I keep relapsing.

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by rideronastorm, Oct 30, 2019.

  1. rideronastorm

    rideronastorm Fapstronaut

    42
    52
    18
    I've been a porn addict for many years now. I was in denial for a long time, until a few months ago I finally accepted the truth: I'm a porn addict. I searched for more info on this addiction on the internet and I tried to abstain numerous times but I keep relapsing.

    I've reached a point where I'm pretty much desensitized. I've been watching porn with stuff I would never do in real life. Actually, up until a couple of years ago I wouldn't consider watching that stuff because I wasn't interested in it or would even find it repulsive. I know this is not me, I know that in real life I never had the desire to do that kind of stuff and this is saddening me.

    I've struggled with addiction before (I was a heavy smoker once) and I know it is not easy to quit and that relapses are part of the process, but quitting porn is proving to be more difficult than it was to quit smoking. The most I've managed so far was a week without watching porn. I lost count of the number of attempts I've made so far.

    The only progress I believe I've achieved was deleting all porn from my computer. I do not regret this decision nor do I think about the stuff that was deleted. It is gone and I'm glad it is.

    I want to quit but I feel like a slave of a part of my brain that says I need to watch porn. I know I don't need to watch porn videos but I can't stop watching. It is like I don't have a will of my own.

    Any help is appreciated. Thank you.
     
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2019
    Asgardian36 and nirav2696 like this.
  2. Ronila

    Ronila Fapstronaut

    546
    449
    63
    I suggest a simple test to see if you can actually reasonably do it. Start doing something consistently, that needs significant effort.
    Running a mile 6 days a week, no exceptions no excuses. Every day you walk out side and run, if you cant run whole mile run as much as you can and walk the rest.
    This will test your resolve and actually show you what your willpower looks like. If you can last one month and be consistent every day with this task. You then have a chance to stop pornography addiction.

    If you cant last even a week, then get help - external help
     
    Asgardian36, nirav2696 and kunal_n like this.
  3. Anonymous86

    Anonymous86 Fapstronaut

    1,822
    426
    83
    How do you know you're desensitized? Did your penis shrivel up or is it non-responsive?
     
  4. rideronastorm

    rideronastorm Fapstronaut

    42
    52
    18
    When I say "desensitized" I don't mean it in a physical way but in a psychological way. Porn that used to arouse me no longer does. That led me to look for porn that presented some kink of novelty, like fetish porn. After a while, there is no novelty left unless you're willing to search for more extreme stuff, which I'm not. I'll give you an example: I've always had a thing for lesbian porn. It used to turn me on a lot. Nowadays, even though I still like to see two women together, the rush that I felt when I saw a woman going down on another woman is gone. I saw so much lesbian porn that it hardly turns me on any more.
     
    Asgardian36 and Anonymous86 like this.
  5. Anonymous86

    Anonymous86 Fapstronaut

    1,822
    426
    83
    So you don’t even get excited for it sexually and you get no erections? I see.
     
  6. rideronastorm

    rideronastorm Fapstronaut

    42
    52
    18
    Getting an erection is not usually problematic but reaching orgasm is. Lately, even when I reach an orgasm, it is not pleasurable. It is actually kind of a weird felling. It is not satisfying as it used to be and it feels more like the satisfaction of a compulsive behavior than sexual satisfaction. This is one of the reasons why I really need to do something about this addiction.
     
    NamaClature14 and Asgardian36 like this.
  7. kingbob3

    kingbob3 Fapstronaut

    333
    194
    43
    Link of the journals of my previous streaks are given below respectively.
    1. 66days(Began on 7|07|2019)
    https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?t...y-streak-join-me-and-elevate-yourself.240120/
    2. 12days(Began on 14|09|2019)
    https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?t...successful-66days-streak.249887/#post-2236028
    3. 26days(Began on 27|09|2019)
    https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?t...s-streak-join-me-and-elevate-yourself.251406/

    Refer these journals to learn from my mistakes & elevate yourself from what ever level you are presently in your journey of reboot.
    Constantly studying about rebooting first thing in the morning will slowly cut the negativity in you and slowly steadily if you consistently take care of reading with fervor positivity will start to germinate.
    Remember negativity is too strong to be defeated. It can only be overcome with positivity. Which means stop fighting with negativity smart decision would be invest all your energy to positivity.
     
    NamaClature14 and Asgardian36 like this.
  8. bigbnoo

    bigbnoo Fapstronaut

    131
    109
    43
    I hear you man.

