I just wanna get this out of my chest... probably wasted 4 years of life (HOCD or gay denial)

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by saddist_adult, Jul 17, 2022.

  1. saddist_adult

    saddist_adult Fapstronaut

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    After 4 years I cleaned from PMO addiction... Let's do some rewiring.. how i started watching porn was because of my neighbor lol came into my house and watch porn back then i didn't know such thing as porn video probably i was around 12 maybe ... At those times my attraction and love intimacy was into women... From then i remembered watching straight porn, at early ages... Then i got bored i kept researching then i found gay cartoon, i didn't know such thing as gay either i just watched... And next is gay porn i actually didn't like it, mostly i focused on the gay dude that getting dominated... I got bored i discovered transwoman porn probably the most addictive one i couldn't look at girl the same way anymore because always imagine a pretty girl with a dick getting fuck hard in the ass... Back then i couldn't seem to get enough of it... I was so addicted i started to mimicking the transwoman imagine myself in that position sticking up my butt etc... Just fucking disgusting, to think of that I'm still regretted til this day... Shouldn't I have done what I did.

    transwomen no longer give me pleasure. I got bored and jumped into hentai yaoi or trap manga i just never get enough pleasure i literally masturbated about 3 or 4 times a day reading hentai trap manga...

    During that period my social anxiety, low self-esteem, high depression literally lowest of the lowest point of my life... My reputation is bad, no Friends... Also have a bad personality and fat... It's just beyond bad...

    I finally discovered nofap and stopped watching porn and masturbated... During that journey i relapsed so many times as well i have never given up... All of a sudden 4 years have passed... I can cope with social anxiety, gain confidence, lower depression and improve my social life. I also get a job is probably my dream... I never imagined myself getting a job due to social anxiety and depression.

    I thought i would had me a girlfriend and can treat her better and me the best confident boyfriend for my future girl then... Something unexpected happened... No announcement at all.. my attraction towards women is starting to fade... I lose my sexual desire completely... Then i made up fantasizing about past porn gay video i used to watched let's see i can get an erection or not because straight don't give me boner anymore... It was closer to developing HOCD... Every time I walk outside if some male is attractive I feel my eyes want to stare at them it just seems out of my control I don't understand at all i always had this urge and staring since I got into transwoman addiction..

    One day... I was at work then one of my coworker walking passed me and he was handsome i started staring at him with a compulsion and mix feelings not sure how i felt was it love? Or just anxiety? I'm not sure... Then the doubt came " am i gay???" Since then my life has been flipping... Mentally exhausting, doubting, researching google, Reddit, and quora " can i be gay and not know? " Or " are there HOCD people, later on, realized they're actually gay?" Questions from day to day... Seeking the truth.

    I already reached the point where i wanted to hook up with a guy... Let's see how much i enjoy it then i can finally accept that i am gay... Also one of the most regretted things so far as well... I wasted 4 years doing nofap to finally discover my true sexuality is actually gay... I probably go back to porn is next step if i came out gay, also all my goals and marriage and having a children will be tormented... I'm not against LGBTQ community. I also have a couple friends apart from it as well... But myself i just can't visualize myself having meaningful relationships with same gender... It's just not... I never fantasize about relationships of the same gender but why do I have all these urges and compulsions to act on?

    Is porn addiction still affecting me after years of doing nofap? Or else I'm just fucking gay and not knowing...

    (Sorry for terrible grammar)
     
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  2. JoeinUSA

    JoeinUSA Fapstronaut

    You don't have to buy into any labels - like bi or gay, especially in this world where there are now something like 50+ different sexual orientations. The latter "gay" label, especially, may come along with a lot of political and sociological baggage that may not be about you. Don't pigeonhole yourself in any undesirable place. Plus, your sexuality has been fluid over the years, and there's no telling that it will shift again. It probably will if you give up all participation into P, fetishes, and MO while fantasizing. At this time in your life, you have same-sex attraction (SSA), perhaps, not gay, and this may be because you have experienced injury in parts of your own internal manhood and masculinity that now draws you to other males to try to imbibe (as if being fed/nourished from a man orally) or by direct injection (as in anally) a shot from their masculinity to make up for your own lack (very high-level symbolic images only, reflecting what you are needing from within), when all along, what you should be doing, is seeking healing from within. You don't need another man to supply masculinity to you - plus, no man can give you that anyway. So, even if you engaged with many men, you would still be feeling your inner void, plus you'd be a whole lot worse off from all those sexual liaisons and one-night stands or quickies, putting you into submission, which may ultimately be self-hatred, as well. It's not what you really want for your life. Find yourself from within, heal from within by self-embrace, and loving your true self as a man, and don't fret about misguided SSA at this time. You need to stop focusing on all the fetishes, whether in porn or in the fantasy of your imagination. Keep up your recovery on the deepest of levels, not dabbling into unwholesome entertainment, thinking, or acts. Best wishes!
     
