I just want to f***ing die.

I'm 15 years old and I've been trying to quit porn for almost more than 2 years right now, failed attempts, I'm such a goddamn f***ing failure, I fail at everything, nobody gives a shit about my addiction anymore, I talked to my mom about it, I love her but I hate the fact that she offers "JUST QUIT!" as a solution, I'm bad at playing the guitar, can't even focus for studying 15 minutes, I'm always impatient, I'm so depressed and fucking angry, maybe I should buy a gun from the gun store down and kill myself (albeit I need a license), or jump off the bridge that I sometimes look at when I'm in the balcony, nobody gives a shit about me, I just need someone loving to talk to, I need a supportive system for my reboot, my mind is fucked up, I'm seriously addicted to BDSM content, foot fetish, and femdom content, I keep viewing girls differently every time I have an opportunity to ruin my filthy mind, I'm even atheist, and if my parents and siblings discovered that I'm atheist, I'm going to get kicked out of the house, and I'm even somewhat 20% gay (which if a family member that I know discovered, he would abuse me physically), I can't even feel anything, I just want a mentor to nightwalk with to discuss about the problems of my life, I can't take this anymore, I could use the rope in my pants to hang myself in the bathroom, I don't care what my family will suffer in the aftermath of me dying, they were the ones who made me do it anyway, where were they when I needed fucking help? I told my brother I was suicidal once and he joked about it and told me I'm still starting at NoFap and I should be patient, he didn't even take it seriously, I'm not even like the other kids at school, they're all relatively normal and do their studies as their parents say and find school easy, but I'm so fucking bad at everything and shitty, I'm such an idiot, I made past mistakes for no sensible reason, I'm so irrational and I'm a deluded bucko with loser attitudes. Even in my country, mental health isn't given a shit about, my friend told me about a guy who called the suicide hotline before committing it, and they only sent him to the police to be imprisoned because obviously suicide is taboo and haram in my country, who gives a fuck about me anyway? They all see me as a burden especially my mom she only loves me if I get good grades, if everyone sees me as a burden except some people, then wtf is the point of living? I should probably just die. I'm even going to fail subjects this year at high school and restart them again, and I keep fapping, even though I'm desperate to quit, my mind is always fucking against me. I'm even ugly, I have acne on my face and back, and I have black scratches on my face, and a receding hairline, and my beard grows irregularly more on one side than the other, with reddish eyes, dark and purple circles, I'm even socially anxious, I'm such a snowflake and get anxious about little things, like even the littlest, for example when someone is just around me without anything happening, I can't even converse with people and I keep the discussion going uncomfortably, I've gone from being good at school to a mediocre and shitty student, my best friend even left me completely when he discovered I was atheist, I told him I would have a brief discussion with him calmly in school to settle things down with him and he buttfucked me with the message "I'M NOT GOING TO TALK TO YOU, AND I'M NEVER GOING TO!", so what's the point of living anyway?

 

Thank for the advice, REALLY thanks, it made me feel better

 

I tried everything you could think of when quitting ranging from taking cold showers to exercise, they don't seem to work well, because I think I'm not basing my reboot on a supportive system, but I'm going to do that soon when I tell my parents about my addiction.

 

I should build my life step by step gradually, and organize my things in order, orderliness coupled with industriousness is crucial, I'm going to try and quit my addiction first, I've seen many fucked up guys in their 20s who are college dropouts and are depressed as hell due to hedonism, I should use this as worthy motivation to quit at an early age, I'm now on day 2 and I'm close to finishing my sophomore year in high school, I hope I quit even though I'm hopeless, and I'm going to play sports next month in a sports club as my parents told me, also I'm going to eat healthily more and sleep regularly and consistently, thank YOU for your advice, what you're saying is no falsehood man.

 

I always microanalyze and scrutinize the things in my life that cause predicaments, and I try to find pragmatic solutions for them, are they correlative or causative? It's something I've done from a young age, it helped me so much honestly, and sometimes helped me avoid relapsing. But my porn addiction deteriorates my ability and potential to do brilliant at school, that's why I was angry, because I'm wasting my life thanks to my little weiner, but now I created a schedule to study everyday for certain amounts of hours for the upcoming finals, you're right, thanks lad .

 

With quarantine making me feel constrained inside my home, it seems like there is nothing I can do, but actually I have many books, novels, studies, I have even some exercise equipment like dumbbells for instance, I'm gonna use my free time to do useful things when I finish school hopefully and put a goal for me everyday, it doesn't matter the outcome, what matters is that you try, whenever I get an urge I'm going to do a maximum of 50 push ups or take a freezing cold shower (I did it last time, and it freezed my balls like hell, I couldn't stand the cold shower except for a few seconds), next time I'm going to gradually increase my time spent in a cold shower too, thanks for the advice, was really helpful!

 

I already did that with my laptop, I set up a blocker with my accountability partner and last time I tried to search for something sexual, he effed up and told me to go do something else with my time rather than watching porn, I'm now struggling to put a blocker on my phone, but I'm starting to find a solution for my phone now, like for example I'm going to tell my bro to put a pin on the blocker when I set it up for blocking porn so that there's no way I can access porn, not even on my phone or laptop, thanks for the advice m8

 

Well, when watching porn, I get disgusted by gay porn, but when in real life when I look at men (it doesn't have to be muscular ones) I feel this sort of romantic attraction, I have masturbated to gay porn before and it felt a little good.

 

My school has nurses to help with physical pain and wounds, but I don't think they can help with mental and emotional pain.