    I too am the same, started with the vanilla type stuff and this ended up being much worse. I have also made many attempts to stop over the years, but as with most addictions once you start again it is easy to get back into the saddle.

    It isn't easy, but then again it isn't meant to be. It is a terrible addiction IMO. I too, had given up cigarettes and gambling before, but these were made easier in part because of the high money cost of these. But P is free for the most part and I could access it in a few seconds from now, considering I am on the computer.

    You have to take small wins. After I broke my last streak I tried to compromise with myself by only allowing it on weekends. This does not work, and I could not stay away from it for more than a week. Perversely such intermittent use is not conducive to cutting down. In the long run it is easier to give up completely rather than only look once every so often. Most normal people could probably get away with it, in the same way that most normal people could get away with a heavy night out on the drink once in a while, but an alcoholic could not.

    I am a fair way in to the streak but it hasn't been plain sailing. If there is any advice I could give you, it is that there are two reasoning systems in your mind, the logical one knows why we don't want to watch porn, the other is telling you it doesn't matter and you should just do it. We have to keep the logical one winning, even in weak moments. The 'good' mind can become stronger over time, and the 'bad' one become weaker, it is a process. Keep reading posts on here for inspiration.
     
  9. The way I am

    The way I am Fapstronaut

    70
    50
    18
    Hello,

    No doubt that each of us who is deeply into pornography could once experience this, probably starting of a desensitization. I could wholly understand your spot here so you are not alone.

    To be honest, there is no such a revealed way I can offer you here, every man conquers pornography in his own manner and no one can guarantee a triumph over it at once. We ough to keep trying till we develop our own ways to make the harms slighter and finally destroy every image that it has left on our minds gradually.

    But you should know that you are never alone in this battle, keep endeavoring untill you get better outcomes.
     
    Asgardian36 likes this.
  10. rideronastorm

    rideronastorm Fapstronaut

    42
    52
    18
    I agree. Assuming we can draw parallels with other forms of addiction, either you stop consuming the substance you are addicted to or you don't. I know people who only smoke after meals. They've been doing so for years. However, ask them not to smoke a cigarette after a meal and they just can't bring themselves to do it. They have to have that cigarette. IMO, they are just as addicted as I was (I smoked a pack a day; one and a half on bad days).

    I couldn't agree more with you! If my cigarette addiction taught me anything about addictions is that for an addict there is no such thing as "once in a while" or "just one". I know that the day I smoke a cigarette again it won't be just one cigarette. I will be back to smoking everyday in no time. Actually, I went 7 years without smoking and went back to smoking because I thought that after such a long time just one cigarette wouldn't get me back to smoking. How wrong I was! It took me over a year and several relapses to quit again. Now I know better and don't even want to get close to the damn things. I now it it my mind that if I want to continue to be a non-smoker I can never smoke a cigarette again.

    Assuming that porn addiction is not substantially different from other forms of addiction, we should always remember the Law of Addiction:

    "Administration of a drug to an addict will cause re-establishment of chemical dependence upon the addictive substance."

    In the case of porn, it is not a chemical substance that a stimulus. Still, I believe the same principle applies. Please note that I'm not a health professional or a psychologist. I talking about my personal experience with addictions.
     
    Jeff Boyder likes this.
  11. rideronastorm

    rideronastorm Fapstronaut

    42
    52
    18
    I relapsed today. I didn't watch P but I M thinking about it. I don't know if the fact that I was able to prevent myself from actually watching it represents any step towards quitting, but the fact is that, once again, I relapsed. However, I'm still determined to keep on trying until I achieve it. The support I've been getting here is helping me become more determined in quitting.
     
    Jeff Boyder, Anonymous86 and tbird like this.
  12. tbird

    tbird Fapstronaut

    395
    281
    63
    Think back to the innocent kid you were before you were exposed to porn. Think about how you would want that kid to grow up and mature - proud, strong, no vices or addictions. How can you get yourself closer now to being that better person?
     
    Jeff Boyder likes this.
  13. Anonymous86

    Anonymous86 Fapstronaut

    1,822
    426
    83
    I lost my erections, my dick shrivels up now. And the orgasms don't also feel as satisfying as they use to be as well, relating to your case.
     
