I hope this works...

Hey people

I'm new to this, so I'm not sure how to place disclaimers and alerts, please let me know if I need to fix any of the following.

I'm 25/F/Aus...

And now that I think about it, I wrote it in that format because I learned it from online chatting forums about sex/roleplay. A bit not good.

I've been using porn since maybe 12? 13? I do remember so clearly what started it (possible trigger alerts). My family used to go camping every holiday. A lot of campsites have laundromats with reading material. I was (am?) a massive bookworm as a kid, read everything I could get my hands on. So I started reading this book left in the laundromat... I still remember the title and the author over a decade later. It can essentially be classed as a very mild, vanilla, romance story. I laugh now thinking about how little it took to flip my switch back then compared to what it takes now. It blew my mind, I was addicted to that feeling immediately. I was an A+ student, competing state-level at multiple sports, and a great all-rounder. But as I became more and more addicted and obsessed with the feeling porn gave me, I started investing all my time and energy into it. My grades fell, I quit sports, I quit choir, band, youth group, all my obligations. I became depressed. Couldn't manage a simple conversation with guy friends.

It was crazy, I'd gone from having all the potential in the world, to nothing. I was constantly tired from staying up so late to read more, watch more, feel more. I couldn't relate to my friends and family as well... I was apathetic to life. So after I produced a dismal result from schooling, I went into a Bachelor of Nursing, and dropped out after a year because I felt no attachment to it. I did casual, menial work until I finally found the wherewithal and endurance to do another Bachelor, this time in Health Science. I'm so grateful I'm in my final semester, that I even made it here. But throughout all of this, I still struggle so badly with apathy, motivation, and feelings of despair at my own behaviour as the content I consume escalates in a way that I despise myself.

So last night... it happened again. I was kinda good for a while (good being that I was only consuming somewhat ethical porn (I know, questionable at best)) but then it just escalated so rapidly out of nowhere to the stuff that I hate. Like I needed it to get what I wanted. Even though I know I will feel so awful and horrible in the days afterwards. This isn't the first time, and I don't want to feel this way again. I want a healthy relationship with my sexuality, not whatever this is. So I decided I need to quit. I want to reboot. I want to get back to healthy.

So starting today, I'm going to go without PMO for 90 days. Then I'll reassess at the end of that time. I hope I can make it 90 days... I've never tried this before.

I'd love someone's help keeping me accountable? I'm not sure how that works. I'll give this journaling thing ago... I'll try for daily. But I gotta say, ever since I became addicted, I have terrible follow-through.

Anyways, I'm super grateful there is a community for this out there, so thank you.

I hope this works.

 

Thanks DK, I want to go cold turkey for 90 days, and then I'll look into that suggestion. Cheers.