i just can't give up, because this isnt who i am....

hey guys,
so I'm writing this to start over again and journal myself. so I started watching porn when im just a 12 year old boy going through images. And i became aware of my porn addiction in 2019 i was so consumed by it, it left me broken after a break up with my girlfriend. it affected my confidence, lowered my self esteem, even my persona. all these issues led me into social anxiety, depression. I was so sexually driven I've had sexual encounters with both men and women which made me question my sexuality. I was young and unaware of the situations, I was just living for the pleasures. until I joined nofap in 2019.

through nofap i learned alot of stuff about myself, i became aware of my HOCD condition. porn had changed me a lot, my views on the world that it made me watch stuff that's really deep down the hole. and im here fighting for myself. because that's not who i am, and i want to develop myself and be the better version of myself. there have been times when i was feeling destroyed down to the core. i started NoFap and went the longest of 78 days until i relapsed again. and i learned about chaser effect but i still hadn't gained much awareness of it until my recent one which was 25 days.

there are times i feel extremely lonely, and always going through covers to hide myself of all the pain when talking to my friends, family, people. and constantly judging myself, i feel as if im not comfortable with who i am. i want to feel comfortable in my own shoes,
i try to be this perfect individual that im not, and im still searching for myself. reinventing myself. i just want to help myself of these personality issues.

im still learning, on my path to recovery. i want knowledge and ways to battle my addiction and be proud of the myself. as above mentioned of my recent 25 day nofap, im afraid of getting back into my cycle or basically getting the chaser effect. i want to join an accountability group so i could daily journal myself so i dont feel so lost and lonely going through my battle, so i could get motivation when im going through hell.

if you guys can give me recommendations to groups, scientific knowledge, id really appreciate it.
i just want to know if you are as lost as me, you aren't alone, we are all fighting this on different levels. and this is also to my future self, a kind reminder that i never give up.

 

Welcome! It may take years. Stop masturbation and porn! and the most important thing don't question yourself on anything. Things take time to appear.