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2022
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  3. fumaruu

    fumaruu Fapstronaut

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    I really think that in your case your brain is trying to trick you into thinking you are gay because that is whats "familiar" to the brain and to your body. I researched a lot on this topic because I developed a bizarre fetish from early childhood which made me qestion my sexual orientation and I would check straight fetish porn to reassure myself just to realize that I do get aroused. So I thought maybe I am bisexual and not know. Turns out I am just a paraphilic. I felt like I had attraction to men, turns out I just wanted to get them involved in my fetish. And guys are a easier to reach source of dopamine especially if you have no girls in your life so this will make you question your feelings towards a guy and HOCD happens. Your mind is smarter than you think. I dont have HOCD anymore. If I get thoughts and feelings towards a guy then I know Its my mind trying to make me slip into my paraphilic behaviour. Real life interaction and time-spent with women is basically non existent in my life, so where should your mind look for that dopamine hit if not in men? If you dont want to be gay, and live in a constant state of fear and anxiety, then my brother, you are not gay. Being gay means you WANT it to happen. You obviouly dont. Nothing against homosexuals here, but if you were born that way, then why feel anxious all your life? It should feel natural to you and you should be happy with it. If youre not, then youre not gay.

    Now, you said you watched transwoman porn for years, and during early stages of brain development aswell, that means your brain pathways are wired towards that specific type of porn. Thats pretty obvious. Your brain knows what it looks like and probably what it "feels" like, so most of your senses are used to that image. Watching it and fantasizing about it has become your habit, and once a habit is fully developed your body becomes the mind, literally. Because that is the "known", even though it was unknown before, escalation has made it the "familiar" for you. And whenever you step out of the known (nofap, porn absistence), your mind and your body work together to trick you into believing thats what you are into. Imagin it like a conversation: Body speaks to the mind: "Hey, whats happening, how come we are not doing this anymore? This feels unknown and unfamiliar I dont want this". Your brain responds: "let me bombard him with feelings, fantasies and bodily responses so that he can return to whats known for us". So your brain bombards you with questions (What If I am gay but dont know it, what if this, what if that...), feelings associated with that type of pornography (anxiety, pleasure, feeling of being afraid, depressed, ...), visuals (fantasies), and so on. Your brain and body both do that until you return to your familiar past (whats "known") in order to keep you from changing. And it seems to me like you are not yet mentally strong enough (nothing against you bro) to ignore and observe those thoughts and feelings. You and your soul know whats good for you, your mind and body do not. And dont ever underestimate the power of thought. An example: there was a study that involved people learning the piano with a real physical piano and people just imagining themselves playing the piano, after a month both sides were able to play the same piece without any mistake. So those who just imagined playing the piano, played as good as the ones who actually practised with a real piano. So if you keep responding to those thoughts and feelings which your brain and body bombard you with in order to keep you from changing, you will keep feeding those neuropathways in your brain and strenghten their relationship. I hope all that makes sense. Theres a principle in neuroscience called "use it or lose it", and obviously you cannot lose those brain connections and associations if you keep feeling the same way, which feeds those pathways and it becomes stronger and more difficult to lose. Also, "brain cells that fire together wire together" - Hebbs Law. Means that the feeling associated with the exposure to that type of content/porn, it might be pleasure and happiness but honestly most of the times its depression and anxiety, and the actual visual imagery of that porn, or that scene or whatever it is, that feeling and that visual wire together so as soon as a porn related thought kicks in that feeling associated with it takes over your body. I have experienced this thousand of times. A paraphilic thought comes to my mind and my mood changes from happy to extremely anxious. Dont let that take control you man. It is going to be hard to not think, watch and act upon that, I know that, but thats the only true way to change. The reason it feels so bad and scary is because that is the unfamiliar, your brian doesnt know what to make of this, so you step in and can change your brain settings. What do you want? A wife and kids? Think about that. A good job? - Think about that. You can change, and keep in mind that what you are going through is frequent on this forum, but so rare on this earth that you cannot find answers on quora and google or whatever. It is never easy to change. Its scary, but so worth it. I am in the process of changing. My penis feels sensitive as hell, I get bombarded with paraphilic fantasies whether they be gay or hetero, I dont let it take over my life anymore. You can change, you ARE the change. This is all in your brain, and you are the master, not the servant. Remember that. This is all neuroplasticity. If you are interested, I DEFINITELY recommend "Breaking the habit of being yourself" by Dr. Joe Dispenza. And watch TEDx talks on youtube about neuroscience. Hope that makes sense
     
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  4. krishna _ 1

    krishna _ 1 Fapstronaut

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