  14. Demodectic

    Demodectic Fapstronaut

    247
    326
    63
    Well if you can at least cut the porn out and just MO at least that is a step in the right direction. Why dont you install porn blocker software? Thats what i did na dI erased all the porn on my hard drive. I had over 2 TB of smut on my PC
     
  15. Asgardian36

    Asgardian36 Fapstronaut

    1,054
    1,048
    143
    hey man! I do very well relate to the feeling of not having any willpower at all. I don't know what your circumstances are....but I am sure there are some responsibilities we chose to set aside for the sake of PMO. In my case, instead of working hard and learning programming, I PMO and waste my days. I am sure there's something similar to you! Please start doing something everyday no matter how small.....day 1, day 3, day 7, 10, 14.....Goodluck!!!
     
    Jeff Boyder likes this.
  16. Jeff Boyder

    Jeff Boyder Fapstronaut

    175
    453
    63
    Wow guys, this is, by far, the most emotional thread I have seen here. I can SO relate to it. There are people who, for some reason, have an easier time with this naturally, and they can make 30, 60, and 90 days. There are others, however, that can't go for even a week, and anything past that is like walking on water. That's us, am I right? Well, you want a miracle, be a miracle! I am currently on No Nut November, and even though it's a bad meme, I'm taking it extremely serious, and I'll do anything to overcome it. I don't know where I'm finding the will power, but it's coming, and it will continue to come, because I'm not stopping until I make it to the top. I think you should try something like this. Start a challenge thread that will attract many people. Then, count all the people that have joined, and think, "all of the pressure is on me, it would be very embarrassing/hypocritical if the host(you) failed his own challenge"
    Try that, and tell me how you feel about it
     
    Handzfree likes this.
  17. Handzfree

    Handzfree Distinguished Fapstronaut

    496
    633
    93
    I can't really speak for quitting smoking but as you probably know when you look at porn and PMO, you're doing a massive Dopamine dump - the brains equivalent to heroin. You get that calm "world has dissolved" feeling from the dump. So it's a real chemical addiction - IMHO. BUT that addiction is fed by the circuitry wired in your brain by the ongoing porn. Kinda of a vicious circle. Add the dopamine, reinforce the circuits. Circuits require more dopamine.

    IMHO - this isn't the only progress you'd made so far. You now have admitted to having a problem. Something you denied in the past. This is progress. You're here on NoFap... progress - and - deleting your porn off your computer shows me you're serious. Otherwise you would have justified keeping it. Give yourself some credit.

    You mentioned you struggled with addictions before. Welcome to everyone that is alive today. I seriously doubt if there's someone out there who has their life wrinkle free. You're not the only one.. you are one of everyone.

    Needs and wants are two different things. This is your choice and decision. When you WANT to stop watching you'll realize you don't need it. And you can live your life without it. Usually the desire to view porn comes after a triggering thought... something that's passing that makes you anxious or sad. If you suddenly think about looking at porn - STOP and remember the thought that preceded your urge to look. And that is what is triggering you.

    Finally, you're doing all the right things. Learn, post here, get an AP (which I highly recommend). Love yourself. Do the things that make you happy (and no porn isn't one of them). Get out, ride a bike, hike - find your life, become yourself. Accept your failures and go a little bit further each time and eventually you'll decide you get there.

    Best wishes... get 1 day clean, If you can't do that start with a half day. Do what it takes.

    Cheers,
    HF
     
    Last edited: Nov 2, 2019
    Jeff Boyder likes this.
  18. Jeff Boyder

    Jeff Boyder Fapstronaut

    175
    453
    63
  19. livinginhell

    livinginhell Fapstronaut

    104
    71
    28
    Do you mean that thinking about P should be considered a relapse? OR you did MO?
     
  20. Peterhollywood

    Peterhollywood Fapstronaut

    17
    17
    3
    Hey man i can relate to you. I am learnin a lot these days about my addiction too. My best streak is 18 days which is not great but gives me hope. I have realised that my problem is based on the kind of life i do and the conditions of it. Like being alone all the time or not socializing. I didnt was aware of it until now but if i cant enjoy life then my brain will push me to pmo harder, so now i have to learn to enjoy every moment of my daily life and awake my heart to the joy of living it. I think it will make urges weak and make me able to win the battle for my life.

    I dont know if you have heard about a character named Steve O. Is one of the crew of the old show Jackass. He was a total drug addict doing almost every drug there is. In an interview he said that is only when you are truly desperate about your addiction you become able to overcome it because you dont have the illusion that you can manage it. I am considering getting professional help maybe thats an option also for you. I am going to do whatever it takes to beat this addiction i am not going to lose the battle for my life.
     
    Jeff Boyder likes this.

Share This Page