"I just got tired of the real thing." WTF?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Red1837, Aug 15, 2015.

  1. Red1837

    Red1837 Fapstronaut

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    So my husband has been abstaining from P and M but still being intimate with me. He has been dealing with PIED basically our entire 8 years but we've noticed major improvements with his E in just the last week or so. I mentioned how nice the changes have been and said that I couldn't believe we have missed out on this for the last 8 years and he said "YEAH, I JUST GOT TIRED OF THE REAL THING."

    Um, excuse me? The fuck did you just say??

    I said so, you were tired of me, the real thing, for the last 8 years? He said no, I mean before you. I said so you were tired of the real thing before me so you PMO'd for 8 years while with me??

    He tried to quickly change the subject and I was so shocked at what he said I just went with it.....but NOW, I'm fuming and I'm trying not to say anything to him right now.

    "I just got tired of the real thing."

    What.....the.....fuck......?
     
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2015
  2. Headspace

    Headspace Fapstronaut

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    I guess porn can increase the expectations one has related to sex. While PMO is not that spectacular on its own, you're imagining all the time stuff akin to
    It'd surely be nice if I was the guy screwing that chick!
    raising your expectations beyond belief. While real lovemaking can be way more intense, spectacular and beautiful than the daydreams you have while sitting half-naked on your chair (dreams you won't experience anyway, not even if you were with the girl you're seeing, doing the stuff you're seeing, because you will only feel the intensity as long as it is an actual dream!), your brain is harmed by PMO in such a way that the real thing will make you feel distant and uncomfortable at times. And you might end up preferring to be alone instead.

    May be this is one circumstance leading to him saying that...
     
    Red1837 likes this.
  3. Just to further bounce off of and add onto what @elektrolurch789 said.

    It was just his damaged PMO brain talking. Try not to take it personally. You have to understand that PMO does effect the brain in negative ways. You have to understand that he was not criticizing you by saying what he said. His comment was not to express that you are bad in bed. His comment was not meant to express that there is something you've been doing wrong. The comment was not an attack. It had nothing to do with you and everything to do with his own damage. PMO can distort ones reality sexually. It's really as simple as that. All that's happened is that you have just seen with your own eyes someone who was previously damaged by PMO.

    The good thing is, he is making steps to change. That's what you need to focus on. I advise you not to get angry, but instead to just see this for what it is. His comment came across a certain way, but it was not implied how you are seeing it.
     
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  4. Red1837

    Red1837 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you both. I guess what he said just seemed like such a bizarre response. In all the reading I've been doing here and elsewhere, which has been a TON, I have never heard someone say that they just got tired of the real thing. He said it so casually, too. I suppose it also doesn't help that I still feel so angry over being cheated out of *my* sex life for 8 years because of what he was doing. :/
     
  5. Headspace

    Headspace Fapstronaut

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    It's perfectly natural to feel angry about that. You have every right to do so, but you need to control these emotions. And remember that he didn't harm your relationship intentionally, it was his porn addiction that did it, and if it hadn't been for pornography you wouldn't have had these problems in the first place. What your husband has to show now is that he's stronger than that. That's what the present is about. Anyway, it really was a good move of you to get active on the forum here, being the wife! I hope it will help you deal with all this.
     
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  6. Red1837

    Red1837 Fapstronaut

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    I know I need to control my feelings, and that's why I came here last night instead of speaking to him about it.
    It's just so hard sometimes. This forum has been a life saver, and probably a marriage saver.
     
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  7. Limeaid

    Limeaid Guest

    I am going to disagree with some of the above. Yes he is an addict but he also is a human and can control how he talks to you. What he said was rude and insensitive. I would definitely talk to him about it. Maybe he meant something different than what you think. Maybe he just mispoke about how he was feeling. You will never know and you will never get over this until you talk to him.

    You do not have to "control your emotions" ever. You have emotions for a reason and they tell tou when something is not right. You have every right to feel hurt and angry but you also need to convey those feelings to him. He needs to know.
     
  8. The Eleven

    The Eleven Fapstronaut

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    I'm with @Limeaid. In my opinion, there are too many people in here who are willing to see this addiction as some sort of "Get Out of Jail Free" card, an excuse for all kinds of misbehavior.

