I lost myself and my virginity to an escort experience, now my heart is broken

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Sabishii, Jul 22, 2018.

  1. Jason_Tesla_19

    Jason_Tesla_19 Fapstronaut

    I think one thing to be aware of is that since the escort was your first experience, you may have "imprinted" on her, or on the escort experience in general. You are likely to always remember her and this experience, though you can heal from it. Reboot, reboot, reboot. Then find a real girlfriend, not a paid experience.
     
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  2. JouleTrader

    JouleTrader Fapstronaut

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    Do you have a hobby? You can try to get a hobby. Are you that socially bad?
     
  3. Blossom

    Blossom Fapstronaut

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    She gave you a fake illusion of warmth, love and care
    something that you didn't get throughout all those years
    and that's probably the reason why you feel so bad right now when she's gone..
    You said that you have a huge passion to her and that you feel heartbroken - I can totally understand that,
    it only means that you're a wonderful guy, there's really nothing to be a shamed of
    but you should also understand that this woman is nothing more than a waste of money!
    Maybe she will make you happy while you'll be cuddling with her but when she'll go away you will feel bad again.
    I think that instead of wasting your money on escort's you should go out and try to communicate with real girls.
    Stay strong brother!
     
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  4. Sabishii

    Sabishii Fapstronaut

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    It definitely feels like she has imprinted her personal stamp on my heart, yes. If it was for the escort experience in general or for any kind of sex addiction, I would/could look out for any other escort women out there, even way cheaper ones, or I could visit prostitutes in brothels - right now, for less money.
    Though, I have no motivation to do so. My inner self only wants to see this specific woman again. That's very likely to be the case because of my infatuation with her and - as I've written before - because of her presence, which fulfilled my heart with warmth and safety. It's a vicious circle, in which my mind starts to create a construct of meeting her "one last time", to be able to admit my feelings to her and to get clarity by a most likely rejection. It's trying to find arguments for just another meeting.

    During high school I played football, met friends, went on parties and even learned to play the piano. But due to my bad social experiences, puberty and disinterest by women, I ran into social isolation. Today, my only hobbies are playing videogames, watching movies/series and following several channels on Youtube. Basically, over the years I've secluded myself in my cabin, entertaining myself with excessive media consumption only.
    I don't think I'm socially bad, but anxious and uncertain. The escort woman made me feel socially comfortable and safe.
     
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  5. Sabishii

    Sabishii Fapstronaut

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    It's been two weeks now. My emotional condition is stabilizing, though slowly but surely my addictive actions are getting stronger every day. I'm not crying anymore and the inner pain and paralysis are less dominant during daytime. You could say, just as compared to lovesickness, time heals all wounds.

    Though, I'm tricking myself and I know it, but I can't stop myself from doing and falling for it. To be quite clear: Instead of any kind of reboot or useful distraction to begin anew, I'm starting to visit escort websites again. The urge, the addiction, the desire to see her again is still present beneath my skin.

    It's most present when I'm trying to fall asleep at night. A current heat wave here in Germany makes falling asleep even more challenging. Every night my thoughts and memories are going crazy about my experience with the escort woman. And I can't break up the circle. You tell yourself to not think about it, but hey, we all know this quote from Inception:

    Arthur: I tell you don't think about elephants. What are you thinking about?
    Saito: Elephants.


    When waking up in the morning, usually my addictive feelings are waking up aswell. With them comes the constant request of fulfilling these feelings. And, as I'm sitting around at home during the day, somewhere between loneliness and depression, I'm more and more starting to distract myself and approach my feelings by browsing those websites. I signed up on a few escort websites today. Also, I asked one agency for details about one of their women (though via WhatsApp and without any response yet. Seems like a fake one.). I did all those things with time passing by, one up to two hours, without even really thinking about my actions.

    It's like I'm being controlled by someone else. I mean, I could distract myself easily e.g. by just starting the goddamn videogame I bought two weeks ago, but it still lies here, unopened and unplayed. I could just watch any Netflix series I've been saving up for weeks. And last but not least I could finally fight my social anxiety by sign myself up to a gym or dance class. But I'm doing nothing, apart from working a few times a week and by swimming for one hour in the morning. It's not really helping either.

    Right now, it just seems to be a matter of time, until I'm going to visit her or another escort, again. That's cheering up my addictive feelings, because this would go according to their plan, but my rational mind is still aware of this dangerous process, which kind of repeats itself. To write this wall of text on these forums may be just a distress signal for myself.
     
