I just want to share my story…

Triggers and all that stuff so be careful!


I wanna start with saying that I admire all of you, your will to fight and become better people. The fact that you want to change yourself is amazing and you will surely succeed.


I am gonna go to the root of it. After practicing NoFap for almost a year and failing big it is time to face it. Porn has made me almost questioning my orientation. It induced sick fetishes in me.


I began early in the 4th grade probably. I saw a random porn video, it was gang bang. Girls were screaming. Out of pleasure, maybe? I told myself that day that I am not gonna have sex ever, cause I don't wanna hurt those girls, right?


Well I did. I watched porn, lots of it. Began masturbating. Remember myself masturbating to photos of my classmes in 7th grade, their profile pictures were enough for me. I always liked girls, a lot.


When I was 16 I fell in love with a girl, she was beautiful. I didn't know what to talk with her about. We were both virgins. And once, we went out. Had a great chat. Even kissed, short kiss, but how wonderful. I looked that we are gonna be together, but no, she said no. Only year later I discovered that she said no because she was afraid what would our friends think. Stupid ain't? And the day I discovered this our group of friends went out. So I thought I am gonna make a move. She just said to me that we should enjoy ourselves and talk about it later. And enjoy herself she did. We were all drunk and I remember seeing her kissing with my best friend in the bar. Next thing I remember walking home. I was walking whole night.

...

It is summer, I am at the party, dating other girl, first girl is there, I go to sleep, can't sleep, go to grab a water and see her fucking a random guy. And that's where it all began. All my insecurities and other shit. She was angel, so pure, so feminine. I tried so hard to make us work, yet she is there fucking other dude that she met that day...

I had problems with erection during my first sex, my second sex. It took weeks till it get "normal" with my next girlfriend. I was watching porn. Don't get me wrong, sex is great, I loved it. But those sick cuckold videos aroused me more...


Few years passed. I broke up with my girlfriend and began dating THE girl. The girl I loved, the girl a saw fucking other guy with my own eyes. She is happy, it is been years since we are together. Am I happy? Sometimes. I still watch porn, I chat with random girls, saying to them how I would love to see them fucking other guys. They tell me I am sick. They are not wrong. One girl was in to this, she called me sissy, damn how it got me. I was thing about "exploring bi". While still dating a beautiful girl, mind you! She and my friends see me as a rock, masculine guy. But at night...


I would masturbate whole nights, days... I failed college. If it wasn't for my girlfriend gosh maybe I would not even be here. She was the only thing keeping me afloat. I would tell friends that I can't go out because I need to study and I wouldn't study because I was PMO...


It is a bit better now though, I still am a porn addict. It is time for me to face it. But hell am I trying to become the best version of myself... But I still don't know what to do... I am dating a love of my life, who I saw sleep with other guy. My best friend is still my best friend... Is it wrong? If you read this far, thank you and keep fighting!