1. Welcome to NoFap! Due to spam bots, we have temporarily disabled new accounts. Please check back in a few days. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

I lost it. Hit a new low and need help cause I love my wife - triggers

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by T800Endoskeleton, Mar 19, 2016.

  1. T800Endoskeleton

    T800Endoskeleton Fapstronaut

    6
    8
    3
    Some stuff might be too graphic for some and please don't judge

    So I've been addicted to porn for a long time, and as the years went by, regular porn wasn't cutting it. I've started watching and getting turned on by JOI, CEI, AI and transwoman pornography. Due to all the years of watching said porn, it made me fantasize about being a female and performing a certain sexual act and dressing like a woman. I'm not attracted to men at all either so I don't why this is all happening.

    Since I felt like I'm always searching for that new sexual high, I bought a dildo for myself, I've started wearing women's panties and lingerie, and wearing dresses and mini skirts at home(me and my wife are in a long distance relationship, but we are legally married). The other night I hit a new low and something I ultimately regret, due to looking for the next sexual thrill, I got really drunk and met up with a cross dresser I found online and well, I went down on him (this was a first for me. I was too drunk to get it up but he played with my penis but due to the alcohol, I couldn't get hard so I just told him to leave it. After that, I went home.

    When I woke up the next day, I was utterly disgusted with myself on what I've become but I'm more disgusted that I did something behind my wifes back. There's no way I can tell my wife about all of this but I believe pornography led me down a path that's affecting my decision making and it's having a tremendous impact on my psyche.

    The other night was the last straw for me and that's when I decided I need help. I also never thought I'd do something behind my wifes back.

    I love my wife so much but I need help and I need to change. I want my life back.
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2016
    Yesodi likes this.
  2. fapstronaut2000

    fapstronaut2000 Fapstronaut

    16
    8
    3
    Thanks for sharing such a personal story with us. Check out Gary Wilson's videos and lectures from yourbrainonporn as he discusses exactly this kind of deviation of sexual tastes and attributes it directly to P usage. If I remember, his theory (which seems to be well supported by the evidence on this forum) is that that your brain becomes desensitised to vanilla flavoured porn and goes out seeking new, more extreme forms imagery in order to get the dopamine hit that it requires. Shock and excitement are closely related emotions and shocking images can jack up your dopamine levels. In extreme cases this get quite out of control. Given your situation I would suggest the first action should be to quit P and give your brain time to rewire itself. I think there's a good analogy with food addiction- if you starve yourself eventually absolutely anything will taste amazing.

    I would also say don't judge yourself too harshly and be sure to forgive yourself. There are 170,000 on this forum and likely millions more of us out there who are going through similar experiences and finding it all very confusing. Put it down to experience - you may be learning a valuable lesson about porn and the effect it can have on you.

    I would recommend checking out the reboot thread on techniques to start your recovery and educate yourself intensely about P addiction. Good luck!
     
  3. Yesodi

    Yesodi Distinguished Fapstronaut

    313
    316
    63
    You've just taken a very big first step on your (possibly-long) journey. I am confident that -- fueled by your determination to reclaim your life, together with professional help, and the help of the fine people in the NoFap.com community -- you will succeed!

    And, if you are indeed a T800, you "absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are..." FREE of this curse! :cool:
    [​IMG]
     
  4. DYS1994

    DYS1994 Fapstronaut

    85
    38
    18
    First of all welcome to NoFap. I'm happy that you took your first step to come here and share your story with us. I can understand what you're saying, I used to watch soft core porn but then after some time I was used to watch degrading porn. I remember after watching them, I think about what I have done. I think about how my personality is different from it. I'm far better than that and I know it, but I get attracted to those kind of things and I also think that this is the effect of porn. I hope that you will recover from this. :)
     
    T800Endoskeleton and Dizzy Lotus like this.
  5. im_alive

    im_alive Fapstronaut

    Thanks for posting this as it does help out others that might be in a very similar situation, but are too ashamed to post.

    Sounds like your having a rough time of it but we are all here to help each other out with this. Keep posting and sharing, I'm following this thread now.
     
    T800Endoskeleton and Dizzy Lotus like this.
  6. rexbanner

    rexbanner Fapstronaut

    35
    24
    8
    Welcome @T800Endoskeleton to NoFap, and congrats on taking the first step to recovery by acknowledging you have a problem with PMO. I have only recently joined this community and have just celebrated 2 weeks of being PMO free.