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2018
  6. Take it as a good experience and seek to find th real thing with a real gf. Don’t judge yourself.
     
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  7. Honestly speaking guy, I know I'm not you, and I don't have the proper experience of visiting an escort or losing my virginity to relate to you, but I kind of went through a similar depressive rut with this girl I met once. Your rut sounds alot stronger than mine, but as someone whose grades / semester went straight through the shitter because I allowed a couple of sexual encounters with a girl dominate my entire emotional state and from it, lack of rationality, I don't want you to use these escort sites as a way to ease or alleviate your desires. I know full well how fucking bad (profanity fully intended) it feels to be depressed and devastated, and watching the same happen to another anon is kind of making me tear up a little, like its begging me to tell you to stop.

    Some of the many different conventional wisdoms people can suggest for situations like these is "go find a new hobby.", "go outside and exercise rigoriously", "commit to a 1-hour workout regimen", among other similar things. ANYTHING that you can find reason to replace this heartless void in your heart.

    In fact, I want to tell you to write down a list of everything you've ever loved to do. Everything, even if the passion or idea sounds unacceptable on paper. Literally write down everything from there that comes to mind. It just sounds to me that you can't go on like this, and there is going to be a need to "cure" this pain. Like you said, it will take time. Everything does. That is why you need to use the magnitude of this empty heart and pain for something truly better than just escorts, and this escort in particular.

    I apologize if what I said is out of place. But I just didn't want to not reply.
     
  8. superninjared

    superninjared Fapstronaut

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    My take on it. I have used escorts over the years. It sounds like you are starting to fall in love with her, I could be mistaken but that’s how it sounds. And you paid quite a lot of money for her services. A significantly high amount. When I was seeing escorts I never went above 150 for an hour. Any more than that and you risk financial difficulties. In my opinion it’s not worth going that high the girls are more a less the same. Even cheaper girls are more attractive than the expensive ones, here anyway.

    The first time is always the hardest I didn’t reach climax first time either that’s normal after a lifetime of PMO. You need to understand that it’s just a business service these girls have many clients. They are not going to date thier clients so don’t put them on a pedestal. If I was in your situation I would not see her again. You should not have to pay 1000 to have a relationship with a girl that’s crazy. And you will not lower your anxiety if you stay on this path.

    Better to avoid the escorts as this will put you in financial difficulties. Meet girls in real life start with online dating it’s low pressure. If you are still hooked up on escorts then get it out of your system. Go for someone affordable but don’t let it become an addiction. You should realise that the girls are the same. You are infatuated with this girl because you see her as a goddess out of your league. The fact you paid so much and she showed a lot of interest in you. As I said before don’t forget it’s just a business service don’t fall in love with them they are trained to be friendly with clients. It’s how they make thier money.
     
  9. Daniel stops

    Daniel stops Fapstronaut

    Gonna write a message to you in German, just check it up.

    I read your story and its so sad :(
     
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  10. Sabishii

    Sabishii Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your kind responses. Quite a lot of text incoming and again, please excuse my english writing.

    A wrecked emotional state and a lack of rationality are the keywords I can relate to. Currently, for the better or worse, I've no obligation since I "finished" studying, waiting for official degrees, and can live freely at my parents home. I have a lot of free time, always lonely / alone at home during daytime, and can't distract myself anymore with my hobbies as I could before the escort date. Since then, motivation for doing anything but take actions in regards of another escort date has become meaningless for my inner self.
    As depressed and lethargic as I am, only the emotional "push" within my brain of experience an escort/sex/"love" again actually gets myself take action, even if it's the wrong action. As I wrote earlier, it's a vicious circle - and I couldn't find a way out, yet.

    Those people are surely right. My rational mind is aware of such a process. Breaking through social anxiety, learning to love yourself first, finding new social connections, getting distracted by new taken paths in life. Though, this kind of rationality just doesn't work for me. Due to the addictive feelings and the pain I'm going through, I'm feeling even worse and incapable to take any of those steps.

    I'll try to write a list. But for now, the only cure seems to be the instant gratification of seeing the escort woman again. It's like painkillers, which I could "easily" buy and would be a fast way to get rid of my desires and pain - for a moment. The impact of medicine would cease and maybe if not surely the pain would return. But in a state of pain, all you want is a quick cure.

