I need to do something new, what I am doing is not working. I can't spend any time at home on my own because every time I have taken a day off work I have relapsed. So I just have to work every day. I want the feeling of 500 days no pmo, what must that feel like? To know I am out of the cycle. I know it isnt about the pmo but EVERYTHING else. The systems I have in place to reduce the chance of relapse. I cannot rely on my will power, I just give in. My point of view changes and porn seems like a great idea, I am fighting against myself. And it takes up so much energy and time when im abstaining, always on here, always thinking about it or trying not to think about it. I am fucking sick of it. I have posters on my walls that ive made to remind of the damaging effects of porn but they lose all meaning in the moment. My brain just shuts off. That craving turns on, if I resist or turn away from it it feels so hard, uncomfortable, like its all I will have in my mind for the next hour. Feeling like im missing out on the most amazing experiences if I dont look at porn right now. AND IT LEADS NOWHERE, I am starting to worry about myself, how am I that uncontrolled? While I abstain im aware of all the benefits, after 2 to 3 days i start to feel them, then im thinking about upcoming events that I really want to be 'clean' for, to have at least a few weeks no pmo under my belt when i get there. Then I relapse and Im rushing through the next few days to feel im away from my last pmo, then start to feel clean and clear headed. Then back again. I literally need to get rid of my internet or to have someone watching me all the time. Im a fucking monkey in a cage going from one end to the other hoping for a different view each time.