Some stuff might be too graphic for some and please don't judge So I've been addicted to porn for a long time, and as the years went by, regular porn wasn't cutting it. I've started watching and getting turned on by JOI, CEI, AI and transwoman pornography. Due to all the years of watching said porn, it made me fantasize about being a female and performing a certain sexual act and dressing like a woman. I'm not attracted to men at all either so I don't why this is all happening. Since I felt like I'm always searching for that new sexual high, I bought a dildo for myself, I've started wearing women's panties and lingerie, and wearing dresses and mini skirts at home(me and my wife are in a long distance relationship, but we are legally married). The other night I hit a new low and something I ultimately regret, due to looking for the next sexual thrill, I got really drunk and met up with a cross dresser I found online and well, I went down on him (this was a first for me. I was too drunk to get it up but he played with my penis but due to the alcohol, I couldn't get hard so I just told him to leave it. After that, I went home. When I woke up the next day, I was utterly disgusted with myself on what I've become but I'm more disgusted that I did something behind my wifes back. There's no way I can tell my wife about all of this but I believe pornography led me down a path that's affecting my decision making and it's having a tremendous impact on my psyche. The other night was the last straw for me and that's when I decided I need help. I also never thought I'd do something behind my wifes back. I love my wife so much but I need help and I need to change. I want my life back.