    As someone has already said, there are thousands of members on this site and, if you read their stories, you'll soon discover that almost everyone has something shameful that they have done which they associate with their PMO addiction. Many of us have engaged in behaviour that we never thought would be possible, crossed lines we thought were way out of reach, and become someone that is far removed from who we want to be or even what other people might think we are like in our 'normal' lives.

    One of things I discovered upon starting this journey is that the shame and guilt I feel about my actions is an incredibly powerful motivator for changing my behaviour. My advice to you is to own what you did, feel shitty about it, but don't forget it. You can't change what you did, so use that memory as a reminder of the person you don't want to be.

    The other thing I would suggest is to install porn blockers on your computers and devices and permanently delete any saved porn or porn accounts. Do it now while you are feeling terrible, it makes it that much easier. I have found it useful to have simply removed the temptation - and you will be tempted over the days and weeks to come.

    Good luck, I wish you all the best for your recovery. If anyone had said to me at the beginning of this month that I would have gone this long without PMO I would have laughed in their face. But it gets easier over time and I feel so much better for having made the decision to change.

    RB
     
    TheWife and T800Endoskeleton like this.
  7. T800Endoskeleton

    T800Endoskeleton Fapstronaut

    6
    8
    3
    I really appreciate all the help and support I've been given from you guys. I wouldn't know where to start as far as replying back to each of you but I wanna touch up on some stuff.

    It's been a few days since my encounter and breakdown, I've calmed a little bit but I still feel ashamed, disgusted and guilty but with time, I hope I'll be able to forgive myself but as of now, I cannot.

    I had a talk with my wife last night cause she asked me why I've been so sad and different the last few days. I didn't tell her specifics cause I'm not readily comfortable as of yet or maybe even tell her about everything but I told her I'm fighting many demons on all fronts. She was sad that I couldn't tell her but she's not gonna force it out of me either and even though, she reaffirms me that she will love me and be with me no matter, I feel like if I told her the honest truth, well I know for a fact it will break her heart but also, maybe our relationship wouldn't be the same.

    On another note, I haven't watched porn for 1 day and I'm doing my best to clean up my PC by deleting pictures and videos, I still have work to do as they are all scattered. It's only been 1 day but I think given a few more days, I feel like I wanna scratch that itch so to speak and feel that thrill again. I say this, even though I haven't watched P in the literal sense, I'm still finding myself visiting lingerie sites looking for stuff for myself. I also was in the mall today to pay a bill and right across from the store I was in, there was a lingerie store and I couldn't stop looking, thinking and fantasizing about the panties I saw displayed on the mannequins and how it would look and feel on me. After that, I went to the sports store cause I wanted to buy some men's boxer briefs cause I want to start feeling normal again and start feeling like a man again but I couldn't pull the trigger on the buying them cause across the isle was women's clothing and same thing, fantasizing about women's leggings that I saw displayed on the mannequins. After all that, I just went home.

    I feel so conflicted and I feel the struggle I'm in but I don't wanna give in.

    I've also read quite a few stories on here, it made me think really hard and realize how destructing pornography can be, it can lead you down a self destructing path seeking that next thrill and quite possibly make you do things that you yourself didn't think was possible like Rexbanner said. That's one of the biggest things I realized after my biggest regret, never think it can't happen to you or you can't go that far when you're seeking that next thrill. Also, alcohol or any other substance can be that extra push just to push you beyond your boundaries.

    I feel the awesome support of this community and the main reason I joined here was cause of my breakdown, and realizing that this needs to stop at all fronts but I need help and guidance. Since I've also calmed a little bit, and like someone else here mentioned that there's bound to be people on here who are either in the same or similar situation as I am but are too ashamed to post but I hope them reading my personal situation, I hope it can help them in someway.

    On a light hearted note since Yesodi mentioned it, haha yes, that's one of the reasons why I chose the name and I'm a huge Terminator fan. I also will not stop ever to fight this, the day I conquer this curse, I will still keep on fighting not to fall back into this hellish trap.
     