    -----------

    I don't know about the prices in UK, but here in Germany professional escort agencies are always starting with nothing less but 200,- per hour and you must book a girl for 2 hours at least. So, speaking of the escort woman I'm infatuated to, it's 560,- for 2 hours. But with it comes a rattail of additional costs: The woman's travel costs (I'm not living in a big city or nearby any city with escorts having their homebase at), hotel costs (those agenices require 3/4 star hotels) and, to be polite, some kind of tip. So, you're at around 700,- really fast. It's crazy.

    Let's not forget I'm talking about escorts only. NOT hookers/prostitues/privates. Though, because of my ever growing addiction and despair, I'm even considering going to a brothel now. But I would prefer escorts by a long mile.

    May I ask you, why you didn't stop after your first escort date? As others, you also went through more than just one experience (where I'm at right now). What was your turning point?

    The financial difficulties seem to be my only obstacle for now. Potentially I would have take action already, if the costs of visiting her again wouldn't be so crazy high. It's frightening to realize, how I'm willing to recklessly spend such amount of money. I'm losing control.

    As for online dating: Actually, I tried several platforms for the past two years. I even paid a membership for one of the bigger and professional sites. I've texted countless women, "swiped" on my phone every day. I really tried.

    The result: nothing. Absolutely nothing.

    This immense frustration was just another reason to visit the escort woman in the first place.
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2018
  11. superninjared

    superninjared Fapstronaut

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    Wow thats expensive! Here in the UK its much more affordable. For most escort agencies its 150 for 1 hour. And then you can do 2 hours or more with a price increase. But nowhere near 1000. And the girls usually have their own place so there is no paying for their travel. Its convenient. Girls who don't use agencies are even cheaper than that. 80 is the cheapest i have seen.

    Because escorts are easy, there are no obligations. You don't have to spend weeks or months doing approaches or online dating to meet a girl if you are looking for sex. I never planned on using it long term, only as a short term thing to fill the void of loneliness. And the reason why i did not stop after one date was because i wanted to see what it was like to experience being with lots of different girls. I have never slept with the same escort twice i also tried different girls because you get a different experience each time. And also because if it went badly with the last girl then you can just try someone different.

    I also wanted to experiment using condoms because i had no way of knowing which would work best for ED. Obviously i did not want to use PMO to test. So the only other option would be a girl. But if you are struggling to meet girls through dating then what are you going to do? Dating is completely random it could take days, weeks, months or even a year to find someone good. These days we are very impatient which is why i used the escort route. You are guaranteed to have sex. I rationalised that it would be faster and less stress than going through the whole dating thing. Find a girl, talk for who knows how long. Exchange phone numbers do even more talking. Set up a date. If the date goes well maybe there are more dates until you can have sex. If it goes badly then you have to repeat the whole process with another girl. You are looking at weeks before anything happens. That was my thinking back then anyway.

    I know i have talked a lot about escorts but really we should be trying to meet real girls don't use it as a porn substitute long term...

    Careful you don't bankrupt yourself, i think you really want to meet this girl again. However looking at the big picture its going to cost you a LOT. I don't think its worth it, the stress of going into debt and explaining it to your family could put you on a suicide path....

    Try the online dating game again. I was rubbish at it first time i got no phone numbers, no dates, nothing. I was starting to believe that i was just not attractive and that it was too competitive. But then i figured it out! I had a few dating coaches and i did lots of research. You would not believe how attractive some of the girls were who were giving me their phone numbers! It was crazy! I even had lots of girls sending me messages i could just sit back and wait for my inbox to to fill up. If you need some help with the online dating i can help you out.
     
  12. Sabishii

    Sabishii Fapstronaut

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    Today I went to a local city festival with my mom and brother, just to get "out" for a bit. But man, it's like hell for me. It's summer and there are young and attractive women everywhere, with their skinny legs, brown skin, only wearing hot pants. Also, lots of young couples, men with their beautiful girlfriend, just being happy. My desires are just going crazy, to literally see all those women, but never to be in touch with them. End of story: I'm feeling worse now, though this trip should have been healthy.

    Which now leads me to browse escort agencies and even private hookers, again.

    Well, yes, that's why I'm starting to browse private prostitutes now. Since the financial obstacle regarding high class escorts seems just too high for me, my addictive feelings just try to find another path to get their desired gratification. I've already started to ask out several privates (without any agreement, yet). Yes, I'm hating myself for losing control.

    So, you never lost control of your actions? I want to fill the void of loneliness as well, but feeling the pain after my escort experience just seems to make the void of loneliness even bigger instead of filling it.

