I did. I've always been actually sensitive, it's just that time has killed my sensitivity. I can laugh around people, but it feels so hard for me to showcase any emotions. I can't even tell my mother I love her. I really love her, it's just that... I don't know how. I don't feel like there is any love within me. Father never did beat me. Maybe 1 or 2 times. Probably deserved it, but what scared the living shit out of me was him yelling. I think I've even pissed myself because I knew he is going to run in and just yell at me, tell me some nasty crap and just leave me there helpless. Problems amplified when they started drinking. He's been drinking for years, while mother... She used to have a glass of wine maybe once in a little while. But then she started drinking, and 8 year old me had lost his only someone. She was still there, but it was different. I hated it. I hate alcohol even now because of it. I drink, yes... And that scares me the most. I don't want to even think about drinking once more. Their drinking was pathetic. Father could kind of keep himself together, but rarely, while mother just went off. She never liked the taste, she just drank to be drunk. She would throw up, start yelling at us both, throwing stuff and just laying in bed and release her anger towards the world. She was mad, mad as hell. She said things I don't want to quote here. Yet I knew - she still loved me... But that sober mother was lost somewhere in the past. I could see myself waving goodbye to that smiling face, that unscarred pure creature. Now there was just heavy drinking mother, who hated her husband who was an absolute piece of shit sometimes. He even wanted her to go to the jail because of shit he did. He did not want to go to jail, so he pointed finger at my mother. She was a part of it, because she really wanted some money so she could get things for me as I was... Unborn yet. I was in her still. He wanted mother with a kid sit behind the bars. Sometimes I'm looking at that guy and I just think - how is he okay with being himself? How the fuck is that asshole okay with that? I just can't, man... I know the way this goes is really chaotic. I'm sorry. I've never been a person that is capable of putting everything perfectly in shelfs. But fuck it. School. I was never a alpha kid. I was not from a rich family as you could guess. I changed like 5 schools, maybe even six, don't remember. In school there was this thing called peer pressure. Someone's parents were rich - so he got all the attention and love. So I wanted the same shit. I wanted to be loved. At home I didn't get too much love. I knew my mother loves me, but she was just drunk or I was just too bitter already to talk with her about it. I felt left alone, really. So now you know - at home there is mother who is not stable. She might as well commit suicide and father... Who just does not give a fuck. I never gave any fucks if he was away. Fuck it, man. I was happy if he was not home for at least one night. I just never knew how to love such a guy. And school... They just love to laugh at you, because you're different. Your humor is different, your clothes ain't shit - you're just a poor kid, weak and alone. Easiest target. There's just too much to remember. Sure, bright moments also - not gonna ignore those - but all in all I felt like shit because of how my inner bitterness had affected me. I was lost. I had probably like 0 hobbies, interests or anything. All I did - I listened to music and thought how I will commit suicide at 27 just like Kurt Cobain cause "it seemed so cool" Idea of death attracted me, because there I wouldn't have to face all that shit. My mother laying with bleeding nose, my father claiming that he never had done shit to her and me... Just sitting. Just crying. They would yell at each other and all I could do is just run in my tiny room if I had one. But I wasn't secure there. I heard everything. Him yelling, her crying. Him yelling more, her crying. And me, being so connected to my mother - crying. I cried like a little bitch for hours. I hated everyone. I hated rich kids, I hated the ones that had better grades than me. I hated teachers that did not accept me. I hated everyone who didn't love me. I hated the world. I just loved music and being alone. We kept on changing places of living and... Here comes the probably worst part. My trauma was never healead. My mother stopped drinking, my father became little bit different. As he is getting older... He is just weirder with everyday. He drinks, yes, but... He is more peaceful when drunk. But depends on what he drinks. Sometimes he just grabs bottle of vodka, drinks 3 or 4 shots ... And then it starts again. Yells at my mother. He yells, she cries. I get mad, yell at him and sometimes spit out stuff that I maybe shouldn't... Like how I hate him and how I wish he never was my father. Some might say it's okay that is over. Well, you're looking at things very shallow my friend. That trauma is there. It was never talked about until maybe now. And I hate myself. I sometimes can just get so angry I want to cry. It just collects up in me and I just want to beat someone up, I want to beat myself up, I want to destroy things. I have no love. I just go red, start tearing up and I just want to rip everything apart. But I just want to love someone, really. I want to once again tell my mother how I love her. I want this girl to know that I actually like her. I don't care if she will reject me. I don't. I just care to share my feelings, but I cant. I don't know how. It's gone somewhere.... In the past. Please tell me - what should I do? I don't have any therapy available now around me, as far as I know. Is there any other way to get it out of myself? And please... Don't tell me to talk to my father about it. I just can't. As soon as I will start he will just not want to do it. He will turn away from it. I can forgive him from within. I really can! But I don't want to talk with him about it. It's way too painful. Please, help. Thanks for reading.