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2016
  8. Yesodi

    Yesodi Distinguished Fapstronaut

    313
    316
    63
    Fighting PMO Terminator-style: "You can't be bargained with. You can't be reasoned with. You don't feel pity, or remorse, or fear! And you absolutely WILL NOT STOP -- EVER! -- until your porn-addiction is DEAD!!!" :mad:


    Meaning, that: "you'll be back" (to "normal")! :cool:


    BTW: in addition to being a big Terminator fan myself, I also love LOTR and everything Tolkien. You might want to check out this.
     
    T800Endoskeleton likes this.
  9. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

    204
    563
    93
    Well done on being so open and honest here. You have made a great first step towards changing. It will be a bumpy road, but one that you'll need to walk.

    I wish you all the best.
     
    T800Endoskeleton, Yesodi and im_alive like this.
  10. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

    1,008
    3,218
    143
    Sounds like you had a very bad night. You've recognized that you hit a new low. When we realize we've sunk further than we ever sunk before it can have an awakening effect on us. Our rock-bottom moment can help us to change. It gives us motivation to never, ever reach that point again. Our porn addictions takes us to weird places. As our problems escalate, we end up looking, acting, and behaving in ways we never thought possible. And it makes us feel dirty and disgusting.

    Remember a few things. 1. We are NOT our addiction. Recovery may occupy our every thought right now, but that is not all we are. 2. Our escalation is NOT who we are. Who we are at our worst is not our real self... it's a twisted and perverted version of who we are. 3. Recovery IS possible. Trust that the process works. Abstain from porn at all costs. Control your thoughts and urges. And time will start restoring you to normal.

    It wouldn't hurt to see a therapist. You need to talk to someone about your guilt and shame. Keeping all these emotions inside is going to eat you up. You are going to need someone to vent and someone to give you feedback. A good therapist will also give you homework so that you can always be working on something and feel a sense of accomplishment once you achieve some milestones.
     
  11. Golgo 13

    Golgo 13 Fapstronaut

    606
    497
    63
    Please in the title warn of triggers
     
    T800Endoskeleton likes this.
  12. T800Endoskeleton

    T800Endoskeleton Fapstronaut

    6
    8
    3
    Hey everyone, just a small update. I've been feeling a little better everyday mentally. I have been P free for the last 4 days in the traditional sense but I still visit lingerie sites and still fantasizing about wearing womens panties but the frequency is far less than it was before but I hope with time, this will subside and go away. The itch to PMO is definitely there, but I'm really trying to occupy myself by watching movies, tv shows, playing videogames, cleaning, doing laundry, doing some forms of exercise and grocery shopping among other little things. I'm starting to slowly feel the positive effects of this, like I'm starting to understand a bit more about everything.

    My wife and I are able to make jokes again and have real conversations again. I still think about if I should tell her, but sometimes I think, as long as I stay on this positive path, maybe I don't have too since I will hopefully be past this and it no longer matters anymore in my life.

    I love all the support and kindness for my well being. It's really nice to see people really care. :)
     
    im_alive likes this.
  13. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

    1,577
    1,562
    143
    Fantasizing about your fetish is still feeding the brain with dopamine, just like porn does...so it doesn't have to be porn. anything that can get you your dopamine fix is part of your addiction. The goal is to be aroused only in the bedroom, especially if you are married or are in a steady relationship.
     
    Rav70, T800Endoskeleton and im_alive like this.
  14. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

    1,008
    3,218
    143
    Congrats on 4 days. Sometimes the hardest part of the journey is the first few steps. Being porn free is a good start but you have to be fetish free too. I agree with @Ikindaknew. You are still feeding your brain what it craves. Thinking, viewing, and fantasizing without acting upon your urges is the equivalent of torturing yourself. It will eventually lead to a relapse. What you are doing is abstinence, not true recovery. Distracting yourself with other activities is very good in the beginning. But eventually you are going to want to replace your old habits with new hobbies and interests that are highly satisfying, or you will long for your old life and eventually return to it.

    It's good to see you and your wife getting along. What is keeping you apart? Are you working abroad? Part of your recovery will involve getting her involved. Keeping her in the dark is not a healthy part of your relationship. I understand the desire to show some progress before getting her involved. But a healthy relationship cannot have secrets this big. Having someone to share your successes with will draw you closer together. I leave it to you to decide when that is, but it is something that must be done eventually if you want to be completely recovered.
     
  15. im_alive

    im_alive Fapstronaut

    Well said! I'm struggling with this a little at the moment - plan to tackle it head on now, no fantasising!
     