    That's exactly what I'm struggling with. It's horrific, how my mind is playing with irrational thoughts, like "just use all your money and finish it all with a blast", "it's hopeless anyway, so at least step of the stage with a bang". To bring up suicide as an argument for doing it is not a good sign.

    Well, I did a lot of research over the years, too. I tried different photos and information on my profiles. But feel free to PM me, I'm appreciating every help I can get.
     
  13. Jason_Tesla_19

    Jason_Tesla_19 Fapstronaut

    Something that might be happening, is your primitive brain is freaking out, and subconsciously you might be thinking this might be your last chance to reproduce. Your primitive brain would sacrifice everything to successfully reproduce. Remember, your genes are selfish and don't care about your happiness!
     
  14. superninjared

    superninjared Fapstronaut

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    @Sabishii Nope i never lost control of my actions. Because like i said it is not as expensive here, to pay for the services of escorts. And anyway i always knew that i could meet girls through dating if i wanted to. Suicidal thoughts i have had those ones as well. Just thinking that i should blow my money on escorts and porn and then just go out... I try to keep myself busy. When you have a lot of things going on then you feel less inclined to take your own life...

    Like doing stuff that makes you happy. Watching movies, TV Shows, travelling, eating food. Gaming, sports. Anything to give you something to live to something to hold onto. I also have a strong desire to date, meet girls and have sex. That motivation is stopping me from relapsing at the moment. Because its such a pleasurable experience being with a girl i want to feel it again and again...
     
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2018
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  15. I believe that losing your virginity to an escort will never feel like you actually lost it. It does give you experience though, but it's different. You paid a woman to have sex with you and that's completely different from a girl voluntarily giving herself to you, so it won't feel the same. The reason you felt so bad afterwards is because it was a business transaction, it was meaningless and it gave you a taste of connecting to someone emotionally, which is what you've been wanting for years. You finally got what you were after, but it was gone as soon as you got it.

    Try not to over-think it though man. You lost your V-card and you have some experience now. A lot of guys wait for their first time to be special and all of that, but the honest truth is it's almost never like that. Whether you pay for it or lose it to some random girl like I did, it's really all the same. It's awkward and you're gonna be terrible your first time. The only difference is that you might feel better about yourself if a girl actually gave herself to you and wasn't paid. I hope I don't come off as an asshole. I'm just trying to help.

    Now that you've had sex though, it will be easier to have it again in the future. Give it time and you'll find a girl that you actually care about and can connect with all the time and you'll be happy. I'd stay away from escorts though. I'll admit, I've considered escorts, but I honestly think it could become a problem. You're paying a girl to have sex with you and then she leaves forever afterwards. It's almost enhanced pmo. There's no emotional connection there. It's a business transaction. Meaningless sex with strangers isn't much better, but at least then you can maybe gain some confidence by hooking up with random girls. In my experience though it can leave you feeling a bit empty. It's nothing like being with a girl that you care about.

    Moral of the story is try not to feel too bad about it and keep in mind that there's a girl out there waiting for you. You just have to find her and you'll be happy. If you're ever feeling really down you can hit me up if you want. Take care.
     
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  16. Sabishii

    Sabishii Fapstronaut

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    I wish I had read your post earlier, because yesterday I hit rock bottom and relapsed again.

    I'm really ashamed to admit that I went for a prostitute yesterday. It's even more disgraceful to admit it to you all guys, who were/are trying to help me and told me not to do such a thing.

    I acted impulsively. Found her while browsing, read positive feedback about her, mentioned that she would just only be in town for three more days. Again, on this day I was home alone, had a car to use freely, so nobody could notice my action. I wrote her via WhatsApp, she responded immediately, even had free time to spare for me on the same day and offered a relatively cheap service for 120,- for one hour.

    I don't know, what has gotten into me. Drifted by my addiction, the dopamine rush and the sensation of touching a woman again, feeling her proximity and warmth again, I already found myself sitting in the car.

    I arrived at her flat. It was the stereotype of a backyard entrance of a sordid house with several prostitutes in it. I stopped, realising the dirty surroundings I was about to enter. I should've been warned.

    But I did it nonetheless.

    When she opened her door, it was obvious she didn't really look like on her pictures online. The fantasy I had about her beforehand was destroyed, immediately.

    But I entered nonetheless.

    My little friend worked, she did her thing, the time passed by. She was nice, but nowhere near the intimacy and "faked" love I experienced with the escort woman. At least I could O this time around. Long story short: I did it, went home and tried to sort my head.

