I just had a panic attack about my sexuality.

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Redhood210, Feb 20, 2019.

  1. Redhood210

    Redhood210 Fapstronaut

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    So every since i let HOCD get out of hand a few months ago my life has been a mess. I have my good days and bad days ever since, Today is one of those bad days. So all my life i have been straight liked girls blah blah never had any thoughts about men or anything sexual about them i would never thought in a million years i could be gay. So i go to sleep and been off of porn for like 4-5 days can't remember need to change the streak thing today. but every time my mind go to something gay i would usually feel weird about it and disturb and brush it off saying oh my mind is trying to play tricks on me etc. i went to take a quick nap and i had a wet dream of me having sex with a beautiful girl and etc i was really hard etc and then out of nowhere it goes to two dudes fucking and holy shit i got scared and was afraid but it only lasted for 2secs before it moved on to me and the girl. i don't want to be gay and i want to go back to me who could not think about this stuff and have my attraction back for the ladies i missed and adored. I have a gf now and when i don't think about those thoughts i feel happy and great and i am glad to be with her. Now when the thoughts hit me and i am with her i get sad and annoyed and wonder why these thoughts keep coming bck. does this Dream mean i am bi? I don't want to be bi i just want to be straight. Idk if i am on a lot of stress because of my hocd but i just don't know what to do anymore pls help.i have been jacking off to porn 2-3 years straight and i want to quit because of what it is doing to me and how it is making me feel. I just want to be me again. Sorry i keep coming with the same questions but day by day it get's worst.
     
  2. your brain will do that, you get turned on by taboo things, things that repulse you become erotic, like a bully fetish, the thought of getting fucked by your bully, its one of the ultimate degrading and submissive things that could happen. Dont pay it any mind, if you know you are not gay than you are not.
     
  3. Redhood210

    Redhood210 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you Man. I hate honestly keep going over this topic on here but i had enough of this. i am currently 15 and throughout my 15 years i never thought gay or acted gay or even got hard at males in the gym locker room at my gym so honestly i am going to take that advice and just say it is my brain trying to get me to jack off to test that i am not gay. Also do you know when it gets easier with the nofap? Idk if today was a flat line that my brain wanted to see porn and wanted to scare me into watching it?
     
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  4. I like how you put a different age than what you actually are. That's being smart. Never give your real birth date to any site unless it is absolutely necessary.
     
  5. Eprst

    Eprst Fapstronaut

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    Just explore these thoughts and feelings and try not to attach any values to them.
     
  6. i see major change around the first month, there are some things can speed the process up such as healthy eating and exercise.
     
  7. It can get pretty messy bro. I too have had serious doubts about my sexual orientation but know my sissy fetish is 100% porn induced. Seeing so much straight porn I've gotten the impression giving oral sex to a guy is fun, but never really liked gay porn, so I've always been really confused but it's all association I think. You just get the wrong impressions seeing porn. It's gotten to the point of only getting erections to the thoughts of these gay/sissy fetishes. My wet dreams have only been about girls/women whereas my porn induced waking fantasies have been about (black muscular) men mostly. Porn will do that to you, it will give you that artificial taste and you will start fantasizing about men, transgenders and what not sooner or later.
    I know for me what gets me so aroused is mostly the taboo of it, the exotic and forbiddenness. The adrenalin associated with it just gives this massive kick. I know I never would have had these fantasies if it weren't for porn. Some will say it's denial but it's more about the novelty and endorphin rush in the case of severe porn addiction, rest assured. Your mind just constantly craves new stuff each time you watch porn and sooner or later what you thought you weren't into will be what turns you on.
     
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  8. Redhood210

    Redhood210 Fapstronaut

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    Thank's guys for all the support/Answers but there is a few things i should add. One i have had this question pop up before but i didn't entertain in and it went away just like that and i was back to my normal/teenager self back in the summer and i was still watching porn. Now i felt that i let it get out of hand to the point where i am having panic attacks/ mini anxiety attacks when something related to being gay pops up. I know i have to let the thoughts flow and all, but still i just don't like the thought in general and when i do at times accept the thought not the action it feels like i am giving in and turning gay which then starts the process all over. Also when i am not thinking and going off of instinct i can get hard to girls pretty easily, I remember yesterday when i was outside i saw a girl in a yoga pants walking and i got hard maybe not full erect since i didn't shower but still erect lol. Then that same night me and gf were just talking and she started talking dirty and stuff and i was extremely hard. Also keep in mind that in public when i see a dude i don't really notice a thing unless the thoughts start to appear and stuff. As well as when i am hard and even try to think about a guy in that way romantic or sexual i get turned off pretty fast and it just feels weird. I don't think it is denial i just think i have way too much free time on my hands and that makes my mind wonder. But i just hope in the future this will stop because i want to have my normal life i was always living before this started. I am still confident that i am straight but this usually happens to people who are confident in their sexuality. But i just want to thank you guys in general for clearing up my mind and stuff.
     
  9. From what I've heard and read about homosexuality is that you usually 'know' at an early age..so in no way does that sound like you judging by your story. You can't freak out about these thoughts either, you must replace them by focusing on your job, school, etc. Do this and quit PMOing. It will fade--mark my words.
     
  10. Redhood210

    Redhood210 Fapstronaut

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    Yea from memories i remember i have always liked girls and could never see myself dating a guy and stuff. I was a huge homophobic person growing up and always had dreams about girls and wanted to have sex etc. I remember i really like Selena and wanted her to be my gf, celebrity crush. i remember making fun of a kid for looking up Chris Browns balls and felt disgusted by it. Currently i am a junior in high school and this problem started around Christmas and my life has been nothing but hell since i let it get out of control. After Winter break i will try and focus on myself and my current gf and see if i can get pass this. i want to be happy with her because i was madly in love with her during sophomore year and i would know if i was gay if i felt it was wrong or i felt attraction to guys which i don't. I have also had sexual experiments with girls and i loved it i was extremely hard and everything but to get back to that i am gonna have to quit porn for 90 days which shouldn't be hard since i have a gf. Also quick question does it count as a relapse if me and my gf do stuff?
     
    lookingforthelights likes this.
  11. Yippy

    Yippy Fapstronaut

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