    T800Endoskeleton likes this.
  16. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

    1,577
    1,562
    143
    Yup. That's the best way to re-wire the brain-penis combo towards the real sex activity.
    It was real important for me, as I had developed Porn-Induced Erectile Disfunction (PIED). I couldn't keep up an E during preliminaries, etc. Even during PIV, I was struggling to become very hard. Watching porn during sex was not an option (and should never be BTW), so I had to re-wire to get back to normal.
     
    T800Endoskeleton and im_alive like this.
  17. T800Endoskeleton

    T800Endoskeleton Fapstronaut

    6
    8
    3
    I'm struggling with the fantasizing, today (Friday) is the first day I managed to stay away from viewing the lingerie sites etc but it has been taking a lot of my willpower and strength to abstain from visiting those sites but I did think about it from time to time throughout the day just randomly. I'm guessing as long as I stay on course and not feed my brain, my brain will re-wire itself to not think about that kinda stuff. And I do agree with you @Ikindaknew and @i_wanna_get_better1 about feeding the brain dopeamine a.k.a. my brain getting its fix so to speak and having a probable chance of relapsing. Unfortunately, this part of me seems to be quite difficult but I'm fighting. I'm feeling it to be quite difficult at this moment cause I want to MO so bad. I'm fighting it but I feel like I'm going through withdrawal.

    I also want to mention something that came up earlier today for me. I was in the grocery store, and I was checking out the women while I was shopping, well one particular woman stood out for me and I was so tempted to go talk and flirt with her even though I know I have a wife who I love so much. I didn't approach her but it took some angst not to but after that, I tried to get what I needed and get out ASAP. After I left the store, hopped into my vehicle, I couldn't stop thinking about how it was a missed opportunity and what could've been. Even after I got home, it was crossing my mind throughout the day. I'm not sure what to think about this, I know the distance with my wife is not helping me cause I miss her presence around me, but also, I just miss a female presence in general as well. And since someone asked, as of now, me and my wife live in different countries, she plans on moving here with me next year but plans to visit me sometime this year. I was just with my wife this past January but 2 months have already gone by and between abstaining from PMO (Friday being the 6th day) and not being able to do anything with my wife, I'm feeling huge temptation to talk and flirt with other women. I'm really at a loss on what to think and what to do here.
     
  18. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

    1,008
    3,218
    143
    The feelings you are going through is definitely a physical withdrawal. The racing heartbeat, the flushes of arousal, the flashbacks, and urges are all part of what you are experiencing. It's normal and the first step towards your recovery.

    After a few weeks those feelings will diminish, but you will also feel an emotional withdrawal. We start using porn because it was fun and enjoyable. As we become addicted we used it to feel better anytime we feel bad. We use PMO to medicate ourselves. Without our 'medicine' we have to face whatever underlying feelings are lurking below the surface.... depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, etc. You will have to address those feelings in healthier ways and learn to cope with life's anxieties without porn. That will be part of the rewiring process.

    During these phases your brain will do anything to get it's fix. At the store it sounds like you had a COMPULSION to act out. You recognized it and got out of a dangerous situation. That is your WILLPOWER getting stronger. It's normal in the beginning to continue to feel urges, compulsions, impulses, and obsessive thoughts. Take pride in the fact that you overcame it! Your recovery is going to be a long series of victories like these. Trust us... it will take time but you will not always have these desires. As you starve this addiction your brain will return to normal.

    During this process you will need to be hyper-aware of your thoughts and behavior. You are in a vulnerable situation because you do not have a real life person to confide in and help you during your periods of weakness. Be social with other guys. Put yourself in public situations where you can't get into trouble. Exercise. Bad things happen when we're alone with the computer. And again, think about seeing a therapist if you feel like this is all too much to handle.
     
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2016
  19. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

    1,577
    1,562
    143
    If your wife is living in a different country, you are dealing with difficulties that most others don't. Being away from the loved one during extensive amounts of time is tricky.
    Your love and self-control will dictate the way ahead.
    If you love her and want to stay with her, reaching FLATLINE would be a godsend to you. Totally wipe out that brain.
     
    T800Endoskeleton likes this.
  20. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

    991
    937
    93
    Read my post success stories boyfriend 8 weeks no PMO. He did shit like you did. Luckily he never met anyone. He's fairly certain he would of had he not stopped.
     
    T800Endoskeleton likes this.

Share This Page