    So, what shall i say?

    First off, now I'm even more aware of the fact you all already told me that starting to experience pay sex really contributes to an addiction. I literally lost control completely yesterday. So, for everyone out there, who's also thinking about trying it "for the first time" with an escort, I may be your warning signal that there's an immense danger of addictive behaviour after that.

    Secondly, you all were right that repeating sexual acts by using pay sex isn't a solution to my problems at all. As I recognized after the escort meeting, it wasn't the sexual act only, but the intimacy and proximity I desired. And after visiting the prostitute yesterday this realization becomes even more obvious.
    I mean, I won't deny the weird enjoyment I got out of it yesterday, bit I realized that sex itself isn't that spectacular and quite similar with different women. And that it's quite meaningless without any deeper connection.

    Thirdly, I'm not as heartbroken and sad as I was after the escort meeting. I don't know if that's good or bad. Maybe it's going to hit me in the following days. I guess, it's because I didn't experience that kind of intimacy and warmth with the prostitute in the first place.
    This time around it's the feeling of shame and guilt. Like "what the hell did you do, you actually visited a dirty place for sex". At the same time, though, I have the feeling that I somehow learned from it and can use it as an experience for not looking out for pay sex ever again.

    Nevertheless, I'm really sorry I failed you.
     
  17. devilcnc

    devilcnc New Fapstronaut

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    Hi Sabishii,

    I had the very similar situation to yours. I had my virginity until 27 years old and I was also socially isolated in the last 5 years. In the end, I chose a prostitute to try solving my loneliness. It did not work well. It really had only left me with worsened loneliness. I also worry about contracting the sexual disease after doing it. It's ironic that I chose it even I could foresee my worse depression will happen. I do not understand why I did it, I think loneliness and depression were the catalyzers. I did nofap for 100 days since that day. I relapsed. I am not sure whether Nofap can possibly help us. But let's try and put our determination back together and try to fix it. God bless us.


     
  18. preposterone

    preposterone Fapstronaut

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    I don't have any advice for OP, but I'll add in my own experience since I'm in a similar boat.

    I'm currently a college aged male, lonely, never kissed a girl or had a girlfriend besides a "relationship" in high school I had where we hugged at most (I asked her for a kiss and she refused, but that's a different story).

    Anyway, in my later high school years and a bit into college I ended up buying into the whole "incel" ideology, and along with it, the "weight" of my virginity - I remember some statistic about people losing virginity in high school on average, and here I was struggling to get a hug! In 2nd year of college I ended up paying for an escort to lose my virginity (I'm in USA where legal risk is much higher than in Europe, and getting caught by law enforcement could ruin my entire life), and it was awful, and I was literally in pain afterwards.

    However, I had become addicted, and ended up going to 3 more visits among the original and one other womanj., and the 2nd woman even expressed concern over how young I was and asked how I ended up in such a service. I made up some BS answer about having a bad break up.

    Hopefully I'll be able to stop going - the visits usually go at $250-$300 an hour, and I don't have a lot of money so finances are a huge burden on me. I've been doing short streaks of 3 to 4 days continually from all PMO, and plan on trying to go longer, but honestly I'm also fine with PMO as long as I don't end up with another escort. I feel fucking worthless, and makes me even closer to slipping back into the incel ideology, that the only way I could have gotten sex is by paying for it. I've even fucked up my view of sex, and when I see an attractive woman I think "How much money would she take for me to sleep with her?" I'm disgusted at my own thoughts. I'm in counseling and have had a couple starting sessions but still feel very uncomfortable disclosing something like my escort addiction to him, though I've already told him things like how I feel incapable of getting a girlfriend, which is a good step forward.

    Best of luck to you all. Let's get through this together.
     

  19. Thanks for your input. I often feel like the only sex I'll ever get is paying for it. But I see clearly that it will make me feel even worse and that I'm best off staying away from prostitutes and never starting.
     
  20. salvacion_a_888

    salvacion_a_888 Fapstronaut

    The emotions you're experiencing sound awfully similar to those of a breakup: despair, deep sense of loss, depression. That's how I always feel after a relationship ends. Your night with this escort was the most emotionally and physically intimate experience you've had, so it makes sense that you would feel these types of emotions. My advice would be the same as I would give a friend going through a breakup: be kind to yourself, treat yourself in whatever way that looks like for you, and do everything you can to keep your mind off this woman and on the bright future you have ahead of you.
     

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