I hope I am welcome here, but my boyfriend needs help and I don’t know what to do.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Hannah12269, Apr 6, 2018.

  1. Hannah12269

    Hannah12269 Fapstronaut

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    Sissy Porn.

    My boyfriend is in to sissy porn, and that’s not all.

    Before we start this, I want to say that I have no intention on leaving my boyfriend. He is the most positive influence in my life, but I’m truly scared for him after learning how dangerous sissy porn and the lifestyle that comes with it is. I don’t now know what to do. I have no idea what I should be doing to help him or support him. Sometimes, he tells me that he hates that he likes this. That he hates himself. Other times, he tells me he loves it.

    Before I begin, this post mag be VERY triggering. I’m sorry for that.

    He told me his story about a year ago. He had a girlfriend— we’ll call her Sue —that slowly brought him into this world. First, a finger. Then, a little further; toys, a funny little kink she was hiding, etc. Then, she added on the layers— I’m not sure of the order. Panties, trans porn, strapons, Gay porn, asking to have threesomes with men (that never happened), feminization, all leading up to full on sissy hypno. She was truly a monster. She took pleasure out of systematically braking him, and bragged about how she loved to do it to boyfriends. She used illegal methods to alter his state of mind, but I don’t have to tell you guys that. I’m not a violent person. I’ve never committed a crime.

    If I had the chance, I’d kill this woman. Maybe I wouldn’t. I don’t know. But I’ve never felt that way about anyone before.

    Anyway, they broke up, obviously. I don’t know what happened in the time in between her and me, but I’m not sure he ever truly shook the habit. He’s deep down the tumblr rabbit hole. He’s trolled chatrooms and message boards. He, doing one of the hardest things he’s every done in his life, told me all of this. He expressed his need for it, and hoped I would be on board with trying to experiment with him. Strapons, and eventually, the entire sissy/mistress thing. I’m not vanilla, but I couldn’t help but feel like there was something dangerous about what it all was, especially after hearing him talk about his his ex did it. Still, I’m a supportive girlfriend, so I tried.

    His insecurity about it is what led us to where we are now. He felt like I wasn’t into it, interested, or liked it at all. How could I, he thought. He felt, and still feels, a thick layer of shame about the entire idea of sissydom, and he stared talking to a mistress on Snapchat. He sent her pictures, talked to her, got his fix elsewhere. When I found out, we had another long talk. In a way, I somehow understood. I felt hurt, and cheated on, but something just told me that this wasn’t about me at all. This was— it still is —something way deeper. Since I’m here, I obviously didn’t leave him. I love him. I’m trying to support him, but I don’t know how to do it.

    I saw a sissy recovery group on reddit ironically when I was looking for a support group to help accept a significant other’s kinks. Funny, huh? After reading story after story, they all started to sound the same; vulnerable, impressionable, and manipulated. I saw how dangerous sissydom was, and how horrible and damaging the hypno was. I was terrified. I’m still terrified, and I don’t know what to do.

    So I told him about it. I told him, “I support you no matter what. We’re in this together, but did you know there’s a way to recover?” I asked him to hear me out and keep an open mind.

    He isn’t ready to give it up. He feels like he just convinced me to explore with him.

    I don’t even know what to say after that. Someone, please help me help him. I know, I know. You can’t help someone that doesn’t want it. But how can I stand by if what happened to him is truly damaging? It would be one thing if he did it on his own... but someone used techniques designed to break him down and reprogram him to hurt him. He feels like this is truly who he is and being a sissy is a part of him, and I don’t know if that’s true or not. What do I do? What CAN I do. I love my boyfriend. I’m going to marry him. I just don’t want to hurt him by supporting something that I maybe shouldn’t be. Someone, please help me out here.


    Edit:
    A little background. I’m 28, and my boyfriend and I have been living together for a year now. We’ve known each other for the longest time; since we were children.
     
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2018
  2. Hannah, I'll move your post to the Partner Support section where you can get advice and help from many others in your situation.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  3. Hannah12269

    Hannah12269 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. I appreciate you guiding me to the right place
     
  4. Welcome - so glad you're here.

    If you haven't already come across them, please search for these users. You'll find their experience and support invaluable.

    numb
    AnonymousAnnaXOXO
    GG2002
    Jagliana

    This is the link to the section of the site where partners of porn addicts support each other. Maybe start a thread there. The users I mentioned earlier are often around there.

    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?forums/significant-other-journals.107/

    Sorry you're going through a lot just now.

    "Everything will be alright in the end... If everything's not alright, it's not yet the end."

    Take care, and please reach out to the community if you need something.
     
    EyesWideOpen, Jagliana and Kenzi like this.
  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Welcome to the forums!
    I am surprised that you haven't had any responses yet.... But honored I got to be the first SO.
    of course you are welcome.
    Please feel free to ask any questions you may have,
    And read in the SO journal section or start one of your own.
    Does your PA have a account yet?
    Are u in therapy?
    Is he?
    What else are you doing for reboot?
    I Hope you are well otherwise,
    -Kenzi
     
    GG2002 likes this.
  6. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    In my signature there is a resources thread. I am glad you realize this isn't about you, that is one of the toughest hurdles for SO's to get over.
     