    He's kicking P and M. That's great. Puts you miles ahead of some less fortunate souls in here. But he still has to treat you with respect and love, no matter what. He should be ashamed of himself, especially having put you through 8 years of ED (which I know must have taken its toll on your self-esteem).

    He needs to know what he's put you through, and how his comment hurt you. All of us addicts have made bad choices. Some of us have made horrible choices. And a lot of us have put our loved ones through hell. But part of the recovery is to stop causing damage and allow the healing process to begin. Comments like that aren't going to help at all.
     
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  9. Red1837

    Red1837 Fapstronaut

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    I've decided to just let the comment go. Thinking back, he's been known to say something goofy things "in the moment." Even though the comment hurt me (and yes, his PA has killed my self esteem) I don't believe he meant to hurt me.

    I will say I am proud of him, so far he is still P and M free. With that, I've also noticed a lot of other positive changes in his overall attitude and behavior.
     
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  10. This sounds like the more mature way to deal with it.

    Yes, we have emotions, and it's good to let others know how we feel, but sometimes you have to look at the intention as well. He didn't mean harm. It was not intended as an attack. It's pretty obvious. Some of the above comments display that they are just letting their own emotions get ahead of themselves. This is why so many couples have argument after argument. They fail to discern the intention of their partner. Their soul is not sensitive to the other person, to able to see their comments as they are. If it was a blatant attack, that would be different, but it wasn't. He just said something stupid due to his PMO effected brain, but the main thing is that he is sincerely making steps to change daily.

    There was no malice intended in what he said.

    Him saying that "he got tired of the real thing" is what it is. That is a porn induced sentence. He was being honest about his previous state. It wasn't a personal attack. He was just simply describing the effect that porn has had on him, without him even realising it.

    Just got take take a minute, take a step back and intelligently see the comment for what it was. The moment you see it as an attack (which it wasn't) is when you begin to get emotional about it, just like some others are above. As I said, this is exactly why arguments continuously abound in relationships, because they fail to see things accurately, instead of just processing the emotions itself.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 18, 2015
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  11. Davepl

    Davepl Fapstronaut

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    I'm sure he loves you and feels like garbage as it is for making you miss out these last 8 years... Now that he is getting it under control you still have time to make up for the last 8 years just try not to hurt yourselves!!!! But seriously understand that the man who indulged in porn was not the man you feel in love with... That side of him is a mentality sick and twisted person... It's great that he is getting straightened out and its amazing that your there to support him... With as much as my addiction hurt my wife I can only imagine the emotional pain you felt dealing with this... I give big props to you for your strength to endure... I'm sure your husband feels the same way. A lot of times though when us men are embarrassed and know we've done something that has hurt someone's feelings we tend to clam up and not face it
     
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  12. knowlg2

    knowlg2 Fapstronaut

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    I'm going to tell you why I always used P, because I think it rings through with his comment. I am a pretty successful guy, young and in control of my future. But when I watch P, I see my life times a million. When I watch P, I see a young, virile, well-hung muscular person, far better than me. I see him in control, see him able to do things I could never do. I see an often younger woman, she's basically nothing, a toy, a disposable piece of meat. I see her dominated. See her want to be dominated. I see my own insecurity about my own lack of confidence, what I wish was something more in terms of feeling in control of my life in the bedroom. The P has nothing to do with the sexuality of it, but the idea of watching what I could be, what I thought I wish I could be. It took me until this week to realize I don't wish my spouse was more sexually experimental (and often I would blow up at her, get mad for it), I wish I was more respectful of her limits and her womanhood, and more upset with myself for not being able to grasp, accept and love that fact.

    I'm glad you are supporting him, I hope to be there with my own spouse one day, you don't know how much your support actually means to him - keep rockin' on Red :) Also, he's a guy, I can tell you as a guy we say stupid things without filtering out how they can be interpreted on the other end. Brain to mouth; apologize later. Lather, rinse, repeat.
     
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  13. Purity of Speech

    Purity of Speech Fapstronaut

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    i don't think your husband's comment was meant to hurt. i think there is also something often humbling about 'real' sex, namely that you have to perform and you're judged for your performance and you have to enjoy yourself in a certain way.
    if you're socially very competent and you're a great team, that may not be a problem. but i think it is difficult for more people than would be happily admit it, that they find switching to sexual communication uncomfortable.
    that is why you so often hear phrases 'i'm too tired for sex after work' (what's that supposed to mean?!) or that especially women don't orgasm during sex who can do so with ease when masturbating. for somebody struggling with ED this would be a constant challenge.
    test this hypothesis by making yourself really non-judgmental and casual when you are intimate with your husband in any form.
     
