I learned something new after 4 years in SAA

Hi I'm new here. I have been a faithful member of SAA for over 4 years. It has changed my life. I am grateful for this program and have no intention of quitting or changing. Being able to talk about these issues aloud, among other things, is invaluable.

There is an undercurrent in the SAA community that masturbation is a personal choice and can be done in a healthy manner after some amount of recovery. I find most members after a long period of abstinence attempt to incorporate masturbation into their regular life again. Often I hear that "compulsive masturbation" would be a relapse but planned would be OK. Or masturbation without external media or with your partner.

I'm not here to judge. Everyone has to work out for themselves what works for them or doesn't work for them. If that is working out for you, good. I do believe it can be a healthy practice for some people.

I don't think I'm one of them anymore. I wanted it to be and I tried and it's not healthy for me.

I was definitely eager to incorporate masturbation into my life after 2 years in the program. I had bought into the idea that fapping was a normal and potentially healthy expression of one's sexual identity. I suppose it can be for some.

After 4 years in SAA and 2 years trying to have healthy masturbation habits, I'm dropping not doing it anymore. I have come to believe that my temptations to look at porn and scroll through social media* was about objectification, how I viewed women, misogyny, and to escape. And it is. But it is also because I want an excuse to masturbate. I am coming to believe that trying to fap in a mindful way has continually opened the door for temptation to go back to hold habits. I think introducing masturbation led to a couple of relapses in the last 2 years. Fapping is as much a gateway into a negative mindset as porn or thirst traps for me.

So I'm stopping masturbation. I'm letting go of the dream that it can be a healthy part of my life. I'm about 20 hours in this time around. I had long stretches my first 2 years of recovery and it's time to return to that.


*I have a big problem with social media too. "They aren't naked" as if I am justifying my behavior of staring at girls half my age even though my mindset is the same as if they were nude.