    Maninsearchofasoul likes this.
  7. Hannah12269

    Hannah12269 Fapstronaut

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    This is the very beginning of the journey for me, and his own personal one hasn’t even started yet. We’re not in therapy. He doesn’t have an account. He doesn’t seem to think anything is wrong, and he feels like he can’t go back. Not fully. He feels like being traditional once in a blue moon, but he said the feeling is rare.

    I tried to bring it up today after posting this. I said, “I need to make sure that this isn’t dangerous for you. I’ve been reading online and it’s says everywhere how damaging sissy hypno can be. I just don’t want to hurt you.”

    He told me to stay off the internet.

    I’m at a loss, dude.
     
  8. Hannah12269

    Hannah12269 Fapstronaut

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    Like I’m afraid that if I participate, that I’ll just be hurting him further but if I don’t I’ll just lose him completely.
     
  9. Hannah12269

    Hannah12269 Fapstronaut

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    That felt like the easiest part for me, and I couldn’t say why. Maybe because this is something he’s expressed guilt and a bit of hate for in occasion too. I just... I know he didn’t chose it. Someone conditioned him, and that just feels so wrong.
     
  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    He can't tell you to stay off the internet

    He can't restrict like that, if he won't admit he has a problem and is willing to change.
    Me and @AnonymousAnnaXOXO have resources to help in our signatures.
    Please read... And yes, sissy porn is dangerous.
    Also... @Jamie_K_ can help you more than me on the specific questions you have regarding this type of porn.
    Please send her a message.
    I'd advise you to both participate in reboot and seek local therapy
     
  11. Hannah12269

    Hannah12269 Fapstronaut

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    I appreciate your advice so much. Honestly, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s not that my life has been easy, it’s just... I’ve never had something like this happen to me or someone I love before. This is next level shit. Hypnosis. Grooming. Conditioning. I don’t know how to battle that without him turning on me.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  12. Hannah12269

    Hannah12269 Fapstronaut

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    He’s not quite restricting me as he’s just trying to see me not so upset. He doesn’t want all of the information to stress me out or overwhelm me.

    I’ll definitely send her a message. I guess my main fear is that if I don’t indulge him a little, it’ll ruin our relationship. I don’t want to feed this if it’ll hurt him further, but I don’t want him to seek things elsewhere either. How do I deal with someone that’s been conditioned to think there’s nothing wrong with him?
     
  13. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I think I am clueless on this. What makes it dangerous?

    Hannah, I'm sorry you guys are in this spot. I hope he changes his tune and sees what you are trying to show him.
     
  14. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Hey Hannah,

    I'm sorry that you have to go through this. All forms of PA/SA is really though on the significant other. IF you are willing to be there for him, support him through it - it will be easier for him and be rewarding (in recovery) for you. It takes a lot out of you though, super stressful but before you can do anything... he has to be ready acknowledge that he has a problem, an addiction and WANT to get help beating it. Otherwise, he will keep going back to it and your heart will keep breaking.

    He should join this community, get an accountability partner, start a counter and a journal, where he'd write in daily. It will motivate him to keep going, especially when the community jumps in to support him as well.

    If you need to talk, feel free to private message me.
     
  15. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Thanks. Do you (or anyone) now if it is just the content of the P? Like what they are watching or does the hypnosis part mean something?
     
  16. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    The hypnosis makes the o part different
    And the o internal and not from external stimulus.
    It's super bad
     
  17. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    That does make sense, thank you, that is a good visual. I know how P affects the brain, I just wasn't sure how this type of P ewas different.

    Oh I didn't know about the O part, interesting!
     
  18. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Yeah

    Even I leave it alone.
     
  19. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Hello and welcome to a group if you are anything like me you never knew existed yet alone that you would be part of. I was clueless about PMO addiction until I got engaged to an addict. A few things. First you must put yourself first. In everything I read you are concerned so much about him, put yourself first because guess what? He’s putting himself first. Next you can’t help an addict who does not want to be helped. I wish I could write this 20 Times because it’s so important. An addict who does not even see this as a problem is even harder to reach. Normally I would commend him for being honest with you but I suspect he had an ulterior motive, he wants you to engage in his fetish with him, so he revealed it, his past and all so that he could act out the fantasy with you, not because he’s an honest guy and wants help. Otherwise he would get help and admit it’s a problem. Absolutely do not engage in any sex acts you don’t want to. PMO addicts have a sneaky way of trying to guilt the SO into things by holding the “I will PMO if you don’t over him.”in my case it made me feel like I had to have sex whenever he wanted or risk him PMOing don’t fall for that. Don’t take out all your anger on his ex. It’s not her fault. Unless he was a child and see an adult he made his choices. If she drugged him to get him to do things then why did he keep seeing her and doing it? Why did he not file charges. I’m sorry I don’t believe his Story I suspect either it’s made up or he did it willingly. It’s also a way of not accepting blame for his addiction. Oh it’s not my fault she made me and now I’m screwed up and can’t stop it’s her fault, nope it’s not even if 100 percent of what he said is true, don’t fall for this. Lastly you stay on NoFap, you get your own counseling and speak to some of the ladies on here who have been in longer relationships they know more, I left my ex and we were not together that long. You say you don’t want to leave and I respect that but he’s not willing to change. So you can hope if he has some more time he will change but ultimately you wiii have to accept him as he is or leave. And your anger that’s normally. I was totally in control before I found out. I literally went nuts and started screaming and flipping out like never ever before. Hugs.
     

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