  14. SoManyQuestions

    SoManyQuestions Fapstronaut

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    Some stupid things my DH has said/done:

    I can't get it up...can I put on some porn?

    (At a hotel) There's no porn rentals! How am I supposed to get in the mood?

    Laughing hysterically at Jim Jeffries joke about I don't need you to cum, I have filthy images in my mind. You're just the bin I shoot it in.

    Listen it's like pizza. Let's say pepperoni is my favorite and I am totally loyal to pepperoni. I would never eat any other kind of pizza. But I might look at other pizzas. I don't want to just look at pepperoni every day!

    Some of these I carried with me for years before I finally told him how it made me feel. I think if you can calm down first and then approach it, it's better than not approaching it at all and carrying it around indefinitely. For me anyway. Everyone is different.
     
  15. Purity of Speech

    Purity of Speech Fapstronaut

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    i think you have to gently explain to him the concept of manners and maybe 'how girls are a bit sensitive around this issue' :).
    you can also take it as a compliment that he behaves around you as rough guys tend to be with each other. you know how some girls can be completely comfortable with the most misogynistic bunch of guys and guys so love them for being able to relax around them?
     
  16. SoManyQuestions

    SoManyQuestions Fapstronaut

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    Yes. I don't want to overreact to anything and then he can't be himself or has to constantly censor himself. Or shuts me out. That's why I wait until I'm calm before I bring it up. And sometimes after thinking about whatever it is I can let it go. I just know if it bothers me still the next day I probably need to calmly say something about it.
     
  17. knowlg2

    knowlg2 Fapstronaut

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    SoManyQuestions, is he what you would describe as a 'social Luddite'? Because I've found those types of people are more prone to say more socially awkward things; in their minds it seems perfectly acceptable but they lack the wherewithal to pre-screen it by others and how they may react.
     
  18. @Red1837 :I think bottom line is(of course my thoughts)-

    1.You continue asking and check on him and make him realize that whatever he is doing is not good at all.Don't stop or ignore or forget to...as P is really destructive.
    2.Secondly,this has to be understood by him-how P is affecting him negatively.It just alters one's mind,thinking,perception related to sex,woman etc.its an addiction and he needs to do hard work by himself too.He has to change certain things by himself.Tell him to look "Yourbrainonporn" and then just read some of journals here i.e. how severe P can be.Here you get all sorts of stories and it all helps a lot.Believe me.
    3.Respect yourself,keep yourself motivated as you have to drive this sometimes when rough phases come.


    Its an addiction and it'll take time.Process is slow.But its possible to quit PMO forever!

    Good Luck Red!
     
  19. Finally Done

    Finally Done Fapstronaut

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    Red, may I speak honestly, from an older guys perspective. Being tired of the real thing is normal. Its sex, done today like it was thousands of years ago, big deal. If this were not true, would any of us be here, with PMO issues? Always looking for new and more exciting "videos, visual stimulations, etc.." He loves you and you him (I imagine), so show some respect maybe you will get some in return..

    Do you honestly believe or think that sex is the same always and forever?? Sex is great when your young, its new, your learning about your body and the other persons. The feelings that you or they get, the smell, the taste, the feel, the warmth, etc.. is exciting when it is fairly new.

    But over the years, as you grow up and get older, more important and more significant events and issues come into play. Yes, sex will always be part of most of our lives, up until we die, but it loses its importance the older and more mature you get.

    If you base your relationship on purely physical relationship, then really, what do you have??? When I was young, I learned quick that "being in love was really being in lust". But once the "lust, excitement" leave, then where do you go then. Probably to an affair, divorce, etc.. to again, attempt to find the shallowness in a relationship of nothing but pure physicality.. Then when that excitement wears off, back to another, then another, etc..

    Then when your old, sitting by your current lover, husband, etc.. instead of being tired because the physicality is gone, you can actually be happy sitting with your true loved one and happy. Happy being together for the sake of being together with the one who loves you for you, and you for them. The world says otherwise, but then again, look what the world has turned into? The best to you Red, I am sure you both will figure out whats